Week Twelve Ends, Week Thirteen Begins

   If you asked me what stress looked like I'd show you a couple different things... 

The first would be my face... and the bags under my eyes.  Of course that would require a photo which I think we all know isn't going to show up here until I lose another 25 pounds.

The second would be this:

   See July 10th?  That's stress.  That is almost a 4,000 calorie day.  And yeah, I'm completely ashamed.  However, in the interest of being honest, as I have promised to be not just to myself but here in the public-ish forum.  So... July 10th was stress.  It was almost a month of sheer stress that backed up on me.  Now, the good news is that I did pretty well the rest of the week, and actually on Sunday I was way under my maximum so it does make up for it a little bit.  But I'm still disappointed that I went so far overboard.  

   I know that the trick is to focus on my successes, not my failures... but this has been a harder than average week fro me for some reason.  I suppose part of it is that I'm just so tired, and so stressed that my resolve has been -- well... weakening.


   I recovered, as evidenced by the rest of the week's intakes.  It doesn't help that all that face-stuffing concides (or caused more likely) my first real gain-back of weight.  Ok, so it's about a net gain of 2 pounds, but still... frustrating to put it mildly.


  I'm not giving up though.  Re-focusing: yes.   Re-prioritizing: yes.  Re-evaluating: yes.  Giving up: No.


   Hello rough spot-- I knew we'd meet eventually. And I'm sure we'll meet again.


   So now what?  Back to healthy living.  Back to subway lunches, chicken and veggie dinners... and splurges as an occasional treat (but no more 3900 calorie ones at ANY point).


   And yes, therapy.  Another voicemail has been left.  I'll connect with her eventually-- in the meantime, I think it's getting on time to see that doctor.  Thyroid check, hormone check, blood sugar, cholesterol... blah blah blah.  Those of you that know me well can probably tell my level of dedication to this whole venture by the sheer fact that I'm even WILLING to go to a doctor.  No offense to those practicing the profession, but I can't stand doctors.  They make me nervous, uncomfortable, and generally unhappy.  Although my local CareNow office does employ one that I find less deplorable than any other I've been too-- I actually kind of like him.


   I think my beef with doctors is actually more about the way they treat me (not in the sense of treating my ills, but the way they treat me as a person) than it is about not liking tests, or needles, or any of that jazz.  I think the other fat girls will probably back me up on this.. and bear with me-- because it's rant time:


   I've been to... um... a few doctors in my time.  Although I've seen fewer in the last few years than I did when I was younger and better insured, I've bounced between CareNow and other urgent-care type facilities over the last 10 years or so, and what I've found is that you get very little respect as a fat person.  In fact, I've dealt with some physicians who were actually rude.   I've had a doctor try to refuse to prescribe medication because I wouldn't allow her nurse to weigh me.   I know that my weight does have an affect on how much medication is needed, but I had not gained a significant amount since my previous weigh in and I felt that it was not medically necessary to do so in that visit. When I tried to explain that (at the time) being weighed had some kind of severe consequences involving anxiety and panic attacks, she finally acquiesced, but not before a lecture regarding my weight and its impact on my health.  She soapboxed for quite awhile while running a flu test that I had not actually asked for.


   I went in for flu-like symptoms, and my godmother/ roommate had been diagnosed with the flu a day or two earlier.  When the test (a $55 test by the way) came back negative for flu, she prescribed the SAME drugs she would have if it had come back positive.  Of course, because I was out the $55 for the flu test I didn't ask for that didn't affect her course of treatment-- I couldn't afford the drugs the prescribed to treat my flu-exposure.  Unfortunately, she was so busy trying to "treat" my weight problem that she didn't bother to listen when I explained that my funds were very limited and I was uninsured (and at the time, minimally employed).


   That's not a foreign scenario, and I'm willing to bet a lot of other overweight men and women can relate to that.  There are a lot of doctors, nurses, professionals... people in general-- who assume that because a person is overweight, they are stupid, incompetent, or generally ignorant about the impact that excess weight has on their health.  It's probably similar to the flack that smoker's get about smoking being bad for their health.   Want to make a quick enemy?  Tell a smoker how bad it is for their health.  Trust me, they've heard it-- and from people who care much more than you do.


   I have never denied my part in my weight gain.  It's not something that happened to me overnight, and it's not something that is stritcly a result of bad genes, bad environment, bad example.  No one forced me to shove food in my mouth.  Might there be a biological, hormonal, or chemical factor in my weight gain-- yes I believe there probably is.  But much like a smoker who is addicted and doesn't choose to quit-- I am not ignorant to the affect the excess weight has on my health.  Just because I allowed myself to get to this point, does NOT mean I don't understand the consequences.  Treating me like an imbecile because I am overweight does not inspire the necessary confidence for me to trust you to help me with that problem.


   And then I found Dr. F.  My local CareNow has a few different practitioners... but Dr. F is by far my favorite.  To whit, I've seen him probably the last 3-5 times I've been ill, and since I'm not typically a repeat customer ...  that's really saying something.  One of the things I particularly like is that he does NOT talk about my weight.  He knows to take my blood pressure at the beginning and END of our appointments, particularly after I explained my doctor-anxiety, and most of the time I'm pretty close to normal by the end of the appointment, even if I was high on the blood pressure scale at the beginning.  He allows me to come in without being weighed (in fact, the last time the nurse didn't even ask me about it, so I have to assume he actually put a note in my chart).   I am comfortable enough with him that a couple of appointments ago I actually broached the subject of my weight.  I asked about surgery, about some options... but at the time I really wasn't ready to make the changes I needed to make, and I was honest with him about that.  To my relief he listened intently, offered some opinions, but didn't push, and didn't judge either.  He was very understanding, and treated me with respect.  It was refreshing and encouraging... and it's one of the reasons I keep going back.


   Now, I'm not sure if ti works to have your primary physician be the guy at CareNow... but I'm going to ask-- because in my book Dr. F is worth about 100 GPs in private practice.  I trust him, respect him, and I feel that in addition to having my best interests at heart, he understands the value of the pace at which I approach things.   I also think he may drop dead when I go in next, agree to be weighed, and start talking testing for all the myriad of weight-related issues I've so vociferously declined before.  We'll see. 


   And to balance out my nearly 4,000 calorie day, I ended my week with a vicious migraine that I fought for 4 days before succumbing.  Because I spent most of the day in bed nauseated from my light sensitivity(and not at work as I would have preferred), I ate nothing... until about 6pm... at which point my godmother came home with a bunch of grapes.  So, I decided to look at it as an opportunity to detox.  Since all I'd had during the day was some vitamin water zero and excedrin, I cleaned things out with a generous helping of grapes, and besides still having a slightly sore head, I felt fairly well refreshed by the end of the night.  It seemed like a good way to finish the week, and clear my palate (so to speak) for the next one.  


   So now the real trick is keeping up the excedrin until my semi-yearly migraine gives up and goes away.  And then to start the new week fresh, with renewed resolve and determination.  This week had a set-back.  So what?   The important thing is not to let it stop me.  Setbacks are part of the process....


   Unfortunately so are migraines... and mine needs another dose of excedrin.  See you next week.

__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__

  Saturday Morning good news, last minute  update...  I managed to shed off those extra pounds.. sitting pretty back at a 25lb loss and ready to take on the new week!

Week Eleven Ends, Week Twelve Begins

   Well,  it's official.  I have lost 25 lbs.  I don't have a lot to report this week.  It was a fairly ordinary week, although I have noticed some serious cravings for the first time since I started this journey.  That's not to say that I haven't -wanted- certain foods, but this week... craving definitely joined the fray for the first time. And in truth, I have indulged in some of those cravings-- but have managed to balance them (mostly) within my budgeted ranges.  I was over my calories 2 days this week (once was an accident) but both times I was over by fewer than 200 calories, and on Sunday I spent a good chunk of my day swimming which knocked my net caloric intake waaaay down.  Thank heavens for exercise.


   I worked less.


   But I worried more.


   It seems my stress may be inversely linked to the number of hours I actually spend working.  The fewer hours I spend working, the more time and energy I spend stressing out about work.  It's not a great ratio... but I'm working on it.  I put a call in to a therapist this week.  She called back while I was working.  I  haven't tried again yet.  I will, Monday.


   I know I need to, particularly with this new craving situation rearing up.  I don't want to blow the progress I've made because of some stress.  I've done pretty well... great actually and the thought of throwing it all away because I'm having stress cravings actually  makes me feel kind of ill.


  So what did I achieve this week?


   I made three graduation cards and gifts in 5 hours.  I went to a party outside my standard party grouping... and had a great time.  And ... I even let my picture be taken.  I wasn't thrilled about it, but for a friend I haven't seen in ages... I let it roll.  I even peeked at it afterwards and didn't completely hate it.  I still look fat... but not as fat as I looked 25 pounds ago.


   Now, friends and family-- don't start thinking I'm ready to be in pictures... this was a one-time exception! I've already told quite a few of you... no pictures until I hit the 50lb mark... and I mean to stick to that.  But look-- I'm halfway there so how amazing is that?


   It is kind of cool if you think about it.  My initial "goal" was to lose 200 lbs.  I am 1/8th of the way there. At 11 weeks and 25 pounds lost, I am still averaging a loss of just over 2lbs a week, which is about the max healthy loss encouraged in the literature and articles that I've read (don't ask me to reference them, I'm too lazy.)  If I can keep that up, I will lose the 200 lbs in 20 months... just shy of 2 years.  That means that by my 30th I will have lost approx. 135 lbs, putting me at (for the first time since... High school I think) fewer than 250 lbs.  Amazing.  


   Now, I'm a realist, and I realize that 2 things are going to happen inevitably: 
1. When I'm finally able to add exercise those numbers could speed up for a little while.
2. At some point, it will also slow down as my body adjusts and tableaus here and there.


  My hope is that on average I can maintain a 2lb a week loss.  Right now I'm actually averaging about 2lbs and a quarter.  Which is very cool.  I just have to stay on track and keep it up.  The other thing to keep in mind is that once I AM able to start really exercising (and regularly) I'll start losing fat and building muscle (which weighs more).  That's a mental adjustment I'm going to have to make when the time comes as well. Realizing that just because the numbers may not be going down as steadily, doesn't mean I'm not making progress.  But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. 


  As far as my goals go, 200 lbs was sort of an easy blanket goal.  Losing 200 lbs from where I started would put me at 167lbs.   The thing to keep in mind is that as heavy and as big as I have been, I will probably have to start dealing with excess skin issues before I even lose the whole 200.  Hopefully being able to exercise more will help tighten not just some of my musculature, but also help me firm up certain areas as well, although I realize there's not much exercise can do for flabby skin.  But... losing weight slowly and steadily can help as well, and doing it before age starts to take a serious toll on my skin's elasticity will too.


   I did some digging and found some great tips to help keep my skin bouncing back as I go through the process... 


   From allwomenstalk.com some super sensible tips to help your skin from becoming an issue during weight loss:

"First of all, you should not lose weight quickly …

   One of the main reasons as to why people end up with that badly sagging skin is because they shed those pounds too quickly. When you lose more than three pounds each week, it is not healthy at all. It will cause your skin to lose that elasticity faster and make it difficult for it to spring back into shape. Whenever you plan to lose weight, you should plan on losing around two pounds each week. This is not only healthier for your skin, but it is likely for it to stay off longer.

Use moisturizer each day …

   Moisturizer will add up to seventy percent of moisturizer to your skin. When you are losing weight, it is great to use a moisturizer as it will help to maintain that elasticity as your body is shrinking. Cover your body in heavy moisturizer each night before you go to bed.

Use Loofah or a body scrub that really works …Scrub your skin 3 times a week
   When you scrub away that surface, you will be causing that skin underneath to generate faster.

Drink a lot of water …

   There is a lot of studies showing that you should drink at least eight glasses of water every day. Why? In order to keep that moisture in your skin. Apart from this, the water is also going to flush those toxins out of your system. It will give your skin that healthy feel and look.

Exercise as much as possible …

   When we talk about exercise, we are talking about sit ups, push-ups, running and anything else you can think of. When you are exercising, you will be building those muscles up. This will plump up your skin from the inside and give it that tighter appearance. When you exercise, you will be making sure you will not gain all the weight back that you just tried so hard to lose.

Massage your skin …

   You may not believe this, but massaging the skin helps to build that elasticity back up. You should use mustard oil in order to get the best results. That daily massage will also help your muscles develop. In mustard oil, you will find that there are many medicinal properties in it that will help you to have healthy and glowing skin."

   You can read the full article :HERE: and it contains a lot of common sense information I've seen in many related articles and sites.    The point is, I may be able to maintain a lot of that issue on my own. Now that I've forged ahead with all this in a non-surgical fashion, I'd really like to be able to accomplish all of it that way.  Keeping the elasticity of my skin throughout the process will help with that.

   So that's this weeks notes.  Nothing terrifically exciting (ok, 25 lbs is kind of terrifically exciting!), and now it's on to week 12, at the end of which is the 3 month mark.  I had hoped to be at a full 30 lbs lost by then, but that's ok.  A 2lb average loss per week is healthy and encouraging... and I'm good with that.  

Week Ten Ends, Week Eleven Begins

Well, I've learned a few things this week... actually, as of this morning even.


   I've been stressed.  I already mentioned that of course.  But this morning I realized, while talking with my boss about the fact that I have completely unrealistically high expectations for myself, that a big part of my stress is probably because of my weight loss.




   No, follow me here.


   You are looking at a girl who spent 15 years (more really) finding comfort in food.  Food was my coping mechanism.  When I was upset, sad, angry, stressed (especially stressed)... I ate.  Ice cream, sugar, fatty foods, comfort foods.  Mac N Cheese, fried chicken, steak, loaded mashed potatoes, the fattier, the more sugar, the more salt, the more calories... the better.


   And I wallowed in that.  I buried my emotions in food.


   But with the changes I've made, I don't do that anymore.  At all.  Seriously.  I'm not denying that the occasional pint of ice cream finds its way into my belly... BUT I budget calories for it.. it's not just a fly-by-night whim that I indulge because I'm having a bad day.


   And the truth is, any emotional eater will tell you there is something distinctly comforting about scarfing sugar-laden, fatty foods (secretly of course) on TOP of whatever you already ate during the day.  Now, granted as a recovering emotional eater, I can also say it's a bit disturbing too, but the point is there is comfort in those foods.  So here I am, 2 and a half months in and am rolling through my days without my #1 source of comfort.  


   Add to that the hormonal issues of the fact that my body and chemistry which is used to filtering chemicals and hormones through 367 pounds, is now filtering all of it through only 344 pounds (oh yeah, I'm at 23 pounds lost now... woot!).  That's going to lead to some re-organization... internally.   In other words... I'm a MESS.  I'm emotional and moody.  I'm exhausted.  And on top of that I'm at a (relatively) new job, learning a whole new skill set... and encountering the busiest season that company has seen in some time.  It's a lot to process without my fatty food security blanket.  


   So where does that leave me?


   Well, I haven't figured that out yet.  The thing is throughout this process there are going to be a lot of adjustments.  Not just in my diet, in my wardrobe, in my own perceptions-- but even in the way I approach my world from an emotional standpoint.  For the last year (maybe even 2), I have been in a really excellent place emotionally.  Feeling confident, and strong, and really finally feeling like my life is on a path that I've chosen, rather than one I've been forced onto.  But for that last year (or two) I've also still allowed myself to use food as a comfort.    And maybe part of the reason I finally realized I'm ready to put that behind me is because I finally feel strong enough to be truly healthy in ways that I don't think I have ever been-- at least not for as long as I can remember.   


   I think the thing I need to hold onto as I navigate through all of this is that I am strong enough for these challenges.  And yes, that means I will have to find some other way to handle my stress that doesn't involve food.  I have no idea what that is going to be.  I don't even know where to begin.  Before food (or while I was using food for many years) I was also a self-injurer.  That was my other coping mechanism.  I've been self-injury free for almost 4 years now... and probably the reason I got to the size I am is that I filled the coping void that not self-injuring left...  with food.   So now I have to re-evaluate again.  I have to come up with some healthy ways to deal with my stress, with my emotions, with my insecurities.  Part of the problem with that though, is that my life has been anything but normal.  I have no clue what normal people do to cope with stuff.  Drink?  Although I do have a lovely bottle of Patron Silver in the fridge, I'd like not to make that a habit.  Besides, despite enjoying tequila more than your average person-- I'd rather make it a treat than a routine, and it's a bit impractical in the middle of the day during a crisis regardless.


   Basically now, it's time to evaluate and gather some knowledge and resources.  I need to figure out how to deal.  Because this is not going to be a short process.  From start to finish I have at least 200 pounds to lose.  That doesn't happen overnight-- especially since I'm hoping to do this without surgery.  There is a lot of learning to do in this process, and while a lot of it I can do on my own or with the help of a physician, the emotional stuff is going to require a different approach.  


  Therapy?  Maybe.  But aside from a brief foray into group therapy in my late teens, I've never really had much success with therapy.  Of course I'm a very different person now... so maybe therapy would be a different experience now too.  




  For now, I'm going to focus on my successes, both personal and professional.  I'm going to focus on my achievements.  I'm going to focus on how far I've come in the last couple of years, in the last few months.  I'm going to focus on the person I've finally started to understand and appreciate...




Me.

Week Nine Ends, Week 10 Begins

Ok... so that last entry... was the good stuff.  But to be fair it wasn't all flowers and puppies these last 2 weeks.

   I had some pain and frustration too, some of it weight related, and some of it not. I mentioned that this is our busy season at work... our CRAZY busy season.  Serious stress and a lot of wicked weird hours spent working... at work AND at home.  Yes, remote access...  straddling the line between blessing and curse since the invention of remote networking.  And because of the constant stress, I'm revisiting some of my natural anxieties, and finding that my threshold for my own personal dysfunctions is minimal at best.

   The point is, although the weight stuff as a process has been as painless as it's ever been, my self-consciousness about my weight is at an all-time high.  I have always been self-conscious about my size... it's something I should be used to.  But it feels like lately it's worse than ever.  

   I was talking to a friend about some of the things I'll do once I lose the weight, and I realized how much of myself I put on a shelf because I'm embarrassed about how I look.  I feel like the more weight I lose... the more self-conscious I get-- which is so counter-productive in so many ways.

   Part of my drive to lose weight is because I want to be able to live a different kind of life than the hermitude I've been living for so many years.  But even with that drive I am still so reluctant to break free in so many ways.  My boss asked me the other day if I'd lost weight.  Which was nice, for a couple of reasons-- but primarily because even though she knows I've been trying, I know she wouldn't have asked if it wasn't noticeable.  And I was so excited about that.  But then of course I look in the mirror and I still see this fat suit that I carry around with me and I'm discouraged that it's not happening faster.


   I'm still at 21.6 lbs by the way.  Yup.  Stuck.  Already.  But past experience from the last 2 months has shown that those numbers WILL change.  And if I keep doing what I've been doing-- they will start going back down again.


   I am so aware though, of my presence in the spaces I inhabit.  So aware of my many chins, my flabby arms, my giant thighs.  I am aware of the fact that my stomach is in the way of everything I try to do, and that my knees and hips ache with even the slightest movement above and beyond what is required to get through my day.


   And even though I'm long over feeling fat on the inside... I am painfully, screamingly aware of the fat that I still carry around every single day.  Since I'm feeling insecure and exposed anyway.. here's a little bit of what's been in my head this week...  (hey, I promised you honesty... so here's honest).  I've been dwelling on some old issues... feeling like I'm not good enough, that I won't be good enough.  That I just won't be ... enough.  Feeling insignificant and unwelcome.  At the same time in some places I feel like the center of attention, as though everyone is staring at me, judging my body.  These are things that I banished (or thought I'd banished) long ago.  I'm a person who claims not to care what others think of me-- or at least what they think of my looks.  And yet, after a FABULOUS haircut yesterday... I still can't stand having  a picture taken-- because said fabulous haircut?  Is still attached to my fat face.


   I know these things will change, not just physically, but emotionally.  I have banished these insecurities before and I will do again.  As I said earlier, I think a lot of the negative thought is coming on the heels of my work stress.  My last job (while the ending was less than ideal) afforded me a lot of confidence.  I was good at it, I knew what I was doing, and I enjoyed it on a daily basis.  It gave me the space to build myself up from the inside out.  And while I like this job too-- it's not something that I feel super confident about yet-- I'm still too new.  And the pressure of it on a daily basis... well fighting that takes all the energy I used to use to bolster my own self-esteem. What does that mean exactly?  It means that for the first time since I started this venture I'm tempted to use food as an emotional tool rather than a physical one.


  So far, I've managed to fight that.  Mostly.  I'm giving in to more fatty foods, but still balancing them within my day and week so that I'm not going over my daily maximums.  But where I was coming in well under my maximums before... now I'm more like.. butting up against them.  Another side-effect... I keep forgetting to weigh myself in the mornings.  Something I was doing religiously for 8 weeks, this last week specifically- I've forgotten 3 out of the last 7 days to get on the scale.  Part of that I think is because I'm getting up earlier, not sleeping well, and heading into work instead of taking the usual 15-20 minutes of relax-time that I used to.  But part of it is I'm also sort of afraid of the scale again.  Not because I think it will have gone back up... I don't.  I know that I'm still doing well enough with my food that I shouldn't re-gain the weight I've lost... at least not significantly.  But I am afraid of the stagnation.  I'm afraid to see the same number 2 days in a row, or 3... or 5.  Afraid to see the same number for a week.


   I've lost a net of 21.6 pounds and I'm not ready for that plateau.  Because how sad would that be?  I know that part of it is that I need to start adding actual exercise to this equation... but my body is making that so difficult.


   We went to see Wicked the other night at Dallas Music Hall... and at the 2 minute warning towards the end of intermission, I found myself still in the bowels of the building, having just exited the bathroom lobbies.  To get to my seat on time I found myself rushing, jogging through the lobbies, and sprinting up the stairs.  By the time I got back to my friends I was mortified-- gasping loudly for breath, and nursing biting pains in my right knee.  Just one of the many times I've been horrifyingly self-aware of what I lug around.  And I'm still put-out emotionally by the experience... still disappointed at my body's response.  Although I'm used to my lack of fitness, used to seeing someone I don't recognize in the mirror, it's been awhile since I've felt that so acutely.  Embarrassed isn't even the word.  Fortunately, I was with dear friends who know and love me and have never once made me feel as though my weight mattered one fig to them.


   They asked if I was alright, allowed me to catch my breath, and one was even kind enough to allow me a sip of her drink.  I can still feel that sensation though- the horror of feeling watched, every jiggle of ever bit of fat, the sharp pains in my knee as I clambered up the steps... and the flush of embarrassment, and the crashing of my chest... trying desperately to get enough air.


   I hate that life.  I hate that body.  The one that isn't me.  As disconnected as I feel from that physicality, I'm still so attached to the emotional negativity that comes with it.  It's such a contrast to what I want to be, what I want to feel.


   Lately, I've been getting into the burlesque circuit down here in Dallas.  Since we started going to shows I am ceaselessly amazed at how confident these women are.  There are girls of all shapes and sizes (some even larger than I am) who get on stage and undress to cheers and applause and riotous support from the audience.  The women, particularly the big girls are beautiful, and fiery, and confident, and are just as popular (if not often more so!) than their thinner counterparts.  I never cease to be amazed as they shake what they've got and crowds go wild.  And although I don't cast any aspersions on women of any variety who find their power in shakin booty and stripping their gloves off (among other things)--  I wish I could tap into their brains and understand.  How.    How?    HOW!


   With the exception of my most recent bout of self-doubt, I'd consider myself a fairly confident person, and fairly comfortable with myself and how I exist in physical space.  But these women defy every iota of doubt I have about my own appearance.  And I wish that I could leech that essence.  I wish that I could be that comfortable with my appearance.. with my fat, and cottage cheese thighs, with my dangling "helens" on my upper arms, with my fat stomach and sagging chest.  I don't want to be a burlesque dancer-- don't get me wrong.  What I want is to be so comfortable with all of those things that I COULD get up and dance (assuming I could actually dance.. which I can't).  


   I know that losing all this weight is not going to magically make me comfortable in my skin.  That's something I'm going to have to continue working on throughout this process.  I guess this is just the week where I start mucking through some of my emotional baggage.  As mom always said... "this too shall pass."  I know I will work through all of this.  I know that in the end I will be a better, healthier, more confident, more fit person... inside and out.


   But right now... I kind of want some ice cream.




   Too bad I didn't save enough calories for that.  Instead, I'm chewing on my fiber supplement gummies and taking my decidedly still-fat ass... to bed.

Week Eight Ends, Week Nine Begins... 2 Months Complete

   Well... this weekend marked a major milestone.   I've been working on this little personal project (if you will) for a full 2 months.  In that time I have (as of yesterday... the 2 month mark to the day) lost 21.6 pounds.


   Now, it's not a monumental amount, especially when you consider that I have about 200 more to lose.  But for someone who's biggest loss in the last 5 years was probably all of about 10 pounds, and purely accidental... 21.6 in 8 weeks is nothing to sneeze at!


   From day one it's been very up and down.  I'll lose a few pounds at a time.. then gain back 1, lose 3, gain 4.  Up and down and up and down... which does get a little frustrating... but I think that's more a hazard of the fact that I weigh myself daily, rather than say-- once a week.

   Of course, as my weight goes down-- my maximum calorie goal goes down as well.  I try very hard to stick with whatever the lowest level I've hit is and stick with that.  So that even if my weight goes back up 2 pounds, I'll still keep the calorie goal from the lower weight.  That way I can ensure I'm setting myself up to continue losing... and not to just-- stall in place.


   I'm keeping my routines, and continuing to pare down my splurges.


   The honest truth is... this week has a been more difficult than most.  Not necessarily on the weight-loss or food front... but as a general principle.  At work this is our busy season-- the time of year when people relocate like crazy.. .needing to ship their cars and execute relocations while school is out for the summer.  Thanks to the economic upturn, business this year is booming-- but it makes for an extremely busy and extremely stressful workplace!  Lunches are grabbed at best while working, and by the time I get home at night even if I AM hungry, I certainly don't have the energy to go out for food much less cook anything myself.


  One change I am glad of (although I'm particularly surprised by it) is my body's reaction to stress-- at least where hunger is concerned.  It used to be stress made me hungry.. starved.  I medicated my stress with food, full of fat and sugar and salt, I used it to numb my stresses away.  Now I find myself having to be reminded to eat.  And truthfully even if I remember... I find that I'm really not hungry, at least not the way I used to be.  I think the thing that struck me the most was Friday night.


   I returned home from the last of 4 11.5 hour days at work and found that, as usual after work this week-- I really wan't terribly hungry.  Until about 10pm.  At which point I almost considered not eating at all since I needed to head to bed and be at work again at 8am on Saturday.   And I sat at my desk-- angry and frustrated, for the first time since I began this process... angry and frustrated about food!  In my old life, at 10pm I would have thrown on some sandals, and headed to whatever fast food joint was still open.


  But as I sat on Friday night-- trying to decide what to do I fumed that I couldn't just run to McDonalds and get food.  I was angry because I hadn't had time to shop and my quick-dinner options at home were so limited.  But even as I was fuming about not having something quick to eat-- it never once occurred to me to go out and GET food the way I would have before.  To my mind, all the fast food joints in the county might as well have been closed.  It simply wasn't an option.


   I ended up heating up some ramen noodles with a smidge of parmesan cheese.  But once again I had occasion to be amazed at the change in my whole thought process about food.  The old ways just aren't an option anymore.


   I did concede to one old way today.  I bought a pint of ice cream... and ate the whoooole thing.  But I opted for something other than my favorite Ben and Jerry's.  Choosing one with 1/2 the calories from a different brand.  Even when I splurge I still can't quite let go fo the new ways...  




   And thank God for that.   As frustrated as I was on Friday night, hungry and tired and unwilling to go back to how it used to be even for a moment-- even with all that... I don't miss the way it used to be-- not for an instant.

Week Seven Ends, Week 8 Begins

There's no real post this week.  No earth-shattering reason except that it's busy season at my day job and between that and a sickly kitten addition to our household... I haven't had time to sit and collect my thoughts for this little mental exercise.


So here's a quick synopsis:


I've conquered eating with my family.  :w00t:  Including eating with my family at Saltgrass!


Also, (thanks in small part to a 24 hour stomach bug) I lost 5.6+ pounds this week.  Which puts me at a total loss of 19.4 lbs since day one.  Yeah, almost 20 lbs in 7 weeks.


Oh, and I bought a pair of size 28 petite jeans today.   Big girls, if you've never shopped there, check out cjbanks.com  much more tailored looking clothes for sizes 14+.  Online sizes up to 32w in some styles.


Prices comparable to Lane Bryant or Catherines, and I was lucky enough to find a store nearby where I could go try on jeans.  The store experience was WONDERFUL.  Normally I am wary of plus-girl stores staffed by skinny-minnies, but the Stick of a Girl that helped me in the store today was incredibly kind, and was able to help me without a single trace of judgement.  


She went the extra mile to try and find some jeans in size 28 (knowing there weren't many jeans in ANY size left at this point in the year).  Then she helped me shop online right from the store for an additional pair to ship to me for free.


Signed me up for their frequent buyer program, and was super helpful about doing the in-store online purchase too.


So, I WILL fill this in with an actual post (hopefully) this week.  In the meantime-- remember to always celebrate your small victories because they're all part of the bigger picture.




So yay!  Size 28 petite jeans that fit!  And a 7-week, almost 20 pound loss.  If I can replicate that 10 times... I'll be almost where I need to end up.  And if not, at least I can keep that momentum going and work my way towards where I want to be.

Week Six Ends, Week Seven Begins

Well, I knew it would happen eventually- but it was a bit frustrating to get on the scale on Monday and see that the numbers had inched ever so slightly back up.


No, I didn't get my final pound to make my loss an even fifteen.  And although I've now lost most of the 4 lbs I gained back... it's hard to describe how emotional it was to see that I had gained back weight.  It was particularly frustrating because I actually got a ton of exercise over the weekend!  Saturday night there was a concert-- lots of dancing, darting around to get pictures, moving and grooving.  Sunday I spent the day in and out of the pool most of the day, and Monday as well.  So to watch that scale crawl back up... was actually sort of devastating.


And my friends and loved ones encouraged me, told me not to give up... tried to convince me that all I'd really done was start building muscle.  And maybe that would be true if I'd started working out regularly... but 3 days of moderate exercise does not muscle-weight gain.  Not significantly at least I don't think.   Not 4 pounds worth of muscle-- as lovely as it would be to believe.


But I did love their support-- and I haven't given up!  I'm still tracking every bite, still eating well, eating healthier.   I've mentioned before that I am in LOVE with Green Giant's in-bag steam veggies.  I can throw a bag in the microwave for 5 minutes, have 4 servings of veggies with 1 serving of chicken and a little bit of shredded parmesan cheese.  I've stuffed the freezer with the veggie bags... sweet peas, sugar snap peas, red potatoes and green beans, broccoli and cheese...  all the meals weigh in at fewer than 500 calories and are plenty filling.


It's my new nightly ritual really... part of the new food regime.  Breakfast is my fiber bar (although I've switched to kellogg's Fiber Plus antioxidants... less sugar, fewer calories, same fiber content), lunch is whatever I feel like having for the day (although I typically rotate Panda Express... easy on the rice, my favorite Subway sandwich.. or occasionally a trip through wendy's if I'm having a fat craving).  But either way, I carefully maintain my limits for the day and sometimes that means lunch out and dinner at home, and I'm ok with that.


I would love to say Hey look, another pound lost, another 5!  I'd love to be sharing that my new small jeans finally fit.. or that I could even get into those new slacks that I was almost in last week...  but I'm not yet.  And I have discovered some kryptonite....


Eating with my family!!  I love them dearly but that homecooked feeling (even if it's takeout from Soleman's and not actually homecooking....) is hard to defeat!  I definitely overdid it last monday.  And although it was a lot less than I USED to eat still... it was too much.  And maybe part of that is probably nature and nurture issues... we as a family are great at excusing over-indulgence!  It was a holiday, it was just one day... and the good news is that with my new routine-- that's actually true for me now.  It was a one time, one day splurge.  My concern is that it felt out of control for me... on the heels of 6 weeks of very careful control.


I will say though that as a general principle I feel better.  Gain back aside, I've noticed a change in how I feel physically speaking.  After the concert last Saturday I fully expected to be sore, exhausted, feeling the same kind of pain and discomfort that typically follows any kind of physical exertion in my life.  I was both surprised and excited when I felt pretty good walking out to the car afterwards.  I was tired, absolutely.  I was sore.  But in some intangible way-- it wasn't the same as it once was.  And when I got up the next day I still had enough energy to hang in the pool, play some volleyball, cannonball, swim around.  And the next day, I had enough energy still to do some laps in the pool, to tread water all the way around the pool in loops.  And on Monday-- exhausted as I was... I still felt ...  ...  ... better.  Healthier.  More able, more capable.   Stronger.  I'm not ready to go out and walk around the lake every weekend.  Swimming is a lot lower impact that trotting around.  But, I am going to buy a new chair for my bedroom next week-- one that will allow me to use my cycle pedals finally!


So yes, it's a bit of a short blog this week.  I wish I had more exciting things to talk about.  But we all know this isn't an overnight sensation.  14 lb loss in a week and a half was kind of amazing.  It won't all be that dramatic.  But hopefully now I'm heading back in the right direction!


I'm looking forward to an excellent week... and I hope you have one too!


1 Screaming Skinny Girl... signing out.  See you next week!