Week Five Ends, Week Six Begins!

   Well, another week winds to a close tonight, and I'm pleased to say it's been a raging success once more!


   As of this morning I am down a total of 14.2 lbs since May 17th.  I'm hoping maybe tomorrow I'll lose that last 1.2 to hit that magic 15.  I don't know why it's magic.  It's not really I suppose, but for as long as I've been the way I've been.. it seems like magic to me :)


   I don't really have much to say of any depth or philosophical value... my weight loss progresses, but it was a stressful work week and I'm exhausted.


   My cycle pedal machine arrived this week!  Unfortunately the chair I use at my desk here is too low for me to use it!  Another thing on my list of stuff-to-buy this weekend.  I think one without wheels would work best.  Once I've had a chance to actually USE it, I'll post a full fledged review of the thing here for those that are interested.


   And now... let's revue my stats:


   First there's the calorie counter for the last week.  I told Kris tonight I'd been under 2,000 calories every day this week, but then reviewed and realized that wasn't true!  I've been pretty close, except for last Friday (and tonight when I rewarded the end of a hard work week with ice cream), but I have been under my daily maximum calories each day.

   Looking at it, I can see that I have been under 2,500 calories each day this week (although only by a hair today) which is kind of exciting.  Of course classical health class training tells us that a standard diet is between 2,000 and 2,500 calories.  I never thought I'd be in that range.  Ever.  The fact there is actually a day (2 actually) where I was under 2,000 is amazing to me!  As I lose more weight of course that maximum recommended caloric intake goes down further and further, and I'm not sure it reflects super-accurately on that graph.  But each morning I put in my new weight, I note the adjustment, and I plan my meals accordingly.


  Here is a fairly typical day for me right now, food-wise:

   And because of all of that, because of weeks of that now... My weight chart looks like this:

  I keep waiting for the  plateau.  And I know it's early... and the plateau is probably just around the next corner.  There have been two small spikes, but each time the number once again went down.  I suppose the more amazing thing is that each time I saw those spikes... I didn't freak out.  I didn't relapse.  I didn't immediately reach for the ice cream containers, and fast food.  I didn't go back to sneaking extra burgers, or extra fatty meals in between my regular meals.  I've stayed true.  And honest.  And I didn't panic.  I know spikes are going to happen-- so are plateaus.  It's inevitable at some point.


   The trick is not to go back to old habits when that happens.  The truth is, I'm hoping that by the time I hit plateau-ville, my health insurance will have kicked in and it will be time to get my doctor involved and (at the very least) get my thyroid tested. I remain convinced that it's my thyroid causing my "fullness" issues.  For about a week, maybe too it seemed as though I'd finally normalized.  I'd eat, feel full, stop eating.. it was wonderful.... but then this week-- back to feeling either starved or stuffed again. It's almost as if I conquer it and then my body says... "oooooooohhhhh reaaaally?  See how you like this bitch?"  and goes right back to the beginning.  I told Kris this week I think it's that fat girl trying to fight her way back to the forefront.


   I don't think she's quite realized she's not going to win this time.  I have tools, I have power, and I'm stronger than she is.  Even though this has been easy so far, I go into each day expecting it to be difficult, expecting each choice to be hard.  But it's not.  It might be still, as I get further into it all, but at 6 weeks, it's just as easy as day 1.  Possibly getting easier-- every healthy choice I make leads to another healthy choice.  Each conscious decision leads to another.  I've been thinking all along that it would be really easy to go back though.  To go back to not caring, to eating whatever, whenever, wherever.  But I realized  yesterday that's not true.


   Case in point, 2 of the delicious meals I had this week for dinner at home:

   I have fallen in love with Green Giant's vegetable steamers.  I usually steam one package in the microwave, then heat up 1 serving of Target's store brand frozen grilled chicken strips, stir them together and splash on a smidge of Nature's seasons and/or some shredded parmesan cheese.  The meals are fresh, delicious and seriously low in ... well.. everything!  The green bean/red potato mix is particularly delicious with chicken.


   Last night when it was time to decide on dinner I had a craving for Chili's.  I had the calories left to go and enjoy whatever I wanted for the day, but I suggested Panda Express instead.  It involved about half the intake in almost all categories as chili's would have, and I realized once and for all that I really have made  a permanent change to my life.  I don't know if I'll track every morsel that goes in my life every day for the rest of  my life.  But I'm 99% sure that once I lose all of this weight-- I will keep it off.  I've made a change that is a permanent alteration in my relationship to food.  And the truth is I can still eat all the things that I want to.  I could easily have gone to Chili's and probably not have overdone it as far as my food tally goes.  I'd already made the decision not to smother myself with food anymore and it's working.


  All of that in spite of a return to being staved and stuffed.  Guess it's time for my body to realize I'm going to win.  Because let's be honest... I am in control of this.  Completely.


  I'm still frustrated by my clothes.  I attempted a hot water shrink of my blue jeans last wash.  It didn't help much.  One wear and they're back to falling off.  And yet I'm still not down enough to fit into the smaller size I bought from Old Navy.  In another week, I should be able to wear the slacks though (assuming my weight loss continues at a similar rate), and that's something.    Jeans or no jeans, I have to say I feel like I'm losing weight, I feel lighter, and I think if this hadn't been such a stressful week at work, I'd probably have more energy too.  Really, aside from the disappointing return to my fullness issues, everything feels different.  Things are starting to feel right.


At least they're headed in the right direction!

Week Two Ends, Week Three Begins

Well, week two of my personal food revolution is drawing to a close, and with week three breaking in the morning, I'm finding a lot of positives to look back on this week.   I'm still really struggling with the starving/stuffed dilemma... but there has been a LOT of progress on that front!


    My "stuffed" is coming a lot sooner than it used to.  Tuesday's dinner consisted of some leftover sandwich, 2 servings of veggies, 3 kiwi, and 2 low-sodium cheese sticks.  And I sat, about 1.5 hours later, still stuffed.







    On one hand it was kind of encouraging-- because the honest truth is that's about half of the food I would have eaten in my "fat" life.  But now, that's just not enough as it turns out-- it's more than enough.  Maybe it was that 3rd kiwi.  Regardless, I think I can afford to reduce more than I originally estimated.


   Monday night, we went to my favorite chinese buffet- a strategical error perhaps.  I still did tons better than I used to... but I don't think I'm ready for regular patronage at buffets.  It's not so much anything emotional as it is that regardless of my need and desire to eat better-- I do truly love food.  And going somewhere with relatively unlimited access to food I love... probably not the best idea.  Like I said, strategical error.  I did set a limit for mysefl and stuck to it, but it needed to be a smaller limit.  Live. Learn... and then eat less!


   I have to admit I'm pretty happy about that little development


   My healthy snacking, btw... is kicking butt!  Except that I need more kiwi.  Turns out I'm sort of a fruit and veggie slut!  I actually chose to have corn for dessert one night instead of ice cream.  Seriously.  Chose.  And was excited about it.


   At work I'm munching on fruit or low-sodium, low-fat cheese selections in between breakfast and lunch and between lunch and dinner.  One thing I've noticed though, especially today when I managed without anything between breakfast and lunch, although I am still hungry most of the time, it's not the same kind of biting painful hunger that it was last week.  


   This week I also started another step in what will no doubt be a looong process:  I started tracking not just what I ate, but the nutritional content therein.  My weapon for this?  


The Daily Plate!


   A few friends and acquaintances had pointed out the Daily Plate to me when I mentioned I was starting this little journey but when my best of best friends sent me the link, I finally checked it out.  Now, since I announced I've been using it there have been a plethora of opinions about it's effectiveness and even accuracy-- but for a novice calorie counter?  This has been a huge help to me.  I said for years that I would never be one of those people that counted every calorie, and probably in the past I wouldn't  have, but this makes it so so simple.  It has nutritional info for a wide range of well-known restaurants and food brands, and the option to enter caloric information manually as well, so if something isn't listed you can add in the info from the packaging directly.


   I do realize there is much much more to losing this weight than just tracking and reducing my caloric intake.  But that's a big part of it for me, and this makes that so much easier to do.  I also liked that you can select your "activity" level and that one of those choices is actually "sedentary, little or no activity on a daily basis."  My goal of course is to not be sedentary.  I chose (accurately I think) the "office" action level.  I walk around the office, park away from the door of the places I'm going (now), but other than that I don't have a lot of activity going on at the moment.  As I start to lose some weight and can move more, I will absolutely be making strides (no pun intended) to inject actual exercise into my life.  But that step is not happening right now.  


   But, back to the point of the Daily Plate... there's a great wealth of information on a lot of common food places and meals, but I've discovered it's a really good idea to double check the "meal" you've chosen and make sure the ingredients line up with what you actually ate and adjust accordingly.  I found that I had actually selected a "meal" that was about 120 calories more than I'd eaten... due to toppings and various other options that I had not added to my own meal.  


   I don't take it as gospel, and I'm still focusing on improving WHAT I eat as well, reducing fast foods, increasing my veggies and fruit, balancing my proteins better and trying to get a handle on my serious addiction to Carbs.


   So far it's still a work in process, as this is wont to be.   But with each day it gets a little easier, and every tool I collect makes that even better.


   Of course all of that is fantastic... but there are minuses too this week, and I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention them.


   I had some excitement last week, where I finally felt I'd found a good resource for (in particular jeans!) good fat clothes.  One resource: Old Navy which since the last time I shopped online has expanded their plus size section :w00t!:


   I have always had a really hard time with Jeans... once upon a time I had only one pair to use (much to my best friend's chagrin), and now I'm pretty much back to that... much to my own.  The jeans I currently wear are HUGE... big enough that I have actually sewn the zipper shut to keep it from falling down from lack of tension.  If I'm not careful, in a few more pounds they may actually be big enough to fall off of my body.  Now, I'm not complaining about shrinking out of my jeans... but for some reason finding new ones is ridiculously difficult for me!


   Lane Bryant and Fashion Bug (my 2 favorite go-tos for fat clothes) have instituted "right size" sizing in their jean lines.  Basically, instead of having it be a 14/16... it's now a size 1.  


Seriously?  




No, seriously?


   Ok look, calling it a 7 doesn't fool me.  I still know it should be a 26/28.  This re-labeling redesign has accomplished 2 things.  #1 they've redesigned the denim lines with different "fit' zones as well, so you're supposed to go in and get measured to determine which one is the best fit for you.  And #2 they've reduced the size range that they carry in the stores to begin with.


   Now, if you're a fat girl, if you've ever been a fat girl, if you have issues with your weight even if you're not a fat girl-- please tell me I'm not alone in this.  Do they honestly,  honestly truly think I am going to haul my fat ass into a store to get it measured for JEANS?  I can't even bear to get on a scale alone in my room with only the dog to watch me!  But to go to a store and have some stranger actually measure me?  For a pair of freaking jeans?  I'm sorry.  No.  Jeans should be the LEAST stressful part of your wardrobe, outside of comfy pants of course.  


   So boom, no buying jeans at Fashion Bug or Lane Bryant.  So that leaves... Avenue and Catherine's.  Avenue does actually carry real sizes, and generally they "carry" my size, although it tends to sell out quickly.  But in addition, I'm not a huge fan of their denim.  Right now in stores it's all about 2 styles:


1.  The "skinny" jean.   Again-- seriously?  A "skinny" jean at a fat girl store?  Wrong.  Just... wrong.


2. The "boyfriend" jean.  Now, maybe this is where my little queer brain is a bit off the beaten path but.. I don't want a boyfriend... why the hell would I want a "boyfriend" jean.  If I wanted a "boyfriend" jean, I'd go buy mine in the men's section.  Nuff said!


   So now I'm left with only online options and with women's sizes being nowhere near standardized, that means I could need a jean sized anywhere from 24 to 32... depending on who it comes from.  I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous and insanely frustrating.


   So I took the plunge, and ordered 2 pair of jeans from Old-Navy in each of 2 sizes.  I also ordered a pair of black slacks, as my work pants have seen better days.  THe good news, I suppose, is that the slacks are pretty damn close.  I'll be keeping them for when I lose the first few pounds, I can get them on, even fastened-- but they're pretty tight at the waist still.  Not for long though, so into the closet they go.


   The jeans however... :sigh:  Well-- it was worth a shot.  I suppose now I'm facing the dilemma of do I send them back and exchange for the larger size that probably will fit?  Or do I hold onto them as "goal" jeans?  


   I'm probably going to send them back.  I need jeans now!  I can buy goal jeans in a store any day of the week if I want to.


   I suppose though that frustrating is more about the women's clothing industry than about my actual weight loss journey.  Because the truth is for my part I really am doing some amazing things on this little road-trip to skinny.


   Tonight we went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants.  Instead of gorging on chips while I waited for the main course, I had about 4 chips, then sat and waited.  I got beef fajitas, loaded a tortilla with meat and onion, some guacamole and a sliver of sour cream, and enjoyed it immensely.  Did that with a 2nd tortilla to finish up the meat (I'm trying to rebalance out my protein vs. carb ratios), then had about 3 more chips with some of the beans and guac and another sliver of sour cream... and left everything else-- including the 3rd tortilla, and probably 80-90% of the sour cream.  


   And you know what?  I didn't miss any of it.  I didn't miss the 3rd tortilla, didn't miss the bowlful of chips, didn't miss the regret that used to come with cleaning my plate.  Because I had enough to eat... but not too much.  And my roommate slash fairy-godmother nearly dropped dead when I said no thank you to the sour cream from her plate that I would once have scarfed without a second thought.  Was shocked again when she realized I'd left so much of my own sour cream too!  


   And so... week 2 of project skinnygirlscreams comes to a close.  I'm looking forward to my veggie dessert later on, and seeing what progress the next week will bring to me.  Or rather, what success I will bring to myself, because this change isn't something that is happening to me... it's something I'm creating for myself.  


   Because I am stronger than my shell and I will not ignore the skinny girl inside who is screaming to get out!

Week One Ends, and Week Two Begins

It's official. 1 week. The first week is over. I thought it would be a lot harder, to be honest. When I made the decision to really and truly revolutionize my eating life, I knew it would be hard. I knew it would frustrating, that I would be tempted at every turn to go back, I knew it was easier to let the fat girl win and just keep on doing what I've always done.

Fortunately, only one of those things proved to be true. It is frustrating. But to everyone's surprise (mine most of all!) it is the easiest change I've ever made. And although I have had moments of temptation-- it is not a constant struggle to make myself stop eating when I should be full, not a constant struggle to evict unnecessary food from my life, not a constant struggle to avoid sliding backwards.

And although that fat girl screams like hell, it turns out that I am finally stronger than she is. I went grocery shopping today with healthy intentions-- not for the first time I suppose, but this time with the willpower to follow through.

My haul:

2 32oz water bottles

Low-Sodium cheese sticks

Light Baby Bell Cheese rounds

Light Laughing cow wedges

Apples

Bananas

Kiwi

3 different kinds of individual-serving steam trays of veggies

And 2 different kinds of granola bars:

-Special K Chocolately Pretzel flavored cereal bars

-Nature Valley Chewy Yogurt (vanilla and strawberry)

I tried both different packs today and they're actually tasty! Also, at work I have a big thing of cashews that I munch on 2 or 3 at a time when I get really hungry.

I brought in my old insulated lunch pack so I can freeze it overnight and then load it with fruit and cheese to take to work for during the day.

I'm hoping that will help with some of the biting hunger that's been frustrating me so much.

The problem with never feeling full is it makes it hard to know when to stop eating. Eventually this process for me will be more measured and structured. It will probably involving counting calories and servings, fats and sugars. But to start with I needed to see if I can handle just-- being hungry. Because even if this whole revolution ends up in the hands of a doctor and a nutritionist (which it no doubt will once my health insurance kicks in), it's going to involve a certain amount of restriction... and for someone who doesn't feel "full"... that means getting used to feeling hungry.

And it's been easier than I thought. Frustrating? Yes. Absolutely-- but not for the reason you think. It's not the hunger itself that's frustrating, it's not the biting, gnawing, I want (but don't need) food feeling. It's the knowledge that I still have the feeling-- when I've had enough food. It's the battle between logic and stomach. It's knowing I've eaten enough that I should feel full but I don't. That's what's frustrating. As it turns out-- I can handle being hungry.

Maybe it's because I have such an appreciation for why it's necessary right now to be so. Maybe it's because I'm more logical than I give myself credit for. Maybe it's because somewhere deep down where I can't feel it I am full. Whatever the reason, I've picked a line at every meal and when I hit it, I stop eating. For right now it's enough change to make a difference, any change will make a difference.

So restriction was the first change... maybe restriction is the wrong word. Reduction? Better.

(as an in the moment aside, I just finished 1/2 of my water intake for the day.. time start on the 2nd 32oz)

Back to reduction. No matter what turn the actual nutrition of this whole thing ends up taking, eating LESS of whatever is going to be part of it. And after this week I at least know that I can handle that.

A small synopsis of the changes that were made in the last week:

1. Major Portion Reduction

-it's actually my goal right now to leave some food behind at each meal. Instead of eating until I'm stuffed, I eat until it seems as though I should be full-- then I stop. Sometimes that means feeling a little hungry still. I'm dealing with it. And I'm not starving myself, trust me, I am still eating plenty.

2. Liquid Intake

-I've been drinking a lot more water this week than I usually do. I finally have 32oz water bottles, so now I'm going to be a 64oz a day girl. I'm not ready to give up my diet coke so don't even try... but I'll be adding in more water to balance things out.

3. Snacking Changes

-No more chips and bread, no more random crap food. Fruit. Protein. Veg. Granola. I'll probably add in some yogurt at some point but it's not my favorite thing so maybe not. And no more snacking out of boredom, and an almost complete kibosh on the emotional snack-age. I'm an adult and I don't need to deal with my feelings by stuffing my face. Those days are over.

In time, there will be counting and meal planning, doctors, nutritionists, guidance. But right now, on my own I need to know that I can handle the consequences of all that when the time comes. So I'm taking this into my own hands and changing my life. No one else can. And by the time my insurance kicks in and I have the funds to get my doctor involved-- I'll already be 2 steps ahead, and ready for the rest of the journey.

But for right now, I think I hear some veggies calling my name.