Ok... back to blogging

So, it's been awhile.


     2 Months.. or so.  And I know, I know-- this was supposed to be an ongoing tracker for my weight loss journey.  So why nothing for the last 2 months?


    Well, partly because nothing has changed significantly since September.  I'm still at my 37 lb mark, still making good (well, better) decisions about the food I eat, and the portions I take.  I've relaxed a bit on my previous regimen, but will be picking it back up shortly-- as I'm frustrated by this 2-month stall.  I'm also starting to look at some options for exercise.


     One of the few joys I had towards the end of my high school days were participating at a Tae Kwon Do Studio, training my way towards my black belt.  I got as far as Camo decided when my mom stopped being able to afford the fees.  Part of my therapy homework this week (yes, I actually get homework!!) is to research and find out how much it would cost me to start up at a studio again.


     And I'm actually excited it about-- at least, part of me is.  The part of me that is ready to start MOVING is excited.  But the part of me that looks in the mirror and still sees... ... ... fat and flab and flesh-- not so much.   I know that's part of the work I have to do on the emotional side of this journey.


    I can recognize some of the weight loss by sight at this point.  I can feel the change in how my clothes fit, and sometimes... when I can stand to look in the mirror for more than the time it takes to ensure I'm not a complete mess-- I can see it in my face too.  Can even sometimes see it in the space I take up in the world-- or don't as the case may be.  But my body issues are not going to be solved just by eliminating the weight I carry with me.  There's a whole other piece of this journey that for the most part, I've stayed away from here.  I've touched on it, brushed over it-- but I've stopped short of really hashing through anything but the physical side of this.  I guess I should change that.  After all... only 3 people follow me here.. and 2 of them are family members.


   So why am I hesitating about returning to Tae Kwon Do?  Probably the same reason I don't join a health club and swim regularly, or go down to the lake and walk with my ipod on the weekends.  I don't want to be seen this way.  I spend every day of my life in this body, avoiding mirrors, super-conscious but constantly trying to ignore the way I look.  It goes a lot deeper than just not liking the way I look-- but for the moment it's as good a thing to talk about as any.


  I wasn't always fat.  I wasn't even always overweight.  But for as long as I can remember I have FELT that way.  I can still remember one day after my dad's parents departed from a visit-- I think I was in 4th grade.  Mom came to me and said that grandma had mentioned it looked like I'd gained quite a bit of weight that year.  And maybe I saw it before then, felt it before then... but that's a moment that I remember. 20+ years later I can remember that statement, remember how that made me feel.  And until recently-- it was actually my grandmother that I blamed for that.  But I realized this week that, along with a list of other issues, it's really my mom I should have been upset at.   My grandmother no doubt said it to her in a moment of familial concern, or even just... as a passing observation.  My mom is the one who decided it was something I needed to know about.


   What 4th grader needs to hear that?  What 8, 9 year old kid needs to hear that a relative thinks she's heavy, that she's gained weight, that it's a reason for concern?  The truth of the matter is (at the risk of TMI), that was also the year I started puberty- so yeah, I probably got a little chunked out that year.  If I remember correctly, I did carry a little extra pudge in 4th grade, but in 5th I slimmed back down again and stayed a relatively normal size for my age until high school when I did in fact, get fat.  But the truth is at that point, the emotional damage was done.  Maybe I did feel it before that conversation, maybe I did see my own body as something less than perfect before that moment.  But I can say with absolutely certainty that I never again felt like my body was my ally.


  I look back at photos from grade school, from 5th grade, and 6th.  I look at all those photos up until my junior year really and wish I could tell that girl how perfect she was.  How fit and attractive she was.  How confident and beautiful she should have felt.  Instead now I have the body that matches that girl's mind and I have to work backwards to try and fix BOTH problems.


  When I look in a mirror I see things that I guess other people don't see.  SuperTherapist is always trying to get me to tick off the things I'm grateful for about my body:  eyes that see, arms and legs that work, a good brain, skilled hands, ears that ear etc. etc.   And it's not that I'm not grateful to have a functioning body-- to have parts and pieces that work... it's just that surrounding all those pieces I see every unnecessary bite of food I've ever eaten.  I see an accumulation of fat and flab.  I see the ugliness that society associates with fat.  That I imagine people looking in associate with me.  


   I tend to stay close to home.  I don't really reach out, go out, unless I need something specifically-- or if a friend or loved one specifically invites me.  I don't like to be out, seen, having to push my way into a booth at a restaurant, having to excuse myself to walk between people in a crowd that someone "normal" sized could easily slip between.  The life of this body is a reluctantly and embarrassingly visible one-- and I try to minimize my own visibility when I can.  So we come back to Tae Kwon Do.  Back to walking, back to swimming, back to health clubs.  I am self-conscious about my size, my appearance on a daily basis just getting through my life.  The idea of taking myself into a Tae Kwon Do studio, to a gym... in a swimsuit to a pool to be around people who haven't spent half their lives carrying around 200 extra pounds-- is terrifying.  And maybe part of my insecurity is fed by my anxiety disorder.  Maybe the two issues feed each other (no pun intended).  But regardless of the underlying cause of my sincere and severe discomfort-- I am going to have to deal with it one way or another.  Keeping those 37 lbs off for 2 months is a great thing, but if I'm going to keep moving forward-- I have to start MOVING.




   Easy enough to say when I have an upper respiratory infection that makes it inadvisable to start walking around outside for exercise.  But this cough/cold thing I'm fighting-- does give me time to decide what I want to do.  When I first started all of this I said I would start exercising when I lost enough weight that I felt I physically COULD.    But now I'm at that point to be honest.  I'm at a point where my knees, my hips would allow me to begin at least a light-exercise program.  I already know what I need to do.  And I know that I can do it.  Now I just have to figure out how to do it.




  And to my cousin who is reading this and shouting RUNNING IS THE ANSWER!!  I think I'm a little ways from joining in the run... but maybe it is time to get out and walk around a little.  Isn't that why Apple created Ipods?