A Midweek Monologue...

Ok, so it's not technically mid-week since it's only Monday... but my weight loss tracking weeks go from Saturdays to Fridays so it's mid-weekish to me.  But something sort of important has happened and I need to talk about it.


Among the things I purchased this week...


A scale.


The first scale I've owned in more than 5 years...


The first scale I've stepped on in almost 2 years...


And I thought it would be a lot harder than it was.  I've been putting off my "before" weigh-in because I've been terrified of that number.  When I signed up for The Daily Plate... I guestimated.  And although I'm not sure if I'm pleased or horrified-- I was only off by 2 pounds.


And I also know that as recently as Friday I said I wouldn't post that number.  But the truth is.. how can I be held accountable for this if I don't allow other people to know where I've begun?


It's an extension of the reasoning that led to my buying the scale in the first place.  How can I know how far I've gone if I don't know where I started?


So much of this journey is because I feel like this body does not belong to me.  That it doesn't reflect who I am on the inside.  So that number on the scale... isn't really MY weight.  It's the weight of the fat girl I've already excised from my heart and mind.  So that number actually has very little to do with ME.


It's just the place where I begin.






































367.2 lbs.




This is where I begin.




But don't blink, I won't be here for long.

Week Three Ends, Week Four Begins

Well, I've survived the 3rd week of my new Life!  It hasn't been easy-- mostly because for mother's day we're big fans of big texas steaks on the BBQ (even if it is raining!!)


   So here's the rundown... tracking my food is going well at daily plate but I can tell even at this early stage I'm going to need more help and guidance than just a food-tracker.  I'm having a hard time planning and arranging meals to meet but  not exceed my needs in various nutritional arenas.


   Now... although I've blanked out the actual # info (look, I'm honest but I'm not ready for that much sharing yet...) you can see what I mean... I'm doing (mostly) well on my caloric intake...

   Ok, there are admittedly, 2 blips over the line, the biggest being on Mother's Day (hey, I'm a Texan ... steak is like-- a sacred meal ok, maybe not but my fat girl got a little loud on that one).  

   Anyway, I'm not as concerned about the caloric intake since, as a general rule, I'm actually doing pretty well meeting and staying under the target for the amount of weight I want to lose.  Where I'm really struggling is getting the balances right on other intakes...

   As I write this, it is late thursday night, and you can see that I have already had 100% (or more) of the recommended fat, cholesterol, sodium, and protein.

  But, to my surprise, I'm only at 41% of my weekly carbs (I've been trying to watch those especially) and I need to boost my fiber a LOT.  The protein I think is primarily because of the steak on Sunday night, and the cholesterol is probably because of the hard-boiled eggs I've snacked on this week.  

   So I am re-organizing my shopping plan for this week (at least a little bit).  I want to look into a fiber supplement to add to my daily routine, and apparently I don't need to be quite as stingy with the carbs as I originally thought.  Cholesterol, Fat, and Sodium particularly will be on watch (I don't think the protein will be an issue next week as I don't have any plans for giant steak in my schedule this week).

Here is my shopping list for the week:

Kiwi,

Bananas,

Fiber Supplement,

a new chillable lunch container

A paring knife (for the kiwi mostly)

 I've been doing some research about good foods.  Things that taste good and are good for you... Imagine my delight to read the following about Kiwi fruit (my undeniably favorite snack fruit!)

"Kiwifruit

This tiny, nutrient-dense fruit packs an amazing amount of vitamin C (double the amount found in oranges), has more fiber than apples, and beats bananas as a high-potassium food. The unique blend of phytonutrients, vitamins, and minerals found in kiwifruit helps protect against heart disease, stroke, cancer, and respiratory disease. Kiwifruit's natural blood-thinning properties work without the side effects of aspirin and support vascular health by reducing the formation of spontaneous blood clots, lowering LDL cholesterol, and reducing blood pressure. Multiple studies have shown that kiwifruit not only reduce oxidative stress and damage to DNA but also prompt damaged cells to repair themselves.

Kiwifruit are often prescribed as part of a dietary regimen to battle cancer and heart disease, and in Chinese medicine they are used to accelerate the healing of wounds and sores.

How much: Aim to eat one to two kiwifruit a day while they're in season, for the best taste and nutrition. California-grown kiwifruit are in season from October through May, and New Zealand kiwifruit are available between April and November.

Tips: Kiwifruit contain enzymes that activate once you cut the fruit, causing the flesh to tenderize. So if you're making a fruit salad, cut the kiwifruit last.

The riper the kiwifruit, the greater the antioxidant power, so let them ripen before you dig in."

  Now, that last part makes me a bit sad, as I like my kiwi just a smidge unripe (I love the tartness!), but I'll learn to eat them a little bit softer I suppose.  Broccoli apparently is a bit amazing as well, which is fine as I enjoy it in just about everything really.  

--Friday--

Of course there's more to this little revolution that just what went in my body.  So here's some of the philosophical things I've come up against this week.

   I was talking to Libby again this week, and we were once again discussing the disconnect between mind and body, about feeling fat vs. being fat etc.  Another friend of hers who was heavier like I am said she had never felt fat, had not really felt the size she knew logically that she was.  She found herself misjudging the space that her body required.  She would run into things, bump into people-- because her mind perceived her body to be smaller than it actually was.

  It may sound weird for someone who is used to being in their body, who has felt in tune with it for years-- if not their whole life... but it made complete sense to me.  If for no other reason than I've recently become so aware of it myself.  I've said time and time again that (until recently) I have always felt fat.  And for years now my body has matched that.  I've been acutely aware of how much space my body takes up.  I have always tried to leave extra space between myself and others, have resisted spaces I felt were too small for me even if they may have actually been big enough.

   But right around the time I had my great revelation about myself, I started to run into things.  A lot.  Now, I'm definitely a klutz... anyone that knows me could tell you that.  I trip on my own feet, on carpet, on tile, on pretty much nothing at all.  And I do tend to run into things on my left side as I'm blind in that eye.

  But right now both arms sport some unusual bruises, and I've a few more bumps on my thighs and hips, and even my stomach is sporting some new scrapes and bumps.  And it wasn't until Libby and I were talking about her friend not recognizing the space her body occupied that I realized-- the way I perceive myself has changed.  Completely.  I no longer have a connection to how large I am.  I am frustrated repeatedly by the space my stomach alone occupies, and if I run into the cubicle wall around John's desk on my way back from the copier one more time I might scream!

   These are not problems the "fat" me had.  If I ran into something, it's because it was on the left and I didn't see it... or because I was forced to be in a space that really was too close and small for my body.  ...  Or because I was having a klutzy moment.

  But in general... "fat" me was pretty good about getting around, in and out, being in her own space and knowing the boundaries of that.  The me that is fat but doesn't feel fat-- not so much.  I'll admit, that's where the pace of this whole revolution gets a little frustrating.  I know that what I'm doing will take time-- quite a bit probably.  My expectations for my actual weight loss I think are pretty reasonable.  I also know that if I lose this weight slowly and steadily instead of all at once with many plateaus, I'm more likely to keep it off because I'll have to change my lifestyle and habits to make it happen.  But because it will take time it means most likely, I'm going to have to get used to running into things.  

   On the plus side... I've got concrete proof that this whole change has really taken hold.  A brief stop for dinner supplies last night brought home an ice cream treat.  I decided it had been a long week and I wanted some ice cream.  I also bought an apple tray.  2 kinds of apple slices and a container of low-fat caramel sauce.  When dinner was done and I wanted a treat... I chose the apples.  Not out of a desire to have a healthier dessert... but because they sounded tastier than the ice cream.  

   Once again, a week of pluses and minuses.  But that's to be expected.  This isn't an overnight success story, nor something I've started that I'll give up at the first hint of difficulty.  This is just the beginning of a long haul that will end with me once again feeling like me... and looking like me too!

Week Two Ends, Week Three Begins

Well, week two of my personal food revolution is drawing to a close, and with week three breaking in the morning, I'm finding a lot of positives to look back on this week.   I'm still really struggling with the starving/stuffed dilemma... but there has been a LOT of progress on that front!


    My "stuffed" is coming a lot sooner than it used to.  Tuesday's dinner consisted of some leftover sandwich, 2 servings of veggies, 3 kiwi, and 2 low-sodium cheese sticks.  And I sat, about 1.5 hours later, still stuffed.







    On one hand it was kind of encouraging-- because the honest truth is that's about half of the food I would have eaten in my "fat" life.  But now, that's just not enough as it turns out-- it's more than enough.  Maybe it was that 3rd kiwi.  Regardless, I think I can afford to reduce more than I originally estimated.


   Monday night, we went to my favorite chinese buffet- a strategical error perhaps.  I still did tons better than I used to... but I don't think I'm ready for regular patronage at buffets.  It's not so much anything emotional as it is that regardless of my need and desire to eat better-- I do truly love food.  And going somewhere with relatively unlimited access to food I love... probably not the best idea.  Like I said, strategical error.  I did set a limit for mysefl and stuck to it, but it needed to be a smaller limit.  Live. Learn... and then eat less!


   I have to admit I'm pretty happy about that little development


   My healthy snacking, btw... is kicking butt!  Except that I need more kiwi.  Turns out I'm sort of a fruit and veggie slut!  I actually chose to have corn for dessert one night instead of ice cream.  Seriously.  Chose.  And was excited about it.


   At work I'm munching on fruit or low-sodium, low-fat cheese selections in between breakfast and lunch and between lunch and dinner.  One thing I've noticed though, especially today when I managed without anything between breakfast and lunch, although I am still hungry most of the time, it's not the same kind of biting painful hunger that it was last week.  


   This week I also started another step in what will no doubt be a looong process:  I started tracking not just what I ate, but the nutritional content therein.  My weapon for this?  


The Daily Plate!


   A few friends and acquaintances had pointed out the Daily Plate to me when I mentioned I was starting this little journey but when my best of best friends sent me the link, I finally checked it out.  Now, since I announced I've been using it there have been a plethora of opinions about it's effectiveness and even accuracy-- but for a novice calorie counter?  This has been a huge help to me.  I said for years that I would never be one of those people that counted every calorie, and probably in the past I wouldn't  have, but this makes it so so simple.  It has nutritional info for a wide range of well-known restaurants and food brands, and the option to enter caloric information manually as well, so if something isn't listed you can add in the info from the packaging directly.


   I do realize there is much much more to losing this weight than just tracking and reducing my caloric intake.  But that's a big part of it for me, and this makes that so much easier to do.  I also liked that you can select your "activity" level and that one of those choices is actually "sedentary, little or no activity on a daily basis."  My goal of course is to not be sedentary.  I chose (accurately I think) the "office" action level.  I walk around the office, park away from the door of the places I'm going (now), but other than that I don't have a lot of activity going on at the moment.  As I start to lose some weight and can move more, I will absolutely be making strides (no pun intended) to inject actual exercise into my life.  But that step is not happening right now.  


   But, back to the point of the Daily Plate... there's a great wealth of information on a lot of common food places and meals, but I've discovered it's a really good idea to double check the "meal" you've chosen and make sure the ingredients line up with what you actually ate and adjust accordingly.  I found that I had actually selected a "meal" that was about 120 calories more than I'd eaten... due to toppings and various other options that I had not added to my own meal.  


   I don't take it as gospel, and I'm still focusing on improving WHAT I eat as well, reducing fast foods, increasing my veggies and fruit, balancing my proteins better and trying to get a handle on my serious addiction to Carbs.


   So far it's still a work in process, as this is wont to be.   But with each day it gets a little easier, and every tool I collect makes that even better.


   Of course all of that is fantastic... but there are minuses too this week, and I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention them.


   I had some excitement last week, where I finally felt I'd found a good resource for (in particular jeans!) good fat clothes.  One resource: Old Navy which since the last time I shopped online has expanded their plus size section :w00t!:


   I have always had a really hard time with Jeans... once upon a time I had only one pair to use (much to my best friend's chagrin), and now I'm pretty much back to that... much to my own.  The jeans I currently wear are HUGE... big enough that I have actually sewn the zipper shut to keep it from falling down from lack of tension.  If I'm not careful, in a few more pounds they may actually be big enough to fall off of my body.  Now, I'm not complaining about shrinking out of my jeans... but for some reason finding new ones is ridiculously difficult for me!


   Lane Bryant and Fashion Bug (my 2 favorite go-tos for fat clothes) have instituted "right size" sizing in their jean lines.  Basically, instead of having it be a 14/16... it's now a size 1.  


Seriously?  




No, seriously?


   Ok look, calling it a 7 doesn't fool me.  I still know it should be a 26/28.  This re-labeling redesign has accomplished 2 things.  #1 they've redesigned the denim lines with different "fit' zones as well, so you're supposed to go in and get measured to determine which one is the best fit for you.  And #2 they've reduced the size range that they carry in the stores to begin with.


   Now, if you're a fat girl, if you've ever been a fat girl, if you have issues with your weight even if you're not a fat girl-- please tell me I'm not alone in this.  Do they honestly,  honestly truly think I am going to haul my fat ass into a store to get it measured for JEANS?  I can't even bear to get on a scale alone in my room with only the dog to watch me!  But to go to a store and have some stranger actually measure me?  For a pair of freaking jeans?  I'm sorry.  No.  Jeans should be the LEAST stressful part of your wardrobe, outside of comfy pants of course.  


   So boom, no buying jeans at Fashion Bug or Lane Bryant.  So that leaves... Avenue and Catherine's.  Avenue does actually carry real sizes, and generally they "carry" my size, although it tends to sell out quickly.  But in addition, I'm not a huge fan of their denim.  Right now in stores it's all about 2 styles:


1.  The "skinny" jean.   Again-- seriously?  A "skinny" jean at a fat girl store?  Wrong.  Just... wrong.


2. The "boyfriend" jean.  Now, maybe this is where my little queer brain is a bit off the beaten path but.. I don't want a boyfriend... why the hell would I want a "boyfriend" jean.  If I wanted a "boyfriend" jean, I'd go buy mine in the men's section.  Nuff said!


   So now I'm left with only online options and with women's sizes being nowhere near standardized, that means I could need a jean sized anywhere from 24 to 32... depending on who it comes from.  I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous and insanely frustrating.


   So I took the plunge, and ordered 2 pair of jeans from Old-Navy in each of 2 sizes.  I also ordered a pair of black slacks, as my work pants have seen better days.  THe good news, I suppose, is that the slacks are pretty damn close.  I'll be keeping them for when I lose the first few pounds, I can get them on, even fastened-- but they're pretty tight at the waist still.  Not for long though, so into the closet they go.


   The jeans however... :sigh:  Well-- it was worth a shot.  I suppose now I'm facing the dilemma of do I send them back and exchange for the larger size that probably will fit?  Or do I hold onto them as "goal" jeans?  


   I'm probably going to send them back.  I need jeans now!  I can buy goal jeans in a store any day of the week if I want to.


   I suppose though that frustrating is more about the women's clothing industry than about my actual weight loss journey.  Because the truth is for my part I really am doing some amazing things on this little road-trip to skinny.


   Tonight we went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants.  Instead of gorging on chips while I waited for the main course, I had about 4 chips, then sat and waited.  I got beef fajitas, loaded a tortilla with meat and onion, some guacamole and a sliver of sour cream, and enjoyed it immensely.  Did that with a 2nd tortilla to finish up the meat (I'm trying to rebalance out my protein vs. carb ratios), then had about 3 more chips with some of the beans and guac and another sliver of sour cream... and left everything else-- including the 3rd tortilla, and probably 80-90% of the sour cream.  


   And you know what?  I didn't miss any of it.  I didn't miss the 3rd tortilla, didn't miss the bowlful of chips, didn't miss the regret that used to come with cleaning my plate.  Because I had enough to eat... but not too much.  And my roommate slash fairy-godmother nearly dropped dead when I said no thank you to the sour cream from her plate that I would once have scarfed without a second thought.  Was shocked again when she realized I'd left so much of my own sour cream too!  


   And so... week 2 of project skinnygirlscreams comes to a close.  I'm looking forward to my veggie dessert later on, and seeing what progress the next week will bring to me.  Or rather, what success I will bring to myself, because this change isn't something that is happening to me... it's something I'm creating for myself.  


   Because I am stronger than my shell and I will not ignore the skinny girl inside who is screaming to get out!

Week One Ends, and Week Two Begins

It's official. 1 week. The first week is over. I thought it would be a lot harder, to be honest. When I made the decision to really and truly revolutionize my eating life, I knew it would be hard. I knew it would frustrating, that I would be tempted at every turn to go back, I knew it was easier to let the fat girl win and just keep on doing what I've always done.

Fortunately, only one of those things proved to be true. It is frustrating. But to everyone's surprise (mine most of all!) it is the easiest change I've ever made. And although I have had moments of temptation-- it is not a constant struggle to make myself stop eating when I should be full, not a constant struggle to evict unnecessary food from my life, not a constant struggle to avoid sliding backwards.

And although that fat girl screams like hell, it turns out that I am finally stronger than she is. I went grocery shopping today with healthy intentions-- not for the first time I suppose, but this time with the willpower to follow through.

My haul:

2 32oz water bottles

Low-Sodium cheese sticks

Light Baby Bell Cheese rounds

Light Laughing cow wedges

Apples

Bananas

Kiwi

3 different kinds of individual-serving steam trays of veggies

And 2 different kinds of granola bars:

-Special K Chocolately Pretzel flavored cereal bars

-Nature Valley Chewy Yogurt (vanilla and strawberry)

I tried both different packs today and they're actually tasty! Also, at work I have a big thing of cashews that I munch on 2 or 3 at a time when I get really hungry.

I brought in my old insulated lunch pack so I can freeze it overnight and then load it with fruit and cheese to take to work for during the day.

I'm hoping that will help with some of the biting hunger that's been frustrating me so much.

The problem with never feeling full is it makes it hard to know when to stop eating. Eventually this process for me will be more measured and structured. It will probably involving counting calories and servings, fats and sugars. But to start with I needed to see if I can handle just-- being hungry. Because even if this whole revolution ends up in the hands of a doctor and a nutritionist (which it no doubt will once my health insurance kicks in), it's going to involve a certain amount of restriction... and for someone who doesn't feel "full"... that means getting used to feeling hungry.

And it's been easier than I thought. Frustrating? Yes. Absolutely-- but not for the reason you think. It's not the hunger itself that's frustrating, it's not the biting, gnawing, I want (but don't need) food feeling. It's the knowledge that I still have the feeling-- when I've had enough food. It's the battle between logic and stomach. It's knowing I've eaten enough that I should feel full but I don't. That's what's frustrating. As it turns out-- I can handle being hungry.

Maybe it's because I have such an appreciation for why it's necessary right now to be so. Maybe it's because I'm more logical than I give myself credit for. Maybe it's because somewhere deep down where I can't feel it I am full. Whatever the reason, I've picked a line at every meal and when I hit it, I stop eating. For right now it's enough change to make a difference, any change will make a difference.

So restriction was the first change... maybe restriction is the wrong word. Reduction? Better.

(as an in the moment aside, I just finished 1/2 of my water intake for the day.. time start on the 2nd 32oz)

Back to reduction. No matter what turn the actual nutrition of this whole thing ends up taking, eating LESS of whatever is going to be part of it. And after this week I at least know that I can handle that.

A small synopsis of the changes that were made in the last week:

1. Major Portion Reduction

-it's actually my goal right now to leave some food behind at each meal. Instead of eating until I'm stuffed, I eat until it seems as though I should be full-- then I stop. Sometimes that means feeling a little hungry still. I'm dealing with it. And I'm not starving myself, trust me, I am still eating plenty.

2. Liquid Intake

-I've been drinking a lot more water this week than I usually do. I finally have 32oz water bottles, so now I'm going to be a 64oz a day girl. I'm not ready to give up my diet coke so don't even try... but I'll be adding in more water to balance things out.

3. Snacking Changes

-No more chips and bread, no more random crap food. Fruit. Protein. Veg. Granola. I'll probably add in some yogurt at some point but it's not my favorite thing so maybe not. And no more snacking out of boredom, and an almost complete kibosh on the emotional snack-age. I'm an adult and I don't need to deal with my feelings by stuffing my face. Those days are over.

In time, there will be counting and meal planning, doctors, nutritionists, guidance. But right now, on my own I need to know that I can handle the consequences of all that when the time comes. So I'm taking this into my own hands and changing my life. No one else can. And by the time my insurance kicks in and I have the funds to get my doctor involved-- I'll already be 2 steps ahead, and ready for the rest of the journey.

But for right now, I think I hear some veggies calling my name.