Week Two Ends, Week Three Begins

Well, week two of my personal food revolution is drawing to a close, and with week three breaking in the morning, I'm finding a lot of positives to look back on this week.   I'm still really struggling with the starving/stuffed dilemma... but there has been a LOT of progress on that front!


    My "stuffed" is coming a lot sooner than it used to.  Tuesday's dinner consisted of some leftover sandwich, 2 servings of veggies, 3 kiwi, and 2 low-sodium cheese sticks.  And I sat, about 1.5 hours later, still stuffed.







    On one hand it was kind of encouraging-- because the honest truth is that's about half of the food I would have eaten in my "fat" life.  But now, that's just not enough as it turns out-- it's more than enough.  Maybe it was that 3rd kiwi.  Regardless, I think I can afford to reduce more than I originally estimated.


   Monday night, we went to my favorite chinese buffet- a strategical error perhaps.  I still did tons better than I used to... but I don't think I'm ready for regular patronage at buffets.  It's not so much anything emotional as it is that regardless of my need and desire to eat better-- I do truly love food.  And going somewhere with relatively unlimited access to food I love... probably not the best idea.  Like I said, strategical error.  I did set a limit for mysefl and stuck to it, but it needed to be a smaller limit.  Live. Learn... and then eat less!


   I have to admit I'm pretty happy about that little development


   My healthy snacking, btw... is kicking butt!  Except that I need more kiwi.  Turns out I'm sort of a fruit and veggie slut!  I actually chose to have corn for dessert one night instead of ice cream.  Seriously.  Chose.  And was excited about it.


   At work I'm munching on fruit or low-sodium, low-fat cheese selections in between breakfast and lunch and between lunch and dinner.  One thing I've noticed though, especially today when I managed without anything between breakfast and lunch, although I am still hungry most of the time, it's not the same kind of biting painful hunger that it was last week.  


   This week I also started another step in what will no doubt be a looong process:  I started tracking not just what I ate, but the nutritional content therein.  My weapon for this?  


The Daily Plate!


   A few friends and acquaintances had pointed out the Daily Plate to me when I mentioned I was starting this little journey but when my best of best friends sent me the link, I finally checked it out.  Now, since I announced I've been using it there have been a plethora of opinions about it's effectiveness and even accuracy-- but for a novice calorie counter?  This has been a huge help to me.  I said for years that I would never be one of those people that counted every calorie, and probably in the past I wouldn't  have, but this makes it so so simple.  It has nutritional info for a wide range of well-known restaurants and food brands, and the option to enter caloric information manually as well, so if something isn't listed you can add in the info from the packaging directly.


   I do realize there is much much more to losing this weight than just tracking and reducing my caloric intake.  But that's a big part of it for me, and this makes that so much easier to do.  I also liked that you can select your "activity" level and that one of those choices is actually "sedentary, little or no activity on a daily basis."  My goal of course is to not be sedentary.  I chose (accurately I think) the "office" action level.  I walk around the office, park away from the door of the places I'm going (now), but other than that I don't have a lot of activity going on at the moment.  As I start to lose some weight and can move more, I will absolutely be making strides (no pun intended) to inject actual exercise into my life.  But that step is not happening right now.  


   But, back to the point of the Daily Plate... there's a great wealth of information on a lot of common food places and meals, but I've discovered it's a really good idea to double check the "meal" you've chosen and make sure the ingredients line up with what you actually ate and adjust accordingly.  I found that I had actually selected a "meal" that was about 120 calories more than I'd eaten... due to toppings and various other options that I had not added to my own meal.  


   I don't take it as gospel, and I'm still focusing on improving WHAT I eat as well, reducing fast foods, increasing my veggies and fruit, balancing my proteins better and trying to get a handle on my serious addiction to Carbs.


   So far it's still a work in process, as this is wont to be.   But with each day it gets a little easier, and every tool I collect makes that even better.


   Of course all of that is fantastic... but there are minuses too this week, and I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention them.


   I had some excitement last week, where I finally felt I'd found a good resource for (in particular jeans!) good fat clothes.  One resource: Old Navy which since the last time I shopped online has expanded their plus size section :w00t!:


   I have always had a really hard time with Jeans... once upon a time I had only one pair to use (much to my best friend's chagrin), and now I'm pretty much back to that... much to my own.  The jeans I currently wear are HUGE... big enough that I have actually sewn the zipper shut to keep it from falling down from lack of tension.  If I'm not careful, in a few more pounds they may actually be big enough to fall off of my body.  Now, I'm not complaining about shrinking out of my jeans... but for some reason finding new ones is ridiculously difficult for me!


   Lane Bryant and Fashion Bug (my 2 favorite go-tos for fat clothes) have instituted "right size" sizing in their jean lines.  Basically, instead of having it be a 14/16... it's now a size 1.  


Seriously?  




No, seriously?


   Ok look, calling it a 7 doesn't fool me.  I still know it should be a 26/28.  This re-labeling redesign has accomplished 2 things.  #1 they've redesigned the denim lines with different "fit' zones as well, so you're supposed to go in and get measured to determine which one is the best fit for you.  And #2 they've reduced the size range that they carry in the stores to begin with.


   Now, if you're a fat girl, if you've ever been a fat girl, if you have issues with your weight even if you're not a fat girl-- please tell me I'm not alone in this.  Do they honestly,  honestly truly think I am going to haul my fat ass into a store to get it measured for JEANS?  I can't even bear to get on a scale alone in my room with only the dog to watch me!  But to go to a store and have some stranger actually measure me?  For a pair of freaking jeans?  I'm sorry.  No.  Jeans should be the LEAST stressful part of your wardrobe, outside of comfy pants of course.  


   So boom, no buying jeans at Fashion Bug or Lane Bryant.  So that leaves... Avenue and Catherine's.  Avenue does actually carry real sizes, and generally they "carry" my size, although it tends to sell out quickly.  But in addition, I'm not a huge fan of their denim.  Right now in stores it's all about 2 styles:


1.  The "skinny" jean.   Again-- seriously?  A "skinny" jean at a fat girl store?  Wrong.  Just... wrong.


2. The "boyfriend" jean.  Now, maybe this is where my little queer brain is a bit off the beaten path but.. I don't want a boyfriend... why the hell would I want a "boyfriend" jean.  If I wanted a "boyfriend" jean, I'd go buy mine in the men's section.  Nuff said!


   So now I'm left with only online options and with women's sizes being nowhere near standardized, that means I could need a jean sized anywhere from 24 to 32... depending on who it comes from.  I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous and insanely frustrating.


   So I took the plunge, and ordered 2 pair of jeans from Old-Navy in each of 2 sizes.  I also ordered a pair of black slacks, as my work pants have seen better days.  THe good news, I suppose, is that the slacks are pretty damn close.  I'll be keeping them for when I lose the first few pounds, I can get them on, even fastened-- but they're pretty tight at the waist still.  Not for long though, so into the closet they go.


   The jeans however... :sigh:  Well-- it was worth a shot.  I suppose now I'm facing the dilemma of do I send them back and exchange for the larger size that probably will fit?  Or do I hold onto them as "goal" jeans?  


   I'm probably going to send them back.  I need jeans now!  I can buy goal jeans in a store any day of the week if I want to.


   I suppose though that frustrating is more about the women's clothing industry than about my actual weight loss journey.  Because the truth is for my part I really am doing some amazing things on this little road-trip to skinny.


   Tonight we went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants.  Instead of gorging on chips while I waited for the main course, I had about 4 chips, then sat and waited.  I got beef fajitas, loaded a tortilla with meat and onion, some guacamole and a sliver of sour cream, and enjoyed it immensely.  Did that with a 2nd tortilla to finish up the meat (I'm trying to rebalance out my protein vs. carb ratios), then had about 3 more chips with some of the beans and guac and another sliver of sour cream... and left everything else-- including the 3rd tortilla, and probably 80-90% of the sour cream.  


   And you know what?  I didn't miss any of it.  I didn't miss the 3rd tortilla, didn't miss the bowlful of chips, didn't miss the regret that used to come with cleaning my plate.  Because I had enough to eat... but not too much.  And my roommate slash fairy-godmother nearly dropped dead when I said no thank you to the sour cream from her plate that I would once have scarfed without a second thought.  Was shocked again when she realized I'd left so much of my own sour cream too!  


   And so... week 2 of project skinnygirlscreams comes to a close.  I'm looking forward to my veggie dessert later on, and seeing what progress the next week will bring to me.  Or rather, what success I will bring to myself, because this change isn't something that is happening to me... it's something I'm creating for myself.  


   Because I am stronger than my shell and I will not ignore the skinny girl inside who is screaming to get out!

Week One Ends, and Week Two Begins

It's official. 1 week. The first week is over. I thought it would be a lot harder, to be honest. When I made the decision to really and truly revolutionize my eating life, I knew it would be hard. I knew it would frustrating, that I would be tempted at every turn to go back, I knew it was easier to let the fat girl win and just keep on doing what I've always done.

Fortunately, only one of those things proved to be true. It is frustrating. But to everyone's surprise (mine most of all!) it is the easiest change I've ever made. And although I have had moments of temptation-- it is not a constant struggle to make myself stop eating when I should be full, not a constant struggle to evict unnecessary food from my life, not a constant struggle to avoid sliding backwards.

And although that fat girl screams like hell, it turns out that I am finally stronger than she is. I went grocery shopping today with healthy intentions-- not for the first time I suppose, but this time with the willpower to follow through.

My haul:

2 32oz water bottles

Low-Sodium cheese sticks

Light Baby Bell Cheese rounds

Light Laughing cow wedges

Apples

Bananas

Kiwi

3 different kinds of individual-serving steam trays of veggies

And 2 different kinds of granola bars:

-Special K Chocolately Pretzel flavored cereal bars

-Nature Valley Chewy Yogurt (vanilla and strawberry)

I tried both different packs today and they're actually tasty! Also, at work I have a big thing of cashews that I munch on 2 or 3 at a time when I get really hungry.

I brought in my old insulated lunch pack so I can freeze it overnight and then load it with fruit and cheese to take to work for during the day.

I'm hoping that will help with some of the biting hunger that's been frustrating me so much.

The problem with never feeling full is it makes it hard to know when to stop eating. Eventually this process for me will be more measured and structured. It will probably involving counting calories and servings, fats and sugars. But to start with I needed to see if I can handle just-- being hungry. Because even if this whole revolution ends up in the hands of a doctor and a nutritionist (which it no doubt will once my health insurance kicks in), it's going to involve a certain amount of restriction... and for someone who doesn't feel "full"... that means getting used to feeling hungry.

And it's been easier than I thought. Frustrating? Yes. Absolutely-- but not for the reason you think. It's not the hunger itself that's frustrating, it's not the biting, gnawing, I want (but don't need) food feeling. It's the knowledge that I still have the feeling-- when I've had enough food. It's the battle between logic and stomach. It's knowing I've eaten enough that I should feel full but I don't. That's what's frustrating. As it turns out-- I can handle being hungry.

Maybe it's because I have such an appreciation for why it's necessary right now to be so. Maybe it's because I'm more logical than I give myself credit for. Maybe it's because somewhere deep down where I can't feel it I am full. Whatever the reason, I've picked a line at every meal and when I hit it, I stop eating. For right now it's enough change to make a difference, any change will make a difference.

So restriction was the first change... maybe restriction is the wrong word. Reduction? Better.

(as an in the moment aside, I just finished 1/2 of my water intake for the day.. time start on the 2nd 32oz)

Back to reduction. No matter what turn the actual nutrition of this whole thing ends up taking, eating LESS of whatever is going to be part of it. And after this week I at least know that I can handle that.

A small synopsis of the changes that were made in the last week:

1. Major Portion Reduction

-it's actually my goal right now to leave some food behind at each meal. Instead of eating until I'm stuffed, I eat until it seems as though I should be full-- then I stop. Sometimes that means feeling a little hungry still. I'm dealing with it. And I'm not starving myself, trust me, I am still eating plenty.

2. Liquid Intake

-I've been drinking a lot more water this week than I usually do. I finally have 32oz water bottles, so now I'm going to be a 64oz a day girl. I'm not ready to give up my diet coke so don't even try... but I'll be adding in more water to balance things out.

3. Snacking Changes

-No more chips and bread, no more random crap food. Fruit. Protein. Veg. Granola. I'll probably add in some yogurt at some point but it's not my favorite thing so maybe not. And no more snacking out of boredom, and an almost complete kibosh on the emotional snack-age. I'm an adult and I don't need to deal with my feelings by stuffing my face. Those days are over.

In time, there will be counting and meal planning, doctors, nutritionists, guidance. But right now, on my own I need to know that I can handle the consequences of all that when the time comes. So I'm taking this into my own hands and changing my life. No one else can. And by the time my insurance kicks in and I have the funds to get my doctor involved-- I'll already be 2 steps ahead, and ready for the rest of the journey.

But for right now, I think I hear some veggies calling my name.

On Titles and link names...

You may be wondering about the site reg for this blog: "skinnygirlscreams"

Believe it or not, that was very carefully selected and I was glad to see it was actually available. If you've read my first post (whether you read it here or on Facebook) you'll know that my big push right now is that inside all of this fat and flesh is a skinny girl-- screaming to get out.

This blog is my attempt to track that, to put a (hopefully weekly) face to this journey, and give that skinny girl a place to scream. I guess the fat girl will probably scream a bit too. I've been overweight since I was about 15. The fat girl is used to being in charge and I think the shift in authority is probably going to end up giving the fat girl a bit of a fit.

I know that sounds a little MPD (multiple personality disorder for the uninitiated), but roll with me on this...

It used to be that I felt fat all the time-- long before I was actually overweight. And when I finally did end up "fat" it seemed kind of appropriate. Because my outside matched my inside. They were the same person.

But that's not true anymore. Somewhere in the last few years I grew, changed into someone who is active and adventurous. Someone who wants to go out and do things, to be more than I am already. And that person isn't a fat girl. That person is thin, and healthy and trapped in a shell that doesn't work anymore. And in a way it is almost like being 2 people. I used be united and now I'm not. Now I'm at war.

I'm fighting my own body. My friend Libby talked to me the other day about a similar division-- where she was so separated from her body that it never even occurred to her to be comfortable in it. Well, I suppose that's as good a way as any to explain it. Well, somehow or another that division has been smashed to smithereens and for the first time in ... well.. ever I feel like I should be comfortable in my body. And I'm not, because this is not my body.

So forgive my multiplicity for awhile will you? I'm on a journey to go from 2 people (well.. at my weight 2.5 really) down to 1. And in the meantime, let the skinny girl start screaming!

Not Just a Fat Girl Anymore...

The note that started it all:

I realized something this week. Something that has completely changed what happens when I look in the mirror. The truth is it’s sort of two-fold. Last year I recognized something about my life that I’d never seen or been able to articulate before.

I have never, as long as I can remember-- felt full. I’m not talking about emotional fullness, I’m talking physical, food-related fullness. I’ve felt hungry. And I’ve felt stuffed. But that line between the two-- the trigger that most people feel when they’re eating that makes them STOP before they get to the “stuffed” part of the equation-- I don’t have that. Part of the revelation happened because I actually did for one fleeting meal have the sensation and it made me realize something had been missing for 28 years. And part of the revelation happened because I stepped back to evaluate the cause of my continuing weight battles.

Once I became aware of what I’d been missing I started to focus on it, to try and find ways to trick my body into feeling it. I started eating more slowly-- much more slowly, and had a modicum of success with that. But eventually, even then I still lost that trigger. I still ended up not feeling full until I was too full. And I’ll be honest-- I gave up.

In my lifetime I’ve done a few things to try and lose weight. I’ve even tried it the right way: diet and exercise. But in the end I ended up failing on several fronts... #1 I would just get so frustrated I’d give up, #2 I’d lose 20, 30 pounds maximum and then not lose another pound no matter how much longer I kept it up, #3 when I reached my heaviest point-- it became so painful and so difficult to exercise that I just--- couldn’t.

And that’s partly where this week’s realization comes in too. Because the thing I realized is that I am not a fat girl anymore. Not inside anyway.

I have always felt fat, even before I was. I grew up depressed, anxious, terrified of the world around me, and living primarily to make my mom’s dreams for me take flight. By the time I hit 15, and my weight crossed the line from “chunky” to “fat” it was actually fine. It fit. It fit how I’d always felt anyway, but it also fit who I was inside. I’d spent years wanting to be invisible, and suddenly my body made that happen. It was almost a blessing because it was probably the first (and only) time I’d felt like my outside matched my inside. I didn’t want to be noticed, and I was unnoticeable!

But in the 6 years since my mom died, things have changed-- I’ve changed. The fat girl I was was dispassionate, weak, quiet, unknown and unknowable. It wasn’t even that other people didn’t know who I was, I didn’t even know. In the last 6 years though I’ve become loud, opinionated, passionate, ambitious, even adventurous.

And the person that I am today is not a fat girl. But my body still is, and despite the efforts I’ve made in the past I also recognize that I can’t change that by myself. It’s something I may never be able to change enough if I can’t even figure out when I’m full.

In the last week I’ve been brutally aware of just how much my weight is in my way now. It didn’t used to be. Not because I’m bigger than I was before... but because the person I am inside wants... no NEEDS... more from my life than my body can provide.

And it’s not about being beautiful. It’s not about wanting to be a size 2. I think those of you that know me well know that how I look is really not that important to me. Never has been. It’s not even about being healthy, although of course that’s a concern. What this is about is the fact that I can’t be who I am, because my body is in the way. From inane things like being embarrassingly out of breath walking up stairs, to my actual stomach being in the way of being able to get a perfect shot, my body is not working for me anymore. I want more. I need more!

A friend invited me to walk with her around the lake on Saturdays. And I enthusiastically said I’d love to! I had visions of saturday walks around the lake with camera in tow, getting to know a relatively new friend better while doing something I really needed to do for my own health. I prepped my camera, I bought walking shoes, a nike fit to keep track of my steps. And after one outing I was so embarrassed, and so slow, and in so much pain that I’ve not gone back since. I find myself saying no to things because I’m physically unable to participate because of either my size, or the pain that the activity would inevitably cause.

My hips and knees are in their worst shape ever, and the limit that puts on my ability to move and exercise the way I otherwise would LOVE to is sad and counterproductive. I’m frustrated by my limitations and I’m frustrated by the knowledge that there’s only so much I can accomplish about it on my own. Frustrated that in all honesty, unless I can find that “full” trigger... there will only ever be so far I can take this journey to make my outside match my shiny new inside.

I entered a contest this week. New Hope Center is offering a free lap-band surgery. I answered their questions, wrote my little mini essay to convince them that I’m the one who deserves this, who needs this more than the others who entered. And I’m sure that everyone else who enters will want and need this just as much as I do. All I can do is hope that they can see what this would mean to me.

I read through their site extensively, and I’ve done some research on these procedures before anyway. One of the things that jumped out at me over and over again about the procedure was the phrase that surgical patients who received the lap band surgery felt “full sooner, and stayed full longer.”

Full.

Because really when you boil it down... that’s what I really want. I want my body and my spirit to match so that my life can be just that:

Full.

So cross your fingers. Send a prayer my way. I’m still going to try and make steps on my own. I did the hard work on the inside, to become a person that I not only like, but am proud of! And that is 100x harder than making some changes to my eating habits. But whether I win it, or save up for it... I’m going to need more than just willpower and some lifestyle changes to make this outside into something that matches ME.

I want to look in the mirror and see myself again, instead of me staring out of a shell of fat-- waiting for everything to line up again.