Week Whatever... If anyone remembers the count... fill me in!

    I wasn't really going to do a blog this week.  The truth is I'm working through so much stuff in therapy it's hard to come home and blog about it all over again at the end of each week.  Plus, a lot of it is stuff that I have no intention of airing on such a public forum.


    But a couple of things happened this week that I feel like are really worth talking about here, things I want to share.  Positives-- even.




   First of all, I've mentioned before that I call her the SuperTherapist for a reason.  I've been in therapy before without a huge measure of success, but this time, I feel like it's actually working.  Partly because things almost immediately got worse-- but that's supposed to be a sign of progress.  


   But I don't want to talk about how things got worse for a little bit (they are improving now... slowly but improving nonetheless), I want to talk about a few things that have really sort of boosted me this week.


#1:  I'm at 37 pounds lost.   I continue to take care in what I eat and how much.  I'm not as regimented as I had been when I first started, but part of that is because I'm finding it easier and easier to make healthy choices as a general rule.  I don't have to force myself to count calories, because I'm not gravitating towards the foods I used to be attracted to.


     It's not perfect, I still have moments when I find myself eating because I'm emotional.  I still have moments where I crave and buy a pint of Ben and Jerrys.... but instead of eating the whole thing-- by the time I'm 4 or 5 spoonfuls in.. I'm done.


     I'm not worrying about it as much anymore either, which also makes it easier.  Because it's hard to stick to something like this when its ALL you ever think about.  I'm letting my new healthier instincts take over and guide my choices.  And even though a part of me was upset that I'm beyond the 20 week mark, and not yet at the 40 pound mark... I'm still going DOWN.  And that's what matters.  I'm headed in the right direction.


    And... as if that wasn't proof enough-- I went shopping this week.  I've been having issues keeping my work pants up, and all my comfy sleep-in-them pants are too big too.  I'm still wearing size 4 and 5x shirts which I've been swimming in for some time now.


   So I went shopping, primarily because I wanted a new top for an event that I'll talk about in my last bullet-point.  I didn't end up with pants yet, but I did try on a TON of shirts.  And as it turns out, I really have lost some size.  99% of the things that fit me best yesterday were 3xs.  And not just-- they fit me, but I felt good in them, felt comfortable.  That's a major change for me, and a great one.


#2: I am FINALLY caught up at work.  Thanks to help from my coworkers who buckled down on some of my stuff with me Friday and Saturday, I will have my whole desk caught up by the end of the week probably.  That is such a relief, such a weight off my shoulders I don't even know how to describe it!


   I've been carrying work with me a lot lately.  Pretty much since summer started.  It's the main push that had me back in therapy.  Although now that I'm there, I do intend to stay in therapy for awhile.  Time to deal with all the stuff I hadn't dealt with.


   But anyway, now assuming things stay relatively calm so I can make these last few overdue calls, I can put work behind me for a bit, and stop carrying that stress with me all the time.


#3: My Godmother (or as her full title reads: Fairy God Mother (FGM for short)) had her 40th high school reunion this week, and while she sat on the reunion committee she suggested that I come to photograph the event.  They agreed, and I agreed, and on the 18th of September I photographed at my first official "gig."  Payment was just in the form of a new 16gb memory card (and whatever I can make offering CDs of the photos to the attendees), but the actual benefits were much richer.


    Photography is my passion.  It's pretty much my first love right now.  I recently set some serious goals for myself regarding my photography, since really-- I'd like to be able to live off of my art and not have to punch a clock every day.  But with the stress from work, and the blows to my self-esteem I've been dealing with from that, I really needed something to reinforce that I AM good enough to set, and meet those kinds of goals.


   Saturday night did it.  The shots aren't perfect, but they are GOOD.  The editing is good.  And the folks that have seen them so far are THRILLED (wait till they see the surprise that isn't even up yet!)  But the point of that is that when I got done editing today and got everything loaded and uploaded, I felt amazing.  I felt completely re-energized about my photography, about my own talents and skills and I enjoyed a confidence I haven't felt in a long long time.


  So that's where things are right now.  Still slowly but steadily losing weight, finally starting to put aside a lot of my stress from work, and rejuvenating this passion.


   Things aren't perfect.  I'm not perfect.  I probably never will be.  But for the first time in awhile, I feel BETTER.  I feel lighter, physically and emotionally.  I'm still struggling with my anxiety.. a lot.  I'm still having trouble sleeping.  I'm still trying to fight all of the damage and trauma and pain that I had stuffed down for so many years... but in this moment, right now-- I feel like there's a light at the end of all of my many tunnels-- and it's not a train.