Week Five Ends, Week Six Begins!

   Well, another week winds to a close tonight, and I'm pleased to say it's been a raging success once more!


   As of this morning I am down a total of 14.2 lbs since May 17th.  I'm hoping maybe tomorrow I'll lose that last 1.2 to hit that magic 15.  I don't know why it's magic.  It's not really I suppose, but for as long as I've been the way I've been.. it seems like magic to me :)


   I don't really have much to say of any depth or philosophical value... my weight loss progresses, but it was a stressful work week and I'm exhausted.


   My cycle pedal machine arrived this week!  Unfortunately the chair I use at my desk here is too low for me to use it!  Another thing on my list of stuff-to-buy this weekend.  I think one without wheels would work best.  Once I've had a chance to actually USE it, I'll post a full fledged review of the thing here for those that are interested.


   And now... let's revue my stats:


   First there's the calorie counter for the last week.  I told Kris tonight I'd been under 2,000 calories every day this week, but then reviewed and realized that wasn't true!  I've been pretty close, except for last Friday (and tonight when I rewarded the end of a hard work week with ice cream), but I have been under my daily maximum calories each day.

   Looking at it, I can see that I have been under 2,500 calories each day this week (although only by a hair today) which is kind of exciting.  Of course classical health class training tells us that a standard diet is between 2,000 and 2,500 calories.  I never thought I'd be in that range.  Ever.  The fact there is actually a day (2 actually) where I was under 2,000 is amazing to me!  As I lose more weight of course that maximum recommended caloric intake goes down further and further, and I'm not sure it reflects super-accurately on that graph.  But each morning I put in my new weight, I note the adjustment, and I plan my meals accordingly.


  Here is a fairly typical day for me right now, food-wise:

   And because of all of that, because of weeks of that now... My weight chart looks like this:

  I keep waiting for the  plateau.  And I know it's early... and the plateau is probably just around the next corner.  There have been two small spikes, but each time the number once again went down.  I suppose the more amazing thing is that each time I saw those spikes... I didn't freak out.  I didn't relapse.  I didn't immediately reach for the ice cream containers, and fast food.  I didn't go back to sneaking extra burgers, or extra fatty meals in between my regular meals.  I've stayed true.  And honest.  And I didn't panic.  I know spikes are going to happen-- so are plateaus.  It's inevitable at some point.


   The trick is not to go back to old habits when that happens.  The truth is, I'm hoping that by the time I hit plateau-ville, my health insurance will have kicked in and it will be time to get my doctor involved and (at the very least) get my thyroid tested. I remain convinced that it's my thyroid causing my "fullness" issues.  For about a week, maybe too it seemed as though I'd finally normalized.  I'd eat, feel full, stop eating.. it was wonderful.... but then this week-- back to feeling either starved or stuffed again. It's almost as if I conquer it and then my body says... "oooooooohhhhh reaaaally?  See how you like this bitch?"  and goes right back to the beginning.  I told Kris this week I think it's that fat girl trying to fight her way back to the forefront.


   I don't think she's quite realized she's not going to win this time.  I have tools, I have power, and I'm stronger than she is.  Even though this has been easy so far, I go into each day expecting it to be difficult, expecting each choice to be hard.  But it's not.  It might be still, as I get further into it all, but at 6 weeks, it's just as easy as day 1.  Possibly getting easier-- every healthy choice I make leads to another healthy choice.  Each conscious decision leads to another.  I've been thinking all along that it would be really easy to go back though.  To go back to not caring, to eating whatever, whenever, wherever.  But I realized  yesterday that's not true.


   Case in point, 2 of the delicious meals I had this week for dinner at home:

   I have fallen in love with Green Giant's vegetable steamers.  I usually steam one package in the microwave, then heat up 1 serving of Target's store brand frozen grilled chicken strips, stir them together and splash on a smidge of Nature's seasons and/or some shredded parmesan cheese.  The meals are fresh, delicious and seriously low in ... well.. everything!  The green bean/red potato mix is particularly delicious with chicken.


   Last night when it was time to decide on dinner I had a craving for Chili's.  I had the calories left to go and enjoy whatever I wanted for the day, but I suggested Panda Express instead.  It involved about half the intake in almost all categories as chili's would have, and I realized once and for all that I really have made  a permanent change to my life.  I don't know if I'll track every morsel that goes in my life every day for the rest of  my life.  But I'm 99% sure that once I lose all of this weight-- I will keep it off.  I've made a change that is a permanent alteration in my relationship to food.  And the truth is I can still eat all the things that I want to.  I could easily have gone to Chili's and probably not have overdone it as far as my food tally goes.  I'd already made the decision not to smother myself with food anymore and it's working.


  All of that in spite of a return to being staved and stuffed.  Guess it's time for my body to realize I'm going to win.  Because let's be honest... I am in control of this.  Completely.


  I'm still frustrated by my clothes.  I attempted a hot water shrink of my blue jeans last wash.  It didn't help much.  One wear and they're back to falling off.  And yet I'm still not down enough to fit into the smaller size I bought from Old Navy.  In another week, I should be able to wear the slacks though (assuming my weight loss continues at a similar rate), and that's something.    Jeans or no jeans, I have to say I feel like I'm losing weight, I feel lighter, and I think if this hadn't been such a stressful week at work, I'd probably have more energy too.  Really, aside from the disappointing return to my fullness issues, everything feels different.  Things are starting to feel right.


At least they're headed in the right direction!

A Midweek Monologue...

Ok, so it's not technically mid-week since it's only Monday... but my weight loss tracking weeks go from Saturdays to Fridays so it's mid-weekish to me.  But something sort of important has happened and I need to talk about it.


Among the things I purchased this week...


A scale.


The first scale I've owned in more than 5 years...


The first scale I've stepped on in almost 2 years...


And I thought it would be a lot harder than it was.  I've been putting off my "before" weigh-in because I've been terrified of that number.  When I signed up for The Daily Plate... I guestimated.  And although I'm not sure if I'm pleased or horrified-- I was only off by 2 pounds.


And I also know that as recently as Friday I said I wouldn't post that number.  But the truth is.. how can I be held accountable for this if I don't allow other people to know where I've begun?


It's an extension of the reasoning that led to my buying the scale in the first place.  How can I know how far I've gone if I don't know where I started?


So much of this journey is because I feel like this body does not belong to me.  That it doesn't reflect who I am on the inside.  So that number on the scale... isn't really MY weight.  It's the weight of the fat girl I've already excised from my heart and mind.  So that number actually has very little to do with ME.


It's just the place where I begin.






































367.2 lbs.




This is where I begin.




But don't blink, I won't be here for long.

Week Three Ends, Week Four Begins

Well, I've survived the 3rd week of my new Life!  It hasn't been easy-- mostly because for mother's day we're big fans of big texas steaks on the BBQ (even if it is raining!!)


   So here's the rundown... tracking my food is going well at daily plate but I can tell even at this early stage I'm going to need more help and guidance than just a food-tracker.  I'm having a hard time planning and arranging meals to meet but  not exceed my needs in various nutritional arenas.


   Now... although I've blanked out the actual # info (look, I'm honest but I'm not ready for that much sharing yet...) you can see what I mean... I'm doing (mostly) well on my caloric intake...

   Ok, there are admittedly, 2 blips over the line, the biggest being on Mother's Day (hey, I'm a Texan ... steak is like-- a sacred meal ok, maybe not but my fat girl got a little loud on that one).  

   Anyway, I'm not as concerned about the caloric intake since, as a general rule, I'm actually doing pretty well meeting and staying under the target for the amount of weight I want to lose.  Where I'm really struggling is getting the balances right on other intakes...

   As I write this, it is late thursday night, and you can see that I have already had 100% (or more) of the recommended fat, cholesterol, sodium, and protein.

  But, to my surprise, I'm only at 41% of my weekly carbs (I've been trying to watch those especially) and I need to boost my fiber a LOT.  The protein I think is primarily because of the steak on Sunday night, and the cholesterol is probably because of the hard-boiled eggs I've snacked on this week.  

   So I am re-organizing my shopping plan for this week (at least a little bit).  I want to look into a fiber supplement to add to my daily routine, and apparently I don't need to be quite as stingy with the carbs as I originally thought.  Cholesterol, Fat, and Sodium particularly will be on watch (I don't think the protein will be an issue next week as I don't have any plans for giant steak in my schedule this week).

Here is my shopping list for the week:

Kiwi,

Bananas,

Fiber Supplement,

a new chillable lunch container

A paring knife (for the kiwi mostly)

 I've been doing some research about good foods.  Things that taste good and are good for you... Imagine my delight to read the following about Kiwi fruit (my undeniably favorite snack fruit!)

"Kiwifruit

This tiny, nutrient-dense fruit packs an amazing amount of vitamin C (double the amount found in oranges), has more fiber than apples, and beats bananas as a high-potassium food. The unique blend of phytonutrients, vitamins, and minerals found in kiwifruit helps protect against heart disease, stroke, cancer, and respiratory disease. Kiwifruit's natural blood-thinning properties work without the side effects of aspirin and support vascular health by reducing the formation of spontaneous blood clots, lowering LDL cholesterol, and reducing blood pressure. Multiple studies have shown that kiwifruit not only reduce oxidative stress and damage to DNA but also prompt damaged cells to repair themselves.

Kiwifruit are often prescribed as part of a dietary regimen to battle cancer and heart disease, and in Chinese medicine they are used to accelerate the healing of wounds and sores.

How much: Aim to eat one to two kiwifruit a day while they're in season, for the best taste and nutrition. California-grown kiwifruit are in season from October through May, and New Zealand kiwifruit are available between April and November.

Tips: Kiwifruit contain enzymes that activate once you cut the fruit, causing the flesh to tenderize. So if you're making a fruit salad, cut the kiwifruit last.

The riper the kiwifruit, the greater the antioxidant power, so let them ripen before you dig in."

  Now, that last part makes me a bit sad, as I like my kiwi just a smidge unripe (I love the tartness!), but I'll learn to eat them a little bit softer I suppose.  Broccoli apparently is a bit amazing as well, which is fine as I enjoy it in just about everything really.  

--Friday--

Of course there's more to this little revolution that just what went in my body.  So here's some of the philosophical things I've come up against this week.

   I was talking to Libby again this week, and we were once again discussing the disconnect between mind and body, about feeling fat vs. being fat etc.  Another friend of hers who was heavier like I am said she had never felt fat, had not really felt the size she knew logically that she was.  She found herself misjudging the space that her body required.  She would run into things, bump into people-- because her mind perceived her body to be smaller than it actually was.

  It may sound weird for someone who is used to being in their body, who has felt in tune with it for years-- if not their whole life... but it made complete sense to me.  If for no other reason than I've recently become so aware of it myself.  I've said time and time again that (until recently) I have always felt fat.  And for years now my body has matched that.  I've been acutely aware of how much space my body takes up.  I have always tried to leave extra space between myself and others, have resisted spaces I felt were too small for me even if they may have actually been big enough.

   But right around the time I had my great revelation about myself, I started to run into things.  A lot.  Now, I'm definitely a klutz... anyone that knows me could tell you that.  I trip on my own feet, on carpet, on tile, on pretty much nothing at all.  And I do tend to run into things on my left side as I'm blind in that eye.

  But right now both arms sport some unusual bruises, and I've a few more bumps on my thighs and hips, and even my stomach is sporting some new scrapes and bumps.  And it wasn't until Libby and I were talking about her friend not recognizing the space her body occupied that I realized-- the way I perceive myself has changed.  Completely.  I no longer have a connection to how large I am.  I am frustrated repeatedly by the space my stomach alone occupies, and if I run into the cubicle wall around John's desk on my way back from the copier one more time I might scream!

   These are not problems the "fat" me had.  If I ran into something, it's because it was on the left and I didn't see it... or because I was forced to be in a space that really was too close and small for my body.  ...  Or because I was having a klutzy moment.

  But in general... "fat" me was pretty good about getting around, in and out, being in her own space and knowing the boundaries of that.  The me that is fat but doesn't feel fat-- not so much.  I'll admit, that's where the pace of this whole revolution gets a little frustrating.  I know that what I'm doing will take time-- quite a bit probably.  My expectations for my actual weight loss I think are pretty reasonable.  I also know that if I lose this weight slowly and steadily instead of all at once with many plateaus, I'm more likely to keep it off because I'll have to change my lifestyle and habits to make it happen.  But because it will take time it means most likely, I'm going to have to get used to running into things.  

   On the plus side... I've got concrete proof that this whole change has really taken hold.  A brief stop for dinner supplies last night brought home an ice cream treat.  I decided it had been a long week and I wanted some ice cream.  I also bought an apple tray.  2 kinds of apple slices and a container of low-fat caramel sauce.  When dinner was done and I wanted a treat... I chose the apples.  Not out of a desire to have a healthier dessert... but because they sounded tastier than the ice cream.  

   Once again, a week of pluses and minuses.  But that's to be expected.  This isn't an overnight success story, nor something I've started that I'll give up at the first hint of difficulty.  This is just the beginning of a long haul that will end with me once again feeling like me... and looking like me too!

Week Two Ends, Week Three Begins

Well, week two of my personal food revolution is drawing to a close, and with week three breaking in the morning, I'm finding a lot of positives to look back on this week.   I'm still really struggling with the starving/stuffed dilemma... but there has been a LOT of progress on that front!


    My "stuffed" is coming a lot sooner than it used to.  Tuesday's dinner consisted of some leftover sandwich, 2 servings of veggies, 3 kiwi, and 2 low-sodium cheese sticks.  And I sat, about 1.5 hours later, still stuffed.







    On one hand it was kind of encouraging-- because the honest truth is that's about half of the food I would have eaten in my "fat" life.  But now, that's just not enough as it turns out-- it's more than enough.  Maybe it was that 3rd kiwi.  Regardless, I think I can afford to reduce more than I originally estimated.


   Monday night, we went to my favorite chinese buffet- a strategical error perhaps.  I still did tons better than I used to... but I don't think I'm ready for regular patronage at buffets.  It's not so much anything emotional as it is that regardless of my need and desire to eat better-- I do truly love food.  And going somewhere with relatively unlimited access to food I love... probably not the best idea.  Like I said, strategical error.  I did set a limit for mysefl and stuck to it, but it needed to be a smaller limit.  Live. Learn... and then eat less!


   I have to admit I'm pretty happy about that little development


   My healthy snacking, btw... is kicking butt!  Except that I need more kiwi.  Turns out I'm sort of a fruit and veggie slut!  I actually chose to have corn for dessert one night instead of ice cream.  Seriously.  Chose.  And was excited about it.


   At work I'm munching on fruit or low-sodium, low-fat cheese selections in between breakfast and lunch and between lunch and dinner.  One thing I've noticed though, especially today when I managed without anything between breakfast and lunch, although I am still hungry most of the time, it's not the same kind of biting painful hunger that it was last week.  


   This week I also started another step in what will no doubt be a looong process:  I started tracking not just what I ate, but the nutritional content therein.  My weapon for this?  


The Daily Plate!


   A few friends and acquaintances had pointed out the Daily Plate to me when I mentioned I was starting this little journey but when my best of best friends sent me the link, I finally checked it out.  Now, since I announced I've been using it there have been a plethora of opinions about it's effectiveness and even accuracy-- but for a novice calorie counter?  This has been a huge help to me.  I said for years that I would never be one of those people that counted every calorie, and probably in the past I wouldn't  have, but this makes it so so simple.  It has nutritional info for a wide range of well-known restaurants and food brands, and the option to enter caloric information manually as well, so if something isn't listed you can add in the info from the packaging directly.


   I do realize there is much much more to losing this weight than just tracking and reducing my caloric intake.  But that's a big part of it for me, and this makes that so much easier to do.  I also liked that you can select your "activity" level and that one of those choices is actually "sedentary, little or no activity on a daily basis."  My goal of course is to not be sedentary.  I chose (accurately I think) the "office" action level.  I walk around the office, park away from the door of the places I'm going (now), but other than that I don't have a lot of activity going on at the moment.  As I start to lose some weight and can move more, I will absolutely be making strides (no pun intended) to inject actual exercise into my life.  But that step is not happening right now.  


   But, back to the point of the Daily Plate... there's a great wealth of information on a lot of common food places and meals, but I've discovered it's a really good idea to double check the "meal" you've chosen and make sure the ingredients line up with what you actually ate and adjust accordingly.  I found that I had actually selected a "meal" that was about 120 calories more than I'd eaten... due to toppings and various other options that I had not added to my own meal.  


   I don't take it as gospel, and I'm still focusing on improving WHAT I eat as well, reducing fast foods, increasing my veggies and fruit, balancing my proteins better and trying to get a handle on my serious addiction to Carbs.


   So far it's still a work in process, as this is wont to be.   But with each day it gets a little easier, and every tool I collect makes that even better.


   Of course all of that is fantastic... but there are minuses too this week, and I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention them.


   I had some excitement last week, where I finally felt I'd found a good resource for (in particular jeans!) good fat clothes.  One resource: Old Navy which since the last time I shopped online has expanded their plus size section :w00t!:


   I have always had a really hard time with Jeans... once upon a time I had only one pair to use (much to my best friend's chagrin), and now I'm pretty much back to that... much to my own.  The jeans I currently wear are HUGE... big enough that I have actually sewn the zipper shut to keep it from falling down from lack of tension.  If I'm not careful, in a few more pounds they may actually be big enough to fall off of my body.  Now, I'm not complaining about shrinking out of my jeans... but for some reason finding new ones is ridiculously difficult for me!


   Lane Bryant and Fashion Bug (my 2 favorite go-tos for fat clothes) have instituted "right size" sizing in their jean lines.  Basically, instead of having it be a 14/16... it's now a size 1.  


Seriously?  




No, seriously?


   Ok look, calling it a 7 doesn't fool me.  I still know it should be a 26/28.  This re-labeling redesign has accomplished 2 things.  #1 they've redesigned the denim lines with different "fit' zones as well, so you're supposed to go in and get measured to determine which one is the best fit for you.  And #2 they've reduced the size range that they carry in the stores to begin with.


   Now, if you're a fat girl, if you've ever been a fat girl, if you have issues with your weight even if you're not a fat girl-- please tell me I'm not alone in this.  Do they honestly,  honestly truly think I am going to haul my fat ass into a store to get it measured for JEANS?  I can't even bear to get on a scale alone in my room with only the dog to watch me!  But to go to a store and have some stranger actually measure me?  For a pair of freaking jeans?  I'm sorry.  No.  Jeans should be the LEAST stressful part of your wardrobe, outside of comfy pants of course.  


   So boom, no buying jeans at Fashion Bug or Lane Bryant.  So that leaves... Avenue and Catherine's.  Avenue does actually carry real sizes, and generally they "carry" my size, although it tends to sell out quickly.  But in addition, I'm not a huge fan of their denim.  Right now in stores it's all about 2 styles:


1.  The "skinny" jean.   Again-- seriously?  A "skinny" jean at a fat girl store?  Wrong.  Just... wrong.


2. The "boyfriend" jean.  Now, maybe this is where my little queer brain is a bit off the beaten path but.. I don't want a boyfriend... why the hell would I want a "boyfriend" jean.  If I wanted a "boyfriend" jean, I'd go buy mine in the men's section.  Nuff said!


   So now I'm left with only online options and with women's sizes being nowhere near standardized, that means I could need a jean sized anywhere from 24 to 32... depending on who it comes from.  I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous and insanely frustrating.


   So I took the plunge, and ordered 2 pair of jeans from Old-Navy in each of 2 sizes.  I also ordered a pair of black slacks, as my work pants have seen better days.  THe good news, I suppose, is that the slacks are pretty damn close.  I'll be keeping them for when I lose the first few pounds, I can get them on, even fastened-- but they're pretty tight at the waist still.  Not for long though, so into the closet they go.


   The jeans however... :sigh:  Well-- it was worth a shot.  I suppose now I'm facing the dilemma of do I send them back and exchange for the larger size that probably will fit?  Or do I hold onto them as "goal" jeans?  


   I'm probably going to send them back.  I need jeans now!  I can buy goal jeans in a store any day of the week if I want to.


   I suppose though that frustrating is more about the women's clothing industry than about my actual weight loss journey.  Because the truth is for my part I really am doing some amazing things on this little road-trip to skinny.


   Tonight we went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants.  Instead of gorging on chips while I waited for the main course, I had about 4 chips, then sat and waited.  I got beef fajitas, loaded a tortilla with meat and onion, some guacamole and a sliver of sour cream, and enjoyed it immensely.  Did that with a 2nd tortilla to finish up the meat (I'm trying to rebalance out my protein vs. carb ratios), then had about 3 more chips with some of the beans and guac and another sliver of sour cream... and left everything else-- including the 3rd tortilla, and probably 80-90% of the sour cream.  


   And you know what?  I didn't miss any of it.  I didn't miss the 3rd tortilla, didn't miss the bowlful of chips, didn't miss the regret that used to come with cleaning my plate.  Because I had enough to eat... but not too much.  And my roommate slash fairy-godmother nearly dropped dead when I said no thank you to the sour cream from her plate that I would once have scarfed without a second thought.  Was shocked again when she realized I'd left so much of my own sour cream too!  


   And so... week 2 of project skinnygirlscreams comes to a close.  I'm looking forward to my veggie dessert later on, and seeing what progress the next week will bring to me.  Or rather, what success I will bring to myself, because this change isn't something that is happening to me... it's something I'm creating for myself.  


   Because I am stronger than my shell and I will not ignore the skinny girl inside who is screaming to get out!

On Titles and link names...

You may be wondering about the site reg for this blog: "skinnygirlscreams"

Believe it or not, that was very carefully selected and I was glad to see it was actually available. If you've read my first post (whether you read it here or on Facebook) you'll know that my big push right now is that inside all of this fat and flesh is a skinny girl-- screaming to get out.

This blog is my attempt to track that, to put a (hopefully weekly) face to this journey, and give that skinny girl a place to scream. I guess the fat girl will probably scream a bit too. I've been overweight since I was about 15. The fat girl is used to being in charge and I think the shift in authority is probably going to end up giving the fat girl a bit of a fit.

I know that sounds a little MPD (multiple personality disorder for the uninitiated), but roll with me on this...

It used to be that I felt fat all the time-- long before I was actually overweight. And when I finally did end up "fat" it seemed kind of appropriate. Because my outside matched my inside. They were the same person.

But that's not true anymore. Somewhere in the last few years I grew, changed into someone who is active and adventurous. Someone who wants to go out and do things, to be more than I am already. And that person isn't a fat girl. That person is thin, and healthy and trapped in a shell that doesn't work anymore. And in a way it is almost like being 2 people. I used be united and now I'm not. Now I'm at war.

I'm fighting my own body. My friend Libby talked to me the other day about a similar division-- where she was so separated from her body that it never even occurred to her to be comfortable in it. Well, I suppose that's as good a way as any to explain it. Well, somehow or another that division has been smashed to smithereens and for the first time in ... well.. ever I feel like I should be comfortable in my body. And I'm not, because this is not my body.

So forgive my multiplicity for awhile will you? I'm on a journey to go from 2 people (well.. at my weight 2.5 really) down to 1. And in the meantime, let the skinny girl start screaming!

Not Just a Fat Girl Anymore...

The note that started it all:

I realized something this week. Something that has completely changed what happens when I look in the mirror. The truth is it’s sort of two-fold. Last year I recognized something about my life that I’d never seen or been able to articulate before.

I have never, as long as I can remember-- felt full. I’m not talking about emotional fullness, I’m talking physical, food-related fullness. I’ve felt hungry. And I’ve felt stuffed. But that line between the two-- the trigger that most people feel when they’re eating that makes them STOP before they get to the “stuffed” part of the equation-- I don’t have that. Part of the revelation happened because I actually did for one fleeting meal have the sensation and it made me realize something had been missing for 28 years. And part of the revelation happened because I stepped back to evaluate the cause of my continuing weight battles.

Once I became aware of what I’d been missing I started to focus on it, to try and find ways to trick my body into feeling it. I started eating more slowly-- much more slowly, and had a modicum of success with that. But eventually, even then I still lost that trigger. I still ended up not feeling full until I was too full. And I’ll be honest-- I gave up.

In my lifetime I’ve done a few things to try and lose weight. I’ve even tried it the right way: diet and exercise. But in the end I ended up failing on several fronts... #1 I would just get so frustrated I’d give up, #2 I’d lose 20, 30 pounds maximum and then not lose another pound no matter how much longer I kept it up, #3 when I reached my heaviest point-- it became so painful and so difficult to exercise that I just--- couldn’t.

And that’s partly where this week’s realization comes in too. Because the thing I realized is that I am not a fat girl anymore. Not inside anyway.

I have always felt fat, even before I was. I grew up depressed, anxious, terrified of the world around me, and living primarily to make my mom’s dreams for me take flight. By the time I hit 15, and my weight crossed the line from “chunky” to “fat” it was actually fine. It fit. It fit how I’d always felt anyway, but it also fit who I was inside. I’d spent years wanting to be invisible, and suddenly my body made that happen. It was almost a blessing because it was probably the first (and only) time I’d felt like my outside matched my inside. I didn’t want to be noticed, and I was unnoticeable!

But in the 6 years since my mom died, things have changed-- I’ve changed. The fat girl I was was dispassionate, weak, quiet, unknown and unknowable. It wasn’t even that other people didn’t know who I was, I didn’t even know. In the last 6 years though I’ve become loud, opinionated, passionate, ambitious, even adventurous.

And the person that I am today is not a fat girl. But my body still is, and despite the efforts I’ve made in the past I also recognize that I can’t change that by myself. It’s something I may never be able to change enough if I can’t even figure out when I’m full.

In the last week I’ve been brutally aware of just how much my weight is in my way now. It didn’t used to be. Not because I’m bigger than I was before... but because the person I am inside wants... no NEEDS... more from my life than my body can provide.

And it’s not about being beautiful. It’s not about wanting to be a size 2. I think those of you that know me well know that how I look is really not that important to me. Never has been. It’s not even about being healthy, although of course that’s a concern. What this is about is the fact that I can’t be who I am, because my body is in the way. From inane things like being embarrassingly out of breath walking up stairs, to my actual stomach being in the way of being able to get a perfect shot, my body is not working for me anymore. I want more. I need more!

A friend invited me to walk with her around the lake on Saturdays. And I enthusiastically said I’d love to! I had visions of saturday walks around the lake with camera in tow, getting to know a relatively new friend better while doing something I really needed to do for my own health. I prepped my camera, I bought walking shoes, a nike fit to keep track of my steps. And after one outing I was so embarrassed, and so slow, and in so much pain that I’ve not gone back since. I find myself saying no to things because I’m physically unable to participate because of either my size, or the pain that the activity would inevitably cause.

My hips and knees are in their worst shape ever, and the limit that puts on my ability to move and exercise the way I otherwise would LOVE to is sad and counterproductive. I’m frustrated by my limitations and I’m frustrated by the knowledge that there’s only so much I can accomplish about it on my own. Frustrated that in all honesty, unless I can find that “full” trigger... there will only ever be so far I can take this journey to make my outside match my shiny new inside.

I entered a contest this week. New Hope Center is offering a free lap-band surgery. I answered their questions, wrote my little mini essay to convince them that I’m the one who deserves this, who needs this more than the others who entered. And I’m sure that everyone else who enters will want and need this just as much as I do. All I can do is hope that they can see what this would mean to me.

I read through their site extensively, and I’ve done some research on these procedures before anyway. One of the things that jumped out at me over and over again about the procedure was the phrase that surgical patients who received the lap band surgery felt “full sooner, and stayed full longer.”

Full.

Because really when you boil it down... that’s what I really want. I want my body and my spirit to match so that my life can be just that:

Full.

So cross your fingers. Send a prayer my way. I’m still going to try and make steps on my own. I did the hard work on the inside, to become a person that I not only like, but am proud of! And that is 100x harder than making some changes to my eating habits. But whether I win it, or save up for it... I’m going to need more than just willpower and some lifestyle changes to make this outside into something that matches ME.

I want to look in the mirror and see myself again, instead of me staring out of a shell of fat-- waiting for everything to line up again.