Week Thirteen Ends, Week Fourteen Begins

   I don't know that I have anything particularly interesting to say about this week.  Lots of backlash from last week (meaning I'm not really down that much further weight wise), but a few pluses as far as my body goes.


   For the first time since I started this process, I've finally seen a measured change in my actual BODY.  A few things stand out to me actually from this week.  One sign is in my car.  I drive a hyundai elantra.. not an especially large vehicle, but it suits me.  Now the one drawback is that in that space, my short legs and my fat stomach tend to compete for distance to the steering wheel and pedals.  Usually if I'm not careful, I tend to end up with a dark black mark from my steering wheel on my stomach because the fit is close enough to have it rub on me, but not so close that it's uncomfortable.  Technically I blame it on my legs being too short, but really the issue is that I've been FAT.  Well, I realized this week... my stomach and my steering wheel have parted ways!


   That's right people, no more weird black smudges on my clothes, I fit just a little bit better in my car!


   So to top off that win... I start therapy on Friday the 30th.  :eep:  It's been many years since I've been in therapy and even though I'm a big advocate of talk therapy, for some reason I'm a little nervous about going back myself.  I keep reminding myself that the last time I was in therapy I was broken... and this time I just need some help with emotional maintenance-- primarily figuring out how to deal with my stress without shoving food in my mouth.  I think my friends are more enthused about my return to therapy than I am.. which is probably a sign that I've been more stressed out than I realized and have no doubt been taking it out on them.


   In other news-- well, there really isn't much other news.  Had a party this week which means I spent a good chunk of my day swimming and playing water volleyball.  Always a good thing because those are the days that help me recover from a less-than-successful food week.  I started to say my food failures this week weren't entirely my fault-- but I think we all know that's not true.  I am the one who decides what to eat.   And at every restaurant... a salad is always an option... and dessert is never a necessity (well, almost never).  Our bosses took my whole department out to dinner this week, and although I did say no to the appetizers, I coupled my lump crab pomadoro with 3 glasses of exquisite red wine, and 2 large shots of tequila... then finished it all off with a slice of cheesecake.  It's easy to eat if the company card is paying the bill.  Then on Friday, two friends and I went to see SALT... and instead of getting a chicken sandwich... or a turkey burger... or a salad-- I went all out.  Steak sandwich, fries (although I didn't finish those) a slice of cheese bread, and a couple of hot wings.  And a strawberry shake too.  :sigh:


   I think the thing that worries me is that this is the 2nd week in a row I've felt like my eating was back to being out of control.  It's still not what it was.  I'll never let it be what it was... ever.  But for the second week in a row I found excuses to deviate from my routines.  The very routines that have allowed me to lose 26 pounds.  It hasn't been a daily failure, the truth is the majority of the last two weeks I stayed right on track-- and as my friends are wont to tell me, it's actually a good idea to give yourself a day off now and then.  I just want to ensure that my days off aren't going to begin to outnumber my days on.


   This week I want to focus on getting back on track.  Back to Subway lunches, and chicken and veg dinners.  Maybe it's time to pursue some Lean cuisine or healthy choice frozen dinners... so that I have some choice besides just my chicken and veggies (which do get old eventually).  I want to refocus on my portions, on limiting how much I eat at each meal.  And I think it's time to start trying to find time to get to the doctor.  The hunger thing is STILL an issue-- and it's been 3 months.  I have to think that if my body was going to adjust hunger levels to my new intake levels, it would have done so by now.  The fact that I'm still going from starved to stuffed (if I eat that much which I still don't) is incredibly frustrating.   So I think my next paycheck is going to include a trip to the doctor.  It's time to get my body working WITH me instead of AGAINST me.


   And to close out... here's a piece of my new list.  The list of things I'm going to do and be when I'm fit and healthy:


1. Take the dog for walks


2. Be IN pictures instead of just taking them.


3. Stop hiding the back of the room.


4. Pull out my camera and not care who sees me.


5. Go to the front of the room for shows, get shots from the GOOD seats.  I won't be afraid to introduce myself to the dancers, to get better shots, closer shots, better angles.


6.  Eat at a restaurant without wondering what people think about the fat girl squished into the too-small booth.


7. Buy clothes that are professional and that don't just "fit" but actually look good on.


8. Go to more events, protests, parties, gatherings, movies, outings.


9.  Date


10.  Actively pursue my photography as a means of sustenance financially.




  Those are just some of the things I want to do, things that I either can't do now, or am too self-conscious to do now.  And I know that a lot of those things aren't JUST my weight... but some long-embedded self-esteem issues too.   But then again... I guess that's going to be helped in  no small part by the therapy I'm starting eh?




    See you next week.