Week Sixteen.... or Maybe Seventeen

    Ok.  So I'm struggling.  Not so much with the actual weight loss stuff as a process-- although I did hit a bit of a stall for the last 2 weeks-- hence the lack of blogging.  I haven't gained back weight, which is good, but I haven't lost anymore either.  But part of that is probably because the week of my birthday I let loose a little, then balanced it out with a ton of exercise (well a ton for me.).


    Then last week I was back on track portion wise, but still eating more crap than good stuff.   Still, not really overdoing it so I've managed to maintain and not gain.  Which I suppose is the least I should be shooting for.


No, the food stuff is not really my struggle, not the big one anyway.  I'm the struggle.  Me. Therapy session # 2 was last night, and it's given me a lot to think about.  A lot to process.  And I'm struggling.


    The problem is I'm not invisible anymore, which I thought would be a good thing.  I feel like I've spent a lot of years longing for people to SEE me, to reach out to me, to notice me.   But now it seems almost every other day someone notices me, notices my weight loss, notices the changes I'm making, the changes I've made.  And while there is a part of me that is glad-- glad that my hard work can be seen.  Except that I didn't realize how much I valued being invisible.


    SuperTherapist gave me a new motto this week.  "I am visible in my world."  I added something of my own to that, and now it sits on my desk with my last post-it motto, "Not everything is going to get done and that's ok."   Below that sits a new post it with, "I am visible in my world.  And that is a good thing"  And that's part of my project for the week... learning to be visible in my world-- and learning to accept that visibility is a good thing.  Part of the problem (which I already knew but didn't really enjoy admitting) is that I hate my body.  I didn't say that in therapy in so many words.  I talked around it for awhile.  And when SuperTherapist asked me right out if I love myself my response was that I love the person I'm going to be.   That I don't NOT love myself.


   But really, if I can't even come out and say that I love myself... doesn't that alone speak volumes?  One of the things SuperTherapist and I are going to start working... intently... is learning to love the person I AM, and not just the person I want to be.  And a lot of that is what SuperTherapist calls:  Body Work.   Which I recognize is going to be a major step for  me.  Not just in actualizing my weight loss goals, but in coming to terms with my life.  If I'm going to happy with my body when I'm done with this... I have to learn to love the body that I have now.


   I have big issues with my body.  I've said here before that I have felt fat for as long as I can remember.  In fact, feeling fat, feeling unattractive is one of the first things I do remember.  One of the first feelings I remember.  And whether that was because someone led me to believe I am or because I looked at the world around me and realized I just didn't fit in, either way that became a pervasive thought in my lifetime... a belief.  I've spent most of my 29 years being dissatisfied at best, and disgusted at worst, with my body.  I told SuperTherapist last night something I've only ever told 3 people in my whole life...   I don't find myself unattractive... as me looking at me.  As the body and face that I'm in.  I can recognize that I'm not Ugly.  But I have a hard time feeling that someone ELSE would find me attractive.   I have a hard time believing that the body I've carried with me for so many years is something to be loved-- not just by anyone else... but by me.


   I've been focusing alot on "future" me in the last year.  And for awhile, my present me was pretty  happy.  I had a job I loved, that was fulfilling, and satisfying, that made me happy.  And then when that ended, I went back to focusing on "future" me.  The healthy me, the skinny me, the attractive me, the happy, satisfied, fulfilled, loved me.  But I have very pointedly not focused on my PART in that, my role.  Particularly when it comes to loving my body.  Body Work.  I suppose that part of my idealism about this whole weight loss thing was that I could do this, the physical work of it without confronting the fact that not loving my body won't change just because I change my body.  It's something I have to do inside out.


  So what's the first step?  Well, the motto I guess.  "I am visible in my world, and that is a good thing."  But next-- my first ever massage.












   Yes, a massage.  I know, clapping hands, happy smiles, even jealousy.  A massage as therapy.  For you maybe.  For me?  Fear.  Anxiety.  Pain. Even disgust, revulsion.  I have a hard time with touch.  I'm good with hugs.  I can cuddle a friend.  But I am so embarrassed by my body.  By my fat.  By my folds, and wrinkles, by my cottage cheese thighs, by my flabby upper arms.  There are a million pieces of my body that I could point to that make it hard for me to just be touched.  The idea of a massage on the body I have now makes me ashamed.  Ashamed that I let my body get this way.  I guess deep down I feel like I'm too disgusting to touch.  That my fat makes me untouchable.  And I hadn't really stopped to think that unless I can learn to love all those pieces now, will I ever really love myself when they're gone?  I have to stop being embarrassed by the body that carries me through my days.  I have to accept what it is now.  I can still change it, I can still make it healthier, stronger.  But before I can do that: I have to love what's already there.


   Part of that involves learning to appreciate touch.  Being touched.  So, I'm getting a massage... during my therapy session.  August 30th.  And I'd like to say there is part of me that's excited, ore relieved even.  I'm glad I'm doing.  I'm even gladder that I have a good friend who is a massage therapist... who happens to know SuperTherapist and will be giving me my first massage while SuperTherapist talks me through.  And I'm trying really hard not to feel ridiculous for needing a therapist in order to get a massage.


   But just like everything else I've been doing for the last 17 weeks... this is just a step-- and a necessary one.




   Because someday I AM going to love my body.  And not just my "future" body, but the one I'm stuck with until I get to where I want to be.




"Stuck with."  Clearly I have more work to do.  :sigh:  As SuperTherapist says, I am just a work in progress.  So... here's to progress.




:cheers: