The first would be my face... and the bags under my eyes. Of course that would require a photo which I think we all know isn't going to show up here until I lose another 25 pounds.
The second would be this:
See July 10th? That's stress. That is almost a 4,000 calorie day. And yeah, I'm completely ashamed. However, in the interest of being honest, as I have promised to be not just to myself but here in the public-ish forum. So... July 10th was stress. It was almost a month of sheer stress that backed up on me. Now, the good news is that I did pretty well the rest of the week, and actually on Sunday I was way under my maximum so it does make up for it a little bit. But I'm still disappointed that I went so far overboard.
I know that the trick is to focus on my successes, not my failures... but this has been a harder than average week fro me for some reason. I suppose part of it is that I'm just so tired, and so stressed that my resolve has been -- well... weakening.
I recovered, as evidenced by the rest of the week's intakes. It doesn't help that all that face-stuffing concides (or caused more likely) my first real gain-back of weight. Ok, so it's about a net gain of 2 pounds, but still... frustrating to put it mildly.
I'm not giving up though. Re-focusing: yes. Re-prioritizing: yes. Re-evaluating: yes. Giving up: No.
Hello rough spot-- I knew we'd meet eventually. And I'm sure we'll meet again.
So now what? Back to healthy living. Back to subway lunches, chicken and veggie dinners... and splurges as an occasional treat (but no more 3900 calorie ones at ANY point).
And yes, therapy. Another voicemail has been left. I'll connect with her eventually-- in the meantime, I think it's getting on time to see that doctor. Thyroid check, hormone check, blood sugar, cholesterol... blah blah blah. Those of you that know me well can probably tell my level of dedication to this whole venture by the sheer fact that I'm even WILLING to go to a doctor. No offense to those practicing the profession, but I can't stand doctors. They make me nervous, uncomfortable, and generally unhappy. Although my local CareNow office does employ one that I find less deplorable than any other I've been too-- I actually kind of like him.
I think my beef with doctors is actually more about the way they treat me (not in the sense of treating my ills, but the way they treat me as a person) than it is about not liking tests, or needles, or any of that jazz. I think the other fat girls will probably back me up on this.. and bear with me-- because it's rant time:
I've been to... um... a few doctors in my time. Although I've seen fewer in the last few years than I did when I was younger and better insured, I've bounced between CareNow and other urgent-care type facilities over the last 10 years or so, and what I've found is that you get very little respect as a fat person. In fact, I've dealt with some physicians who were actually rude. I've had a doctor try to refuse to prescribe medication because I wouldn't allow her nurse to weigh me. I know that my weight does have an affect on how much medication is needed, but I had not gained a significant amount since my previous weigh in and I felt that it was not medically necessary to do so in that visit. When I tried to explain that (at the time) being weighed had some kind of severe consequences involving anxiety and panic attacks, she finally acquiesced, but not before a lecture regarding my weight and its impact on my health. She soapboxed for quite awhile while running a flu test that I had not actually asked for.
I went in for flu-like symptoms, and my godmother/ roommate had been diagnosed with the flu a day or two earlier. When the test (a $55 test by the way) came back negative for flu, she prescribed the SAME drugs she would have if it had come back positive. Of course, because I was out the $55 for the flu test I didn't ask for that didn't affect her course of treatment-- I couldn't afford the drugs the prescribed to treat my flu-exposure. Unfortunately, she was so busy trying to "treat" my weight problem that she didn't bother to listen when I explained that my funds were very limited and I was uninsured (and at the time, minimally employed).
That's not a foreign scenario, and I'm willing to bet a lot of other overweight men and women can relate to that. There are a lot of doctors, nurses, professionals... people in general-- who assume that because a person is overweight, they are stupid, incompetent, or generally ignorant about the impact that excess weight has on their health. It's probably similar to the flack that smoker's get about smoking being bad for their health. Want to make a quick enemy? Tell a smoker how bad it is for their health. Trust me, they've heard it-- and from people who care much more than you do.
I have never denied my part in my weight gain. It's not something that happened to me overnight, and it's not something that is stritcly a result of bad genes, bad environment, bad example. No one forced me to shove food in my mouth. Might there be a biological, hormonal, or chemical factor in my weight gain-- yes I believe there probably is. But much like a smoker who is addicted and doesn't choose to quit-- I am not ignorant to the affect the excess weight has on my health. Just because I allowed myself to get to this point, does NOT mean I don't understand the consequences. Treating me like an imbecile because I am overweight does not inspire the necessary confidence for me to trust you to help me with that problem.
And then I found Dr. F. My local CareNow has a few different practitioners... but Dr. F is by far my favorite. To whit, I've seen him probably the last 3-5 times I've been ill, and since I'm not typically a repeat customer ... that's really saying something. One of the things I particularly like is that he does NOT talk about my weight. He knows to take my blood pressure at the beginning and END of our appointments, particularly after I explained my doctor-anxiety, and most of the time I'm pretty close to normal by the end of the appointment, even if I was high on the blood pressure scale at the beginning. He allows me to come in without being weighed (in fact, the last time the nurse didn't even ask me about it, so I have to assume he actually put a note in my chart). I am comfortable enough with him that a couple of appointments ago I actually broached the subject of my weight. I asked about surgery, about some options... but at the time I really wasn't ready to make the changes I needed to make, and I was honest with him about that. To my relief he listened intently, offered some opinions, but didn't push, and didn't judge either. He was very understanding, and treated me with respect. It was refreshing and encouraging... and it's one of the reasons I keep going back.
Now, I'm not sure if ti works to have your primary physician be the guy at CareNow... but I'm going to ask-- because in my book Dr. F is worth about 100 GPs in private practice. I trust him, respect him, and I feel that in addition to having my best interests at heart, he understands the value of the pace at which I approach things. I also think he may drop dead when I go in next, agree to be weighed, and start talking testing for all the myriad of weight-related issues I've so vociferously declined before. We'll see.
And to balance out my nearly 4,000 calorie day, I ended my week with a vicious migraine that I fought for 4 days before succumbing. Because I spent most of the day in bed nauseated from my light sensitivity(and not at work as I would have preferred), I ate nothing... until about 6pm... at which point my godmother came home with a bunch of grapes. So, I decided to look at it as an opportunity to detox. Since all I'd had during the day was some vitamin water zero and excedrin, I cleaned things out with a generous helping of grapes, and besides still having a slightly sore head, I felt fairly well refreshed by the end of the night. It seemed like a good way to finish the week, and clear my palate (so to speak) for the next one.
So now the real trick is keeping up the excedrin until my semi-yearly migraine gives up and goes away. And then to start the new week fresh, with renewed resolve and determination. This week had a set-back. So what? The important thing is not to let it stop me. Setbacks are part of the process....
Unfortunately so are migraines... and mine needs another dose of excedrin. See you next week.
Saturday Morning good news, last minute update... I managed to shed off those extra pounds.. sitting pretty back at a 25lb loss and ready to take on the new week!
I recovered, as evidenced by the rest of the week's intakes. It doesn't help that all that face-stuffing concides (or caused more likely) my first real gain-back of weight. Ok, so it's about a net gain of 2 pounds, but still... frustrating to put it mildly.
I'm not giving up though. Re-focusing: yes. Re-prioritizing: yes. Re-evaluating: yes. Giving up: No.
Hello rough spot-- I knew we'd meet eventually. And I'm sure we'll meet again.
So now what? Back to healthy living. Back to subway lunches, chicken and veggie dinners... and splurges as an occasional treat (but no more 3900 calorie ones at ANY point).
And yes, therapy. Another voicemail has been left. I'll connect with her eventually-- in the meantime, I think it's getting on time to see that doctor. Thyroid check, hormone check, blood sugar, cholesterol... blah blah blah. Those of you that know me well can probably tell my level of dedication to this whole venture by the sheer fact that I'm even WILLING to go to a doctor. No offense to those practicing the profession, but I can't stand doctors. They make me nervous, uncomfortable, and generally unhappy. Although my local CareNow office does employ one that I find less deplorable than any other I've been too-- I actually kind of like him.
I think my beef with doctors is actually more about the way they treat me (not in the sense of treating my ills, but the way they treat me as a person) than it is about not liking tests, or needles, or any of that jazz. I think the other fat girls will probably back me up on this.. and bear with me-- because it's rant time:
I've been to... um... a few doctors in my time. Although I've seen fewer in the last few years than I did when I was younger and better insured, I've bounced between CareNow and other urgent-care type facilities over the last 10 years or so, and what I've found is that you get very little respect as a fat person. In fact, I've dealt with some physicians who were actually rude. I've had a doctor try to refuse to prescribe medication because I wouldn't allow her nurse to weigh me. I know that my weight does have an affect on how much medication is needed, but I had not gained a significant amount since my previous weigh in and I felt that it was not medically necessary to do so in that visit. When I tried to explain that (at the time) being weighed had some kind of severe consequences involving anxiety and panic attacks, she finally acquiesced, but not before a lecture regarding my weight and its impact on my health. She soapboxed for quite awhile while running a flu test that I had not actually asked for.
I went in for flu-like symptoms, and my godmother/ roommate had been diagnosed with the flu a day or two earlier. When the test (a $55 test by the way) came back negative for flu, she prescribed the SAME drugs she would have if it had come back positive. Of course, because I was out the $55 for the flu test I didn't ask for that didn't affect her course of treatment-- I couldn't afford the drugs the prescribed to treat my flu-exposure. Unfortunately, she was so busy trying to "treat" my weight problem that she didn't bother to listen when I explained that my funds were very limited and I was uninsured (and at the time, minimally employed).
That's not a foreign scenario, and I'm willing to bet a lot of other overweight men and women can relate to that. There are a lot of doctors, nurses, professionals... people in general-- who assume that because a person is overweight, they are stupid, incompetent, or generally ignorant about the impact that excess weight has on their health. It's probably similar to the flack that smoker's get about smoking being bad for their health. Want to make a quick enemy? Tell a smoker how bad it is for their health. Trust me, they've heard it-- and from people who care much more than you do.
I have never denied my part in my weight gain. It's not something that happened to me overnight, and it's not something that is stritcly a result of bad genes, bad environment, bad example. No one forced me to shove food in my mouth. Might there be a biological, hormonal, or chemical factor in my weight gain-- yes I believe there probably is. But much like a smoker who is addicted and doesn't choose to quit-- I am not ignorant to the affect the excess weight has on my health. Just because I allowed myself to get to this point, does NOT mean I don't understand the consequences. Treating me like an imbecile because I am overweight does not inspire the necessary confidence for me to trust you to help me with that problem.
And then I found Dr. F. My local CareNow has a few different practitioners... but Dr. F is by far my favorite. To whit, I've seen him probably the last 3-5 times I've been ill, and since I'm not typically a repeat customer ... that's really saying something. One of the things I particularly like is that he does NOT talk about my weight. He knows to take my blood pressure at the beginning and END of our appointments, particularly after I explained my doctor-anxiety, and most of the time I'm pretty close to normal by the end of the appointment, even if I was high on the blood pressure scale at the beginning. He allows me to come in without being weighed (in fact, the last time the nurse didn't even ask me about it, so I have to assume he actually put a note in my chart). I am comfortable enough with him that a couple of appointments ago I actually broached the subject of my weight. I asked about surgery, about some options... but at the time I really wasn't ready to make the changes I needed to make, and I was honest with him about that. To my relief he listened intently, offered some opinions, but didn't push, and didn't judge either. He was very understanding, and treated me with respect. It was refreshing and encouraging... and it's one of the reasons I keep going back.
Now, I'm not sure if ti works to have your primary physician be the guy at CareNow... but I'm going to ask-- because in my book Dr. F is worth about 100 GPs in private practice. I trust him, respect him, and I feel that in addition to having my best interests at heart, he understands the value of the pace at which I approach things. I also think he may drop dead when I go in next, agree to be weighed, and start talking testing for all the myriad of weight-related issues I've so vociferously declined before. We'll see.
And to balance out my nearly 4,000 calorie day, I ended my week with a vicious migraine that I fought for 4 days before succumbing. Because I spent most of the day in bed nauseated from my light sensitivity(and not at work as I would have preferred), I ate nothing... until about 6pm... at which point my godmother came home with a bunch of grapes. So, I decided to look at it as an opportunity to detox. Since all I'd had during the day was some vitamin water zero and excedrin, I cleaned things out with a generous helping of grapes, and besides still having a slightly sore head, I felt fairly well refreshed by the end of the night. It seemed like a good way to finish the week, and clear my palate (so to speak) for the next one.
So now the real trick is keeping up the excedrin until my semi-yearly migraine gives up and goes away. And then to start the new week fresh, with renewed resolve and determination. This week had a set-back. So what? The important thing is not to let it stop me. Setbacks are part of the process....
Unfortunately so are migraines... and mine needs another dose of excedrin. See you next week.
__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__
Saturday Morning good news, last minute update... I managed to shed off those extra pounds.. sitting pretty back at a 25lb loss and ready to take on the new week!
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