Week Ten Ends, Week Eleven Begins

Well, I've learned a few things this week... actually, as of this morning even.


   I've been stressed.  I already mentioned that of course.  But this morning I realized, while talking with my boss about the fact that I have completely unrealistically high expectations for myself, that a big part of my stress is probably because of my weight loss.




   No, follow me here.


   You are looking at a girl who spent 15 years (more really) finding comfort in food.  Food was my coping mechanism.  When I was upset, sad, angry, stressed (especially stressed)... I ate.  Ice cream, sugar, fatty foods, comfort foods.  Mac N Cheese, fried chicken, steak, loaded mashed potatoes, the fattier, the more sugar, the more salt, the more calories... the better.


   And I wallowed in that.  I buried my emotions in food.


   But with the changes I've made, I don't do that anymore.  At all.  Seriously.  I'm not denying that the occasional pint of ice cream finds its way into my belly... BUT I budget calories for it.. it's not just a fly-by-night whim that I indulge because I'm having a bad day.


   And the truth is, any emotional eater will tell you there is something distinctly comforting about scarfing sugar-laden, fatty foods (secretly of course) on TOP of whatever you already ate during the day.  Now, granted as a recovering emotional eater, I can also say it's a bit disturbing too, but the point is there is comfort in those foods.  So here I am, 2 and a half months in and am rolling through my days without my #1 source of comfort.  


   Add to that the hormonal issues of the fact that my body and chemistry which is used to filtering chemicals and hormones through 367 pounds, is now filtering all of it through only 344 pounds (oh yeah, I'm at 23 pounds lost now... woot!).  That's going to lead to some re-organization... internally.   In other words... I'm a MESS.  I'm emotional and moody.  I'm exhausted.  And on top of that I'm at a (relatively) new job, learning a whole new skill set... and encountering the busiest season that company has seen in some time.  It's a lot to process without my fatty food security blanket.  


   So where does that leave me?


   Well, I haven't figured that out yet.  The thing is throughout this process there are going to be a lot of adjustments.  Not just in my diet, in my wardrobe, in my own perceptions-- but even in the way I approach my world from an emotional standpoint.  For the last year (maybe even 2), I have been in a really excellent place emotionally.  Feeling confident, and strong, and really finally feeling like my life is on a path that I've chosen, rather than one I've been forced onto.  But for that last year (or two) I've also still allowed myself to use food as a comfort.    And maybe part of the reason I finally realized I'm ready to put that behind me is because I finally feel strong enough to be truly healthy in ways that I don't think I have ever been-- at least not for as long as I can remember.   


   I think the thing I need to hold onto as I navigate through all of this is that I am strong enough for these challenges.  And yes, that means I will have to find some other way to handle my stress that doesn't involve food.  I have no idea what that is going to be.  I don't even know where to begin.  Before food (or while I was using food for many years) I was also a self-injurer.  That was my other coping mechanism.  I've been self-injury free for almost 4 years now... and probably the reason I got to the size I am is that I filled the coping void that not self-injuring left...  with food.   So now I have to re-evaluate again.  I have to come up with some healthy ways to deal with my stress, with my emotions, with my insecurities.  Part of the problem with that though, is that my life has been anything but normal.  I have no clue what normal people do to cope with stuff.  Drink?  Although I do have a lovely bottle of Patron Silver in the fridge, I'd like not to make that a habit.  Besides, despite enjoying tequila more than your average person-- I'd rather make it a treat than a routine, and it's a bit impractical in the middle of the day during a crisis regardless.


   Basically now, it's time to evaluate and gather some knowledge and resources.  I need to figure out how to deal.  Because this is not going to be a short process.  From start to finish I have at least 200 pounds to lose.  That doesn't happen overnight-- especially since I'm hoping to do this without surgery.  There is a lot of learning to do in this process, and while a lot of it I can do on my own or with the help of a physician, the emotional stuff is going to require a different approach.  


  Therapy?  Maybe.  But aside from a brief foray into group therapy in my late teens, I've never really had much success with therapy.  Of course I'm a very different person now... so maybe therapy would be a different experience now too.  




  For now, I'm going to focus on my successes, both personal and professional.  I'm going to focus on my achievements.  I'm going to focus on how far I've come in the last couple of years, in the last few months.  I'm going to focus on the person I've finally started to understand and appreciate...




Me.