6 months ago, a year ago.. hell TWO months ago I would have read this and thought yeah-- whatever, great for YOU. I've said before that my motivations for these changes are not what you would expect. I spent years knowing how bad my weight was for my health... I've spent years fearing diabetes, heart problems, cholesterol issues, high blood pressure.
I have known intimately the risk of being overweight. My adopted mom died in part because she was too heavy still for them to perform a transplant. It wasn't the primary cause-- but it was part of a larger problem. I have a 34 year old friend who recently had a heart attack. He is recovering, but he too has struggled with severe obesity and despite having lost more than 200 lbs... the damage to his heart was so bad from all those years of being overweight that they reported a 95, 98, and 100% blockage in various arteries. At age 34.
I have seen up close the damage that excess weight can do to a body at the level of weight that I carry. That was not enough to get me off my ass to make changes.
Intellectually I have always known I needed to make changes, that I needed to get myself in gear and change the way I live, and especially-- the way I eat. But it is not something that happens just because you know it should.
I was talking to a coworker today about my turnaround and admitted I've said for years, known and wanted for years, to change my life. But that I could not fathom actually doing it until I started this process in April. Why?
I don't know. I guess for me it really was about making the connection between my body and my spirit, and about realizing what a disconnect suddenly existed there.
Libby chided me (gently) that other overweight folks reading this blog will do as I would have done and wave their hands at me, sigh in frustration and be unable to relate. I can't change that. I have read blogs and books and treatises. I have heard from doctors and friends and loved ones. I have known intimately for years that I need to make these changes. But the thing is, as I told my coworker-- no one can actually make it happen but me. No one can motivate you to make the ultimate decision to alter your life but YOU.
One of my all-time favorite quotes is, "I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul." William Ernest Henley. And I believe that now more than ever. I've blogged before about my life, and how I grew up feeling like a fat girl. But you should probably know that along with that came a crippling social anxiety disorder, severe depression, even self-injury. I was a pretty messed up chicky for a lot of years. And people used to say, "it'll get better you'll see..." or "you can get better, it won't always be this way," or "someday this will all just be something to learn from." And in that moment, in the midst of it all, the only thing I could think in response was, "bull. shit."
I have known intimately the risk of being overweight. My adopted mom died in part because she was too heavy still for them to perform a transplant. It wasn't the primary cause-- but it was part of a larger problem. I have a 34 year old friend who recently had a heart attack. He is recovering, but he too has struggled with severe obesity and despite having lost more than 200 lbs... the damage to his heart was so bad from all those years of being overweight that they reported a 95, 98, and 100% blockage in various arteries. At age 34.
I have seen up close the damage that excess weight can do to a body at the level of weight that I carry. That was not enough to get me off my ass to make changes.
Intellectually I have always known I needed to make changes, that I needed to get myself in gear and change the way I live, and especially-- the way I eat. But it is not something that happens just because you know it should.
I was talking to a coworker today about my turnaround and admitted I've said for years, known and wanted for years, to change my life. But that I could not fathom actually doing it until I started this process in April. Why?
I don't know. I guess for me it really was about making the connection between my body and my spirit, and about realizing what a disconnect suddenly existed there.
Libby chided me (gently) that other overweight folks reading this blog will do as I would have done and wave their hands at me, sigh in frustration and be unable to relate. I can't change that. I have read blogs and books and treatises. I have heard from doctors and friends and loved ones. I have known intimately for years that I need to make these changes. But the thing is, as I told my coworker-- no one can actually make it happen but me. No one can motivate you to make the ultimate decision to alter your life but YOU.
One of my all-time favorite quotes is, "I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul." William Ernest Henley. And I believe that now more than ever. I've blogged before about my life, and how I grew up feeling like a fat girl. But you should probably know that along with that came a crippling social anxiety disorder, severe depression, even self-injury. I was a pretty messed up chicky for a lot of years. And people used to say, "it'll get better you'll see..." or "you can get better, it won't always be this way," or "someday this will all just be something to learn from." And in that moment, in the midst of it all, the only thing I could think in response was, "bull. shit."
But one day, I realized that I could be stronger than my anxiety. I realized how much I was missing every. single. day. by letting my life be ruled by my panic and terror and discomfort. And I decided I was tired of living that way. Now-- keep in mind too that I was on anti-anxiety meds daily for a loooong time before I felt strong enough to take control without them, and I consider myself very lucky and very blessed that I am able to function, and function well without them. And I firmly believe if you need medication to live a happy healthy life that you should take it! I am certainly not anti-meds. But for me, I am proud and happy to be able to say that even without medication I control my anxiety disorder... it doesn't control me.
And now, by the grace of God-- or whatever you happen to believe in-- I control my food-life as well. And the taking of those reigns was similar to taking control of my anxiety. But the bottom line is nobody convinced me to do it. No one talked me into it. No one was able to motivate me to take the reigns. I had to make that decision myself. I had find the place inside myself that said, "enough is enough." And once I found that the rest became easy.
I still struggle... both with my food and my anxiety to be honest. And a lot of the issues with my anxiety are still tied up in my weight. I am acutely aware of the limitations of my body and it makes me self-conscious. But when you boil it all down-- this change has been and continues to be........ easy.
And now, I even have a routine in place.
Weekdays:
-Wake up 8:00am.
-Pit Stop
-Weight taking and recording
-Shower, dress, etc.
-8:30ish on the road to work: Eat Fiber One Oats and Chocolate Bar for breakfast
-9am-12:30 work (1 can of diet coke)
-12:30-1:30 Lunch of my choosing (usually Subway these days although not always)
-1:30-6pm work (occasionally a nature valley granola bar snack, or Special K bar)
-6:30-8:00pm home/dinner of whatever. (Dinner generally depends on how many calories I have left after tracking my food for the day)
-9:00pm relaxing at home, 4 fiber advance gummies, 2 VitaFusion Multi Vite gummies (yes, I take gummy supplements instead of pills. I hate pills. Sorry!)
I've been trying to get better about going to bed earlier, but that doesn't always happen (I'm sort of an insomniac by nature). And throughout my day I am constantly drinking water as well. I've actually stopped tracking my water intake because I'm well above the minimum 64oz. requirement at this point.
And after doing all of that as my regular routine for less than a week... here is the result based on daily weight-taking:
BTW... Because I know that is teeny tiny... You're looking at a net loss of 7 whole lbs. SEVEN. From May 17th to the morning of May 21st, 7 pounds. Amazing what adding your full daily recommended dose of fiber can do eh?
Ok, it's more than just the fiber, we all know that. And I realize that seems like a lot to drop in such a short period of time but there are a few of things to consider here.
1. I have been embracing these changes for a full month now, but only weighed myself on the 17th.
2. In addition to adding fiber, reducing salt, sugar, carbs, and calories, I've also being drinking tons of water.
3. I've greatly reduced the quantities of food that I eat in general-- across the board.
4. I started out at 367 pounds. That's disturbingly heavy. The heavier you are, the faster the weight comes off at first.
5. The first time I weighed myself it was at night... all my subsequent weights have been taken first thing in the morning. So really we're probably talking about a general loss of about 3 or 4 pounds, not a full 7.
But here's more... this is the chart tracking my caloric intake day by day for the last week:
Each day after I weigh myself, I enter that weight at the daily plate, and it adjusts my calorie goal. I don't know that it's specifically reflected in this little chart, but if you look closely you'll see that regardless.. I have been at or under (in some cases quite a bit under) that red target line. In fact, on the 16th and 19th I was actually under 2000 calories total.
My eventual target is probably going to be around the 2,000 calorie mark which is I believe fairly standard. And really all I've done this week is prove to myself how attainable that is.
I am surprised constantly, at how easy the choice part of all of this has been for me. This evening Kris and I were discussing dinner options and she mentioned that our favorite cashier was back at Corner Bakery. He has been at a downtown location for quite some time and we had sort of stopped visiting our favorite because he was no longer there. Now that he's back my first reaction was... let's go to Corner Bakery for dinner!! But then as I drove home thinking about it I realized... I don't really like their salads. And what I would really want to eat-- would be my favorite Pesto Cavatappi. Since I did NOT have subway for lunch, that calorie level was not really left in my plan for the day. So I suggested we go next week sometime when I'd had a more sensible lunch and could plan in the meal more carefully.
Once she got done being shocked, Kris agreed and supported my decision. Do I regret not having Pesto Cavatappi for dinner tonight? mmmmmm Yes. I love their pasta. But do I regret that more than I would have regretted coming home to enter the information and seeing that green bar shoot over my red line? No. Absolutely not. Because to me, my health and my goals are more important than the immediate gratification that comes with eating whatever I want whenever I want it. And for those few of you that know me well-- you know what a major change that is.
Although, those of you that know me that well are probably still stuck at the note in my daily routine where I mention my one can of diet coke. I am a self-professed caffeine junkie. I do enjoy coffee drinks (the fatty tasty ones of course), but I live on diet coke. And it is more than just the soda itself, my regular consumption of large amounts of caffeine also helps keep my migraines at bay-- which is something I'm going to have to start evaluating in the next week or so once the caffeine withdrawal starts to hit me and those migraines start creeping up. But for now, I am adjusting to the lack of caffeine and finding that with my diet suddenly infused with fruit and veg and fiber... I actually am not missing the energy-boost that much. In fact, if I could get my sleep schedule in a little tighter control, my energy issues would probably take care of themselves.
Overall this week has been possibly the most positive of all. I took a lot of risks this week emotionally. Measuring-- and more importantly posting my weight so publicly is something that I have sworn for years would never ever happen. But I have not lost a minute of sleep over it. I have not wasted a moment worrying about what anyone will think. Because as I said to Libby during our talk-- at this point I know what that number is. It's a number. It's not ME. I am not 367.4 pounds. I am simply carrying 367.4 pounds. It doesn't define me... it just explains where I've begun.
My goals are not about my weight per se. There is no magic weight goal in my mind. There isn't even a magic pant-size goal. I think I'll know when I've gotten to where I want to be. When I can be as active as I want to be. When I can participate in the parts of life that I miss out on now because of my size or fitness level. When I can walk into a room and feel comfortable in my skin because it fits me...then it will be enough. It may be that the number that coincides with that is 130 pounds... it could even be 160 pounds. I've said all along this is not about what I weigh... this is about how I feel.
That is my motivation. And if you're reading this in a body that frustrates you, carrying extra weight, carrying all of your own baggage, carrying your past metaphorically or physically... if you're reading this thinking, "well that's all very well for you bitch..." then I'm praying for you the way I used to pray for me. Praying that someday you will see that we are more than where we began. Praying that someday you will see that inside you is a beautiful person waiting to be recognized by no one other than you. I'm praying that your revolution arrives just when you need it. That it takes you by the hand and makes the pathway to your true self as simple as mine has become.
You control your own fate. You are the master of your own destiny.
I still struggle... both with my food and my anxiety to be honest. And a lot of the issues with my anxiety are still tied up in my weight. I am acutely aware of the limitations of my body and it makes me self-conscious. But when you boil it all down-- this change has been and continues to be........ easy.
And now, I even have a routine in place.
Weekdays:
-Wake up 8:00am.
-Pit Stop
-Weight taking and recording
-Shower, dress, etc.
-8:30ish on the road to work: Eat Fiber One Oats and Chocolate Bar for breakfast
-9am-12:30 work (1 can of diet coke)
-12:30-1:30 Lunch of my choosing (usually Subway these days although not always)
-1:30-6pm work (occasionally a nature valley granola bar snack, or Special K bar)
-6:30-8:00pm home/dinner of whatever. (Dinner generally depends on how many calories I have left after tracking my food for the day)
-9:00pm relaxing at home, 4 fiber advance gummies, 2 VitaFusion Multi Vite gummies (yes, I take gummy supplements instead of pills. I hate pills. Sorry!)
I've been trying to get better about going to bed earlier, but that doesn't always happen (I'm sort of an insomniac by nature). And throughout my day I am constantly drinking water as well. I've actually stopped tracking my water intake because I'm well above the minimum 64oz. requirement at this point.
And after doing all of that as my regular routine for less than a week... here is the result based on daily weight-taking:
Ok, it's more than just the fiber, we all know that. And I realize that seems like a lot to drop in such a short period of time but there are a few of things to consider here.
1. I have been embracing these changes for a full month now, but only weighed myself on the 17th.
2. In addition to adding fiber, reducing salt, sugar, carbs, and calories, I've also being drinking tons of water.
3. I've greatly reduced the quantities of food that I eat in general-- across the board.
4. I started out at 367 pounds. That's disturbingly heavy. The heavier you are, the faster the weight comes off at first.
5. The first time I weighed myself it was at night... all my subsequent weights have been taken first thing in the morning. So really we're probably talking about a general loss of about 3 or 4 pounds, not a full 7.
But here's more... this is the chart tracking my caloric intake day by day for the last week:
Each day after I weigh myself, I enter that weight at the daily plate, and it adjusts my calorie goal. I don't know that it's specifically reflected in this little chart, but if you look closely you'll see that regardless.. I have been at or under (in some cases quite a bit under) that red target line. In fact, on the 16th and 19th I was actually under 2000 calories total.
My eventual target is probably going to be around the 2,000 calorie mark which is I believe fairly standard. And really all I've done this week is prove to myself how attainable that is.
I am surprised constantly, at how easy the choice part of all of this has been for me. This evening Kris and I were discussing dinner options and she mentioned that our favorite cashier was back at Corner Bakery. He has been at a downtown location for quite some time and we had sort of stopped visiting our favorite because he was no longer there. Now that he's back my first reaction was... let's go to Corner Bakery for dinner!! But then as I drove home thinking about it I realized... I don't really like their salads. And what I would really want to eat-- would be my favorite Pesto Cavatappi. Since I did NOT have subway for lunch, that calorie level was not really left in my plan for the day. So I suggested we go next week sometime when I'd had a more sensible lunch and could plan in the meal more carefully.
Once she got done being shocked, Kris agreed and supported my decision. Do I regret not having Pesto Cavatappi for dinner tonight? mmmmmm Yes. I love their pasta. But do I regret that more than I would have regretted coming home to enter the information and seeing that green bar shoot over my red line? No. Absolutely not. Because to me, my health and my goals are more important than the immediate gratification that comes with eating whatever I want whenever I want it. And for those few of you that know me well-- you know what a major change that is.
Although, those of you that know me that well are probably still stuck at the note in my daily routine where I mention my one can of diet coke. I am a self-professed caffeine junkie. I do enjoy coffee drinks (the fatty tasty ones of course), but I live on diet coke. And it is more than just the soda itself, my regular consumption of large amounts of caffeine also helps keep my migraines at bay-- which is something I'm going to have to start evaluating in the next week or so once the caffeine withdrawal starts to hit me and those migraines start creeping up. But for now, I am adjusting to the lack of caffeine and finding that with my diet suddenly infused with fruit and veg and fiber... I actually am not missing the energy-boost that much. In fact, if I could get my sleep schedule in a little tighter control, my energy issues would probably take care of themselves.
Overall this week has been possibly the most positive of all. I took a lot of risks this week emotionally. Measuring-- and more importantly posting my weight so publicly is something that I have sworn for years would never ever happen. But I have not lost a minute of sleep over it. I have not wasted a moment worrying about what anyone will think. Because as I said to Libby during our talk-- at this point I know what that number is. It's a number. It's not ME. I am not 367.4 pounds. I am simply carrying 367.4 pounds. It doesn't define me... it just explains where I've begun.
My goals are not about my weight per se. There is no magic weight goal in my mind. There isn't even a magic pant-size goal. I think I'll know when I've gotten to where I want to be. When I can be as active as I want to be. When I can participate in the parts of life that I miss out on now because of my size or fitness level. When I can walk into a room and feel comfortable in my skin because it fits me...then it will be enough. It may be that the number that coincides with that is 130 pounds... it could even be 160 pounds. I've said all along this is not about what I weigh... this is about how I feel.
That is my motivation. And if you're reading this in a body that frustrates you, carrying extra weight, carrying all of your own baggage, carrying your past metaphorically or physically... if you're reading this thinking, "well that's all very well for you bitch..." then I'm praying for you the way I used to pray for me. Praying that someday you will see that we are more than where we began. Praying that someday you will see that inside you is a beautiful person waiting to be recognized by no one other than you. I'm praying that your revolution arrives just when you need it. That it takes you by the hand and makes the pathway to your true self as simple as mine has become.
You control your own fate. You are the master of your own destiny.
Your journey is very inspiring to me, Sarah! You are motivating me to buckle down and reach my fitness goals as well! Please keep on keeping on! --Katie
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