Week Nine Ends, Week 10 Begins

Ok... so that last entry... was the good stuff.  But to be fair it wasn't all flowers and puppies these last 2 weeks.

   I had some pain and frustration too, some of it weight related, and some of it not. I mentioned that this is our busy season at work... our CRAZY busy season.  Serious stress and a lot of wicked weird hours spent working... at work AND at home.  Yes, remote access...  straddling the line between blessing and curse since the invention of remote networking.  And because of the constant stress, I'm revisiting some of my natural anxieties, and finding that my threshold for my own personal dysfunctions is minimal at best.

   The point is, although the weight stuff as a process has been as painless as it's ever been, my self-consciousness about my weight is at an all-time high.  I have always been self-conscious about my size... it's something I should be used to.  But it feels like lately it's worse than ever.  

   I was talking to a friend about some of the things I'll do once I lose the weight, and I realized how much of myself I put on a shelf because I'm embarrassed about how I look.  I feel like the more weight I lose... the more self-conscious I get-- which is so counter-productive in so many ways.

   Part of my drive to lose weight is because I want to be able to live a different kind of life than the hermitude I've been living for so many years.  But even with that drive I am still so reluctant to break free in so many ways.  My boss asked me the other day if I'd lost weight.  Which was nice, for a couple of reasons-- but primarily because even though she knows I've been trying, I know she wouldn't have asked if it wasn't noticeable.  And I was so excited about that.  But then of course I look in the mirror and I still see this fat suit that I carry around with me and I'm discouraged that it's not happening faster.


   I'm still at 21.6 lbs by the way.  Yup.  Stuck.  Already.  But past experience from the last 2 months has shown that those numbers WILL change.  And if I keep doing what I've been doing-- they will start going back down again.


   I am so aware though, of my presence in the spaces I inhabit.  So aware of my many chins, my flabby arms, my giant thighs.  I am aware of the fact that my stomach is in the way of everything I try to do, and that my knees and hips ache with even the slightest movement above and beyond what is required to get through my day.


   And even though I'm long over feeling fat on the inside... I am painfully, screamingly aware of the fat that I still carry around every single day.  Since I'm feeling insecure and exposed anyway.. here's a little bit of what's been in my head this week...  (hey, I promised you honesty... so here's honest).  I've been dwelling on some old issues... feeling like I'm not good enough, that I won't be good enough.  That I just won't be ... enough.  Feeling insignificant and unwelcome.  At the same time in some places I feel like the center of attention, as though everyone is staring at me, judging my body.  These are things that I banished (or thought I'd banished) long ago.  I'm a person who claims not to care what others think of me-- or at least what they think of my looks.  And yet, after a FABULOUS haircut yesterday... I still can't stand having  a picture taken-- because said fabulous haircut?  Is still attached to my fat face.


   I know these things will change, not just physically, but emotionally.  I have banished these insecurities before and I will do again.  As I said earlier, I think a lot of the negative thought is coming on the heels of my work stress.  My last job (while the ending was less than ideal) afforded me a lot of confidence.  I was good at it, I knew what I was doing, and I enjoyed it on a daily basis.  It gave me the space to build myself up from the inside out.  And while I like this job too-- it's not something that I feel super confident about yet-- I'm still too new.  And the pressure of it on a daily basis... well fighting that takes all the energy I used to use to bolster my own self-esteem. What does that mean exactly?  It means that for the first time since I started this venture I'm tempted to use food as an emotional tool rather than a physical one.


  So far, I've managed to fight that.  Mostly.  I'm giving in to more fatty foods, but still balancing them within my day and week so that I'm not going over my daily maximums.  But where I was coming in well under my maximums before... now I'm more like.. butting up against them.  Another side-effect... I keep forgetting to weigh myself in the mornings.  Something I was doing religiously for 8 weeks, this last week specifically- I've forgotten 3 out of the last 7 days to get on the scale.  Part of that I think is because I'm getting up earlier, not sleeping well, and heading into work instead of taking the usual 15-20 minutes of relax-time that I used to.  But part of it is I'm also sort of afraid of the scale again.  Not because I think it will have gone back up... I don't.  I know that I'm still doing well enough with my food that I shouldn't re-gain the weight I've lost... at least not significantly.  But I am afraid of the stagnation.  I'm afraid to see the same number 2 days in a row, or 3... or 5.  Afraid to see the same number for a week.


   I've lost a net of 21.6 pounds and I'm not ready for that plateau.  Because how sad would that be?  I know that part of it is that I need to start adding actual exercise to this equation... but my body is making that so difficult.


   We went to see Wicked the other night at Dallas Music Hall... and at the 2 minute warning towards the end of intermission, I found myself still in the bowels of the building, having just exited the bathroom lobbies.  To get to my seat on time I found myself rushing, jogging through the lobbies, and sprinting up the stairs.  By the time I got back to my friends I was mortified-- gasping loudly for breath, and nursing biting pains in my right knee.  Just one of the many times I've been horrifyingly self-aware of what I lug around.  And I'm still put-out emotionally by the experience... still disappointed at my body's response.  Although I'm used to my lack of fitness, used to seeing someone I don't recognize in the mirror, it's been awhile since I've felt that so acutely.  Embarrassed isn't even the word.  Fortunately, I was with dear friends who know and love me and have never once made me feel as though my weight mattered one fig to them.


   They asked if I was alright, allowed me to catch my breath, and one was even kind enough to allow me a sip of her drink.  I can still feel that sensation though- the horror of feeling watched, every jiggle of ever bit of fat, the sharp pains in my knee as I clambered up the steps... and the flush of embarrassment, and the crashing of my chest... trying desperately to get enough air.


   I hate that life.  I hate that body.  The one that isn't me.  As disconnected as I feel from that physicality, I'm still so attached to the emotional negativity that comes with it.  It's such a contrast to what I want to be, what I want to feel.


   Lately, I've been getting into the burlesque circuit down here in Dallas.  Since we started going to shows I am ceaselessly amazed at how confident these women are.  There are girls of all shapes and sizes (some even larger than I am) who get on stage and undress to cheers and applause and riotous support from the audience.  The women, particularly the big girls are beautiful, and fiery, and confident, and are just as popular (if not often more so!) than their thinner counterparts.  I never cease to be amazed as they shake what they've got and crowds go wild.  And although I don't cast any aspersions on women of any variety who find their power in shakin booty and stripping their gloves off (among other things)--  I wish I could tap into their brains and understand.  How.    How?    HOW!


   With the exception of my most recent bout of self-doubt, I'd consider myself a fairly confident person, and fairly comfortable with myself and how I exist in physical space.  But these women defy every iota of doubt I have about my own appearance.  And I wish that I could leech that essence.  I wish that I could be that comfortable with my appearance.. with my fat, and cottage cheese thighs, with my dangling "helens" on my upper arms, with my fat stomach and sagging chest.  I don't want to be a burlesque dancer-- don't get me wrong.  What I want is to be so comfortable with all of those things that I COULD get up and dance (assuming I could actually dance.. which I can't).  


   I know that losing all this weight is not going to magically make me comfortable in my skin.  That's something I'm going to have to continue working on throughout this process.  I guess this is just the week where I start mucking through some of my emotional baggage.  As mom always said... "this too shall pass."  I know I will work through all of this.  I know that in the end I will be a better, healthier, more confident, more fit person... inside and out.


   But right now... I kind of want some ice cream.




   Too bad I didn't save enough calories for that.  Instead, I'm chewing on my fiber supplement gummies and taking my decidedly still-fat ass... to bed.

Week Eight Ends, Week Nine Begins... 2 Months Complete

   Well... this weekend marked a major milestone.   I've been working on this little personal project (if you will) for a full 2 months.  In that time I have (as of yesterday... the 2 month mark to the day) lost 21.6 pounds.


   Now, it's not a monumental amount, especially when you consider that I have about 200 more to lose.  But for someone who's biggest loss in the last 5 years was probably all of about 10 pounds, and purely accidental... 21.6 in 8 weeks is nothing to sneeze at!


   From day one it's been very up and down.  I'll lose a few pounds at a time.. then gain back 1, lose 3, gain 4.  Up and down and up and down... which does get a little frustrating... but I think that's more a hazard of the fact that I weigh myself daily, rather than say-- once a week.

   Of course, as my weight goes down-- my maximum calorie goal goes down as well.  I try very hard to stick with whatever the lowest level I've hit is and stick with that.  So that even if my weight goes back up 2 pounds, I'll still keep the calorie goal from the lower weight.  That way I can ensure I'm setting myself up to continue losing... and not to just-- stall in place.


   I'm keeping my routines, and continuing to pare down my splurges.


   The honest truth is... this week has a been more difficult than most.  Not necessarily on the weight-loss or food front... but as a general principle.  At work this is our busy season-- the time of year when people relocate like crazy.. .needing to ship their cars and execute relocations while school is out for the summer.  Thanks to the economic upturn, business this year is booming-- but it makes for an extremely busy and extremely stressful workplace!  Lunches are grabbed at best while working, and by the time I get home at night even if I AM hungry, I certainly don't have the energy to go out for food much less cook anything myself.


  One change I am glad of (although I'm particularly surprised by it) is my body's reaction to stress-- at least where hunger is concerned.  It used to be stress made me hungry.. starved.  I medicated my stress with food, full of fat and sugar and salt, I used it to numb my stresses away.  Now I find myself having to be reminded to eat.  And truthfully even if I remember... I find that I'm really not hungry, at least not the way I used to be.  I think the thing that struck me the most was Friday night.


   I returned home from the last of 4 11.5 hour days at work and found that, as usual after work this week-- I really wan't terribly hungry.  Until about 10pm.  At which point I almost considered not eating at all since I needed to head to bed and be at work again at 8am on Saturday.   And I sat at my desk-- angry and frustrated, for the first time since I began this process... angry and frustrated about food!  In my old life, at 10pm I would have thrown on some sandals, and headed to whatever fast food joint was still open.


  But as I sat on Friday night-- trying to decide what to do I fumed that I couldn't just run to McDonalds and get food.  I was angry because I hadn't had time to shop and my quick-dinner options at home were so limited.  But even as I was fuming about not having something quick to eat-- it never once occurred to me to go out and GET food the way I would have before.  To my mind, all the fast food joints in the county might as well have been closed.  It simply wasn't an option.


   I ended up heating up some ramen noodles with a smidge of parmesan cheese.  But once again I had occasion to be amazed at the change in my whole thought process about food.  The old ways just aren't an option anymore.


   I did concede to one old way today.  I bought a pint of ice cream... and ate the whoooole thing.  But I opted for something other than my favorite Ben and Jerry's.  Choosing one with 1/2 the calories from a different brand.  Even when I splurge I still can't quite let go fo the new ways...  




   And thank God for that.   As frustrated as I was on Friday night, hungry and tired and unwilling to go back to how it used to be even for a moment-- even with all that... I don't miss the way it used to be-- not for an instant.

Week Seven Ends, Week 8 Begins

There's no real post this week.  No earth-shattering reason except that it's busy season at my day job and between that and a sickly kitten addition to our household... I haven't had time to sit and collect my thoughts for this little mental exercise.


So here's a quick synopsis:


I've conquered eating with my family.  :w00t:  Including eating with my family at Saltgrass!


Also, (thanks in small part to a 24 hour stomach bug) I lost 5.6+ pounds this week.  Which puts me at a total loss of 19.4 lbs since day one.  Yeah, almost 20 lbs in 7 weeks.


Oh, and I bought a pair of size 28 petite jeans today.   Big girls, if you've never shopped there, check out cjbanks.com  much more tailored looking clothes for sizes 14+.  Online sizes up to 32w in some styles.


Prices comparable to Lane Bryant or Catherines, and I was lucky enough to find a store nearby where I could go try on jeans.  The store experience was WONDERFUL.  Normally I am wary of plus-girl stores staffed by skinny-minnies, but the Stick of a Girl that helped me in the store today was incredibly kind, and was able to help me without a single trace of judgement.  


She went the extra mile to try and find some jeans in size 28 (knowing there weren't many jeans in ANY size left at this point in the year).  Then she helped me shop online right from the store for an additional pair to ship to me for free.


Signed me up for their frequent buyer program, and was super helpful about doing the in-store online purchase too.


So, I WILL fill this in with an actual post (hopefully) this week.  In the meantime-- remember to always celebrate your small victories because they're all part of the bigger picture.




So yay!  Size 28 petite jeans that fit!  And a 7-week, almost 20 pound loss.  If I can replicate that 10 times... I'll be almost where I need to end up.  And if not, at least I can keep that momentum going and work my way towards where I want to be.

Week Six Ends, Week Seven Begins

Well, I knew it would happen eventually- but it was a bit frustrating to get on the scale on Monday and see that the numbers had inched ever so slightly back up.


No, I didn't get my final pound to make my loss an even fifteen.  And although I've now lost most of the 4 lbs I gained back... it's hard to describe how emotional it was to see that I had gained back weight.  It was particularly frustrating because I actually got a ton of exercise over the weekend!  Saturday night there was a concert-- lots of dancing, darting around to get pictures, moving and grooving.  Sunday I spent the day in and out of the pool most of the day, and Monday as well.  So to watch that scale crawl back up... was actually sort of devastating.


And my friends and loved ones encouraged me, told me not to give up... tried to convince me that all I'd really done was start building muscle.  And maybe that would be true if I'd started working out regularly... but 3 days of moderate exercise does not muscle-weight gain.  Not significantly at least I don't think.   Not 4 pounds worth of muscle-- as lovely as it would be to believe.


But I did love their support-- and I haven't given up!  I'm still tracking every bite, still eating well, eating healthier.   I've mentioned before that I am in LOVE with Green Giant's in-bag steam veggies.  I can throw a bag in the microwave for 5 minutes, have 4 servings of veggies with 1 serving of chicken and a little bit of shredded parmesan cheese.  I've stuffed the freezer with the veggie bags... sweet peas, sugar snap peas, red potatoes and green beans, broccoli and cheese...  all the meals weigh in at fewer than 500 calories and are plenty filling.


It's my new nightly ritual really... part of the new food regime.  Breakfast is my fiber bar (although I've switched to kellogg's Fiber Plus antioxidants... less sugar, fewer calories, same fiber content), lunch is whatever I feel like having for the day (although I typically rotate Panda Express... easy on the rice, my favorite Subway sandwich.. or occasionally a trip through wendy's if I'm having a fat craving).  But either way, I carefully maintain my limits for the day and sometimes that means lunch out and dinner at home, and I'm ok with that.


I would love to say Hey look, another pound lost, another 5!  I'd love to be sharing that my new small jeans finally fit.. or that I could even get into those new slacks that I was almost in last week...  but I'm not yet.  And I have discovered some kryptonite....


Eating with my family!!  I love them dearly but that homecooked feeling (even if it's takeout from Soleman's and not actually homecooking....) is hard to defeat!  I definitely overdid it last monday.  And although it was a lot less than I USED to eat still... it was too much.  And maybe part of that is probably nature and nurture issues... we as a family are great at excusing over-indulgence!  It was a holiday, it was just one day... and the good news is that with my new routine-- that's actually true for me now.  It was a one time, one day splurge.  My concern is that it felt out of control for me... on the heels of 6 weeks of very careful control.


I will say though that as a general principle I feel better.  Gain back aside, I've noticed a change in how I feel physically speaking.  After the concert last Saturday I fully expected to be sore, exhausted, feeling the same kind of pain and discomfort that typically follows any kind of physical exertion in my life.  I was both surprised and excited when I felt pretty good walking out to the car afterwards.  I was tired, absolutely.  I was sore.  But in some intangible way-- it wasn't the same as it once was.  And when I got up the next day I still had enough energy to hang in the pool, play some volleyball, cannonball, swim around.  And the next day, I had enough energy still to do some laps in the pool, to tread water all the way around the pool in loops.  And on Monday-- exhausted as I was... I still felt ...  ...  ... better.  Healthier.  More able, more capable.   Stronger.  I'm not ready to go out and walk around the lake every weekend.  Swimming is a lot lower impact that trotting around.  But, I am going to buy a new chair for my bedroom next week-- one that will allow me to use my cycle pedals finally!


So yes, it's a bit of a short blog this week.  I wish I had more exciting things to talk about.  But we all know this isn't an overnight sensation.  14 lb loss in a week and a half was kind of amazing.  It won't all be that dramatic.  But hopefully now I'm heading back in the right direction!


I'm looking forward to an excellent week... and I hope you have one too!


1 Screaming Skinny Girl... signing out.  See you next week!