Not Just a Fat Girl Anymore

Ok... back to blogging

2010-11-21T21:43:00.001-06:00

So, it's been awhile.

   2 Months.. or so. And I know, I know-- this was supposed to be an ongoing tracker for my weight loss journey. So why nothing for the last 2 months?

   Well, partly because nothing has changed significantly since September. I'm still at my 37 lb mark, still making good (well, better) decisions about the food I eat, and the portions I take. I've relaxed a bit on my previous regimen, but will be picking it back up shortly-- as I'm frustrated by this 2-month stall. I'm also starting to look at some options for exercise.

   One of the few joys I had towards the end of my high school days were participating at a Tae Kwon Do Studio, training my way towards my black belt. I got as far as Camo decided when my mom stopped being able to afford the fees. Part of my therapy homework this week (yes, I actually get homework!!) is to research and find out how much it would cost me to start up at a studio again.

   And I'm actually excited it about-- at least, part of me is. The part of me that is ready to start MOVING is excited. But the part of me that looks in the mirror and still sees... ... ... fat and flab and flesh-- not so much. I know that's part of the work I have to do on the emotional side of this journey.

   I can recognize some of the weight loss by sight at this point. I can feel the change in how my clothes fit, and sometimes... when I can stand to look in the mirror for more than the time it takes to ensure I'm not a complete mess-- I can see it in my face too. Can even sometimes see it in the space I take up in the world-- or don't as the case may be. But my body issues are not going to be solved just by eliminating the weight I carry with me. There's a whole other piece of this journey that for the most part, I've stayed away from here. I've touched on it, brushed over it-- but I've stopped short of really hashing through anything but the physical side of this. I guess I should change that. After all... only 3 people follow me here.. and 2 of them are family members.

   So why am I hesitating about returning to Tae Kwon Do? Probably the same reason I don't join a health club and swim regularly, or go down to the lake and walk with my ipod on the weekends. I don't want to be seen this way. I spend every day of my life in this body, avoiding mirrors, super-conscious but constantly trying to ignore the way I look. It goes a lot deeper than just not liking the way I look-- but for the moment it's as good a thing to talk about as any.

  I wasn't always fat. I wasn't even always overweight. But for as long as I can remember I have FELT that way. I can still remember one day after my dad's parents departed from a visit-- I think I was in 4th grade. Mom came to me and said that grandma had mentioned it looked like I'd gained quite a bit of weight that year. And maybe I saw it before then, felt it before then... but that's a moment that I remember. 20+ years later I can remember that statement, remember how that made me feel. And until recently-- it was actually my grandmother that I blamed for that. But I realized this week that, along with a list of other issues, it's really my mom I should have been upset at. My grandmother no doubt said it to her in a moment of familial concern, or even just... as a passing observation. My mom is the one who decided it was something I needed to know about.

   What 4th grader needs to hear that? What 8, 9 year old kid needs to hear that a relative thinks she's heavy, that she's gained weight, that it's a reason for concern? The truth of the matter is (at the risk of TMI), that was also the year I started puberty- so yeah, I probably got a little chunked out that year. If I remember correctly, I did carry a little extra pudge in 4th grade, but in 5th I slimmed back down again and stayed a relatively normal size for my age until high school when I did in fact, get fat. But the truth is at that point, the emotional damage was done. Maybe I did feel it before that conversation, maybe I did see my own body as something less than perfect before that moment. But I can say with absolutely certainty that I never again felt like my body was my ally.

  I look back at photos from grade school, from 5th grade, and 6th. I look at all those photos up until my junior year really and wish I could tell that girl how perfect she was. How fit and attractive she was. How confident and beautiful she should have felt. Instead now I have the body that matches that girl's mind and I have to work backwards to try and fix BOTH problems.

  When I look in a mirror I see things that I guess other people don't see. SuperTherapist is always trying to get me to tick off the things I'm grateful for about my body: eyes that see, arms and legs that work, a good brain, skilled hands, ears that ear etc. etc. And it's not that I'm not grateful to have a functioning body-- to have parts and pieces that work... it's just that surrounding all those pieces I see every unnecessary bite of food I've ever eaten. I see an accumulation of fat and flab. I see the ugliness that society associates with fat. That I imagine people looking in associate with me.

   I tend to stay close to home. I don't really reach out, go out, unless I need something specifically-- or if a friend or loved one specifically invites me. I don't like to be out, seen, having to push my way into a booth at a restaurant, having to excuse myself to walk between people in a crowd that someone "normal" sized could easily slip between. The life of this body is a reluctantly and embarrassingly visible one-- and I try to minimize my own visibility when I can. So we come back to Tae Kwon Do. Back to walking, back to swimming, back to health clubs. I am self-conscious about my size, my appearance on a daily basis just getting through my life. The idea of taking myself into a Tae Kwon Do studio, to a gym... in a swimsuit to a pool to be around people who haven't spent half their lives carrying around 200 extra pounds-- is terrifying. And maybe part of my insecurity is fed by my anxiety disorder. Maybe the two issues feed each other (no pun intended). But regardless of the underlying cause of my sincere and severe discomfort-- I am going to have to deal with it one way or another. Keeping those 37 lbs off for 2 months is a great thing, but if I'm going to keep moving forward-- I have to start MOVING.

   Easy enough to say when I have an upper respiratory infection that makes it inadvisable to start walking around outside for exercise. But this cough/cold thing I'm fighting-- does give me time to decide what I want to do. When I first started all of this I said I would start exercising when I lost enough weight that I felt I physically COULD. But now I'm at that point to be honest. I'm at a point where my knees, my hips would allow me to begin at least a light-exercise program.  I already know what I need to do. And I know that I can do it. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.

  And to my cousin who is reading this and shouting RUNNING IS THE ANSWER!! I think I'm a little ways from joining in the run... but maybe it is time to get out and walk around a little. Isn't that why Apple created Ipods?

Week Whatever... If anyone remembers the count... fill me in!

2010-09-19T22:49:00.001-05:00

   I wasn't really going to do a blog this week. The truth is I'm working through so much stuff in therapy it's hard to come home and blog about it all over again at the end of each week. Plus, a lot of it is stuff that I have no intention of airing on such a public forum.

   But a couple of things happened this week that I feel like are really worth talking about here, things I want to share. Positives-- even.

   First of all, I've mentioned before that I call her the SuperTherapist for a reason. I've been in therapy before without a huge measure of success, but this time, I feel like it's actually working. Partly because things almost immediately got worse-- but that's supposed to be a sign of progress.

   But I don't want to talk about how things got worse for a little bit (they are improving now... slowly but improving nonetheless), I want to talk about a few things that have really sort of boosted me this week.

#1: I'm at 37 pounds lost. I continue to take care in what I eat and how much. I'm not as regimented as I had been when I first started, but part of that is because I'm finding it easier and easier to make healthy choices as a general rule. I don't have to force myself to count calories, because I'm not gravitating towards the foods I used to be attracted to.

   It's not perfect, I still have moments when I find myself eating because I'm emotional. I still have moments where I crave and buy a pint of Ben and Jerrys.... but instead of eating the whole thing-- by the time I'm 4 or 5 spoonfuls in.. I'm done.

   I'm not worrying about it as much anymore either, which also makes it easier. Because it's hard to stick to something like this when its ALL you ever think about. I'm letting my new healthier instincts take over and guide my choices. And even though a part of me was upset that I'm beyond the 20 week mark, and not yet at the 40 pound mark... I'm still going DOWN. And that's what matters. I'm headed in the right direction.

   And... as if that wasn't proof enough-- I went shopping this week. I've been having issues keeping my work pants up, and all my comfy sleep-in-them pants are too big too. I'm still wearing size 4 and 5x shirts which I've been swimming in for some time now.

   So I went shopping, primarily because I wanted a new top for an event that I'll talk about in my last bullet-point. I didn't end up with pants yet, but I did try on a TON of shirts. And as it turns out, I really have lost some size. 99% of the things that fit me best yesterday were 3xs. And not just-- they fit me, but I felt good in them, felt comfortable. That's a major change for me, and a great one.

#2: I am FINALLY caught up at work. Thanks to help from my coworkers who buckled down on some of my stuff with me Friday and Saturday, I will have my whole desk caught up by the end of the week probably. That is such a relief, such a weight off my shoulders I don't even know how to describe it!

   I've been carrying work with me a lot lately. Pretty much since summer started. It's the main push that had me back in therapy. Although now that I'm there, I do intend to stay in therapy for awhile. Time to deal with all the stuff I hadn't dealt with.

   But anyway, now assuming things stay relatively calm so I can make these last few overdue calls, I can put work behind me for a bit, and stop carrying that stress with me all the time.

#3: My Godmother (or as her full title reads: Fairy God Mother (FGM for short)) had her 40th high school reunion this week, and while she sat on the reunion committee she suggested that I come to photograph the event. They agreed, and I agreed, and on the 18th of September I photographed at my first official "gig." Payment was just in the form of a new 16gb memory card (and whatever I can make offering CDs of the photos to the attendees), but the actual benefits were much richer.

   Photography is my passion. It's pretty much my first love right now. I recently set some serious goals for myself regarding my photography, since really-- I'd like to be able to live off of my art and not have to punch a clock every day. But with the stress from work, and the blows to my self-esteem I've been dealing with from that, I really needed something to reinforce that I AM good enough to set, and meet those kinds of goals.

   Saturday night did it. The shots aren't perfect, but they are GOOD. The editing is good. And the folks that have seen them so far are THRILLED (wait till they see the surprise that isn't even up yet!) But the point of that is that when I got done editing today and got everything loaded and uploaded, I felt amazing. I felt completely re-energized about my photography, about my own talents and skills and I enjoyed a confidence I haven't felt in a long long time.

  So that's where things are right now. Still slowly but steadily losing weight, finally starting to put aside a lot of my stress from work, and rejuvenating this passion.

   Things aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. I probably never will be. But for the first time in awhile, I feel BETTER. I feel lighter, physically and emotionally. I'm still struggling with my anxiety.. a lot. I'm still having trouble sleeping. I'm still trying to fight all of the damage and trauma and pain that I had stuffed down for so many years... but in this moment, right now-- I feel like there's a light at the end of all of my many tunnels-- and it's not a train.

Boxes

2010-08-31T23:14:00.001-05:00

To understand what I accomplished last night, you have to understand how I got here. I've mentioned before that my life was pretty well ruled by my anxiety disorder for many many years. As far back as I can remember I've been crippled in one way or another by anxiety, self-doubt, self-esteem issues, and more anxiety.

I've mentioned that I used to self-injure, and that part of this little therapy journey for me is learning healthy ways to cope with my stress and anxiety without cutting or shoving food in my mouth or both. But here's the part I haven't really said before:

Last January I was tired. Tired of living a non-functional life. I was in a place where I could manage a job, even some limited social interaction outside of work. But mostly, I was still a recluse. I turned down 101 party invitations, I limited time with my family, I had to budget myself for anything that took me into places with lots of people. Knowing I needed to go to the grocery store on Saturday.. meant I probably wasn't going to go out to dinner with a friend on Friday.

Every social interaction I agreed to had a cost. And sometimes, when I'd had enough unexpectedly... I'd change plans, head home, and just... flip out. Panic attacks were better than they had been before... but I still had them. And I was tired of being a non-functioning person. So I found a way to change my life, inspired (oddly enough... by the movie The Yes Man). If you've seen the movie you know it's a cute little Jim Carrey Comedy. If you haven't here's the quick synopsis: basically Jim Carrey is a man who says no to EVERYTHING. Then one day he's "cursed" into saying yes to everything. It was a cute movie, but the thing that kept resonating with me was saying Yes. And of course in the movie it goes to ludicrous extremes, but I couldn't stop being amazed at the transformation in the life of Jim Carrey's character.

Because I was someone who said no to things. Not because I wanted to, but because I was incapable of managing myself and my anxiety in order to say yes. And I decided I had to find a way to change it. So I started just... saying yes.

"Do you want to have dinner?" Yes.

"We're having a party will you come?" Yes.

"Going to a ballgame, want to go?" Yes.

Shopping, eating out, parties, events, coffee with friends. Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.

The problem of course was that saying Yes to everything didn't change how I FELT about it all. It didn't change that I would come home from each outing exhausted, pained, anxious... frequently suffering panic attacks, crying myself to sleep. I forced myself to keep it up but I needed to do something that would allow me to actually enjoy the life I was taking on.

So I decided to try and "visualize" a solution. I sat down and I decided that what I needed was a way to... close off all the pieces of myself that kept me from being able to HAVE a life. So I imagined up these boxes... wood boxes with hinged lids and latches. I saw myself tucking away all the pain, and loneliness, and self-doubt, and anxiety, and fear, and anger, and neglect. I took everything that was holding me back and I boxed it up. Then I slammed the lids down, and locked them. I stacked them in a closet, closed the door, locked it, and sat my fat self down in front of it... with my back to the door-- holding it closed with every spare fiber of energy I had.

And for the last year and a half... well, almost 2 years now... I've been expending no small chunk of energy keeping that door closed. Keeping those boxes locked up has been no small task, but after awhile I got used to it. And for the first time for as long as I can remember I felt like I had room to have a life. And I know, have always known that all that crap is still IN there. I know that it wasn't the healthiest solution, or a permanent one. But I was able to start going out, to start accepting invitations, able to start being brave. I went on a photowalk with a bunch of strangers, I stopped being afraid to take my camera out in public, I went to parties. I spent time with my family, and I got to know my friends again.

And all that crap just... sat there. In boxes. In a closet. And I never really relaxed completely because part of me had to stay alert, to watch for leaks. To make sure that everything stayed locked up and under my control. Because those were my options: an iron fist of control over my emotion... or let my anxiety control me.

I'm sure that need to have control also fed into my weight issues. Because really, won't a fat girl be a better counter-weight to that bulging closet door than a thin one? That's not really the point of this blog though. I'll be working through those boxes later on. But in order to understand last night's experience, you have to understand how I become a functional person. Those boxes gave me a freedom I'd never had before. I separated myself from everything that debilitated me, and I actually enjoyed my life. And that's how it's been ever since. I decided that having a life where part of me was separated out... was better than having no life at all. Half a life was better than no life at all.

And then over the summer, my boxes started to break down. And part of that, I'm sure is because of the stress of my job. I had to exert so much more energy and focus on work... that I stopped watching that door, stopped maintaining all those boxes. So then the discussion of massage came up with the SuperTherapist. The idea of course, being to use that kind of loving, healing, safe touch to work through some of my body issues and my issues with touch. And all of that DID make me nervous. But the thing that sent me whirling into my first panic attack in almost 2 years... the thing that terrified me, was the whole POINT of massage.

To relax. To release.

To let. go.

And that, to me, was terrifying. Because if I let go, if I really and truly let go, I have to abandon my post at that closet door. And all I can think of is those damn boxes. All I can see is this tumble of boxes as the door breaks open, and they fall open and they overtake me again. All I could see was getting swept away by all of that crap again, and losing control. Becoming nonfunctional again.

I spent a lot of time the last two weeks fearing last night. I had panic. I almost cancelled 100 times. I journaled. And I was sure that by today I was going to be a non-functional person again. That my life was going to back to being filled with fear and pain and anxiety. Which is probably the reason why I pretty much started crying when I hit the office.

I am very blessed though. I have a dear friend who is a massage therapist, and thanks to recommendations from my best friend, I have a really remarkable therapist as well (hence why I call her the SuperTherapist). We all met in the massage therapists outer office and talked a little, and I confessed my fears, my terror really about what was going to happen. When I was ready, I laid on the table and the massage started.

For probably, the first half... I didn't really connect to it. I had a hard time relaxing enough to not fight the process. SuperTherapist tried walking me into some guided meditation... but I didn't really connect for awhile. It wasn't until it was about half over that something really resonated. Up until that point I was mostly exerting my energy in "trying" to give in to the process. Which, by the way... "trying" to give in... doesn't really work. As SuperTherapist says... it's not about trying... it's about doing. But that's beside the point. I told you everything up unto this point so that you know how remarkable this really was.

A little over halfway through my massage therapist was working on my left arm, my back and shoulders. And I suddenly was overwhelmed by memory. Flooded with it. A lot of my boxes... well-- they've got a label on them that says, "Mom." Although she and I made peace by the time she died for the most part, there is a lot of stuff that I have not personally worked through about our relationship. And a lot of that is the fact that I spent a lot of my life taking care of her, being her support, her emotional rock. I made myself invisible, played the good girl, listened to her troubles, hugged her when SHE cried. I felt like for many years, my life was focused on either not upsetting my mom, or supporting her through her emotional troubles.

I have very few memories of my mom tending to me. Soothing Me. Taking care of Me. And part of that is that as I got older, I didn't ask for that the way I should have. But part of it is that she, for many years, was not able to see beyond her own pain and anxiety to recognize and soothe my own. After she died, it's something that I have greatly regretted. Not necessarily the neglect that created... so much as regret that I never asked her to care for me once I had the voice to do so.

The one thing, consistently, that my mom DID do to nurture me was when I got sunburned. (And really I probably got more of them than I should... maybe because deep down I knew it was a way to receive the nurturing I didn't get otherwise). She would rub lotion on my back, on my arms. And she would lay wet rags soaked in apple-cider vinegar and cold water across my back and sit with me until I could fall asleep. That memory washed over me like a tidal wave and I started to cry... not a little but a lot. Ugly cryin'. You know the whole nose-runnin, face swollen, can't breathe, ugly. cryin. And I had to sort of sit up because I couldn't breathe, and SuperTherapist asked me to talk about what had come up. And I talked about that memory, and I talked about how incredible it was to FEEL that memory in my body, to FEEL that touch from my mom when I have so few memories like that from her.

And when I could breathe again (mostly) I laid back down, and we continued the massage. And my massage therapist said, "You just released a ton of energy, I can feel the difference in your body." And I could too. My arms fell off the table, completely relaxed, and I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted. And I closed my eyes and followed the meditation SuperTherapist had been guiding me through earlier. I went to a safe, comfortable room, and I sat with that memory, I sat with the pain that was associated with it as well. And then I realized that at some point... that pain left. It left my body, it left my safe little room, and I realized that what I was left with in its place... all I had left of it... was an empty box. A broken lock, an open lid, an empty box.

An empty box. One empty box.

And I was ok. The rest of those boxes were still locked, still safe behind that closet door. But one box, one big-ass box was empty in front of me. And I was ok. I have not come undone. I have not become non-functional. And because there is one less box for me to hold shut, one less box for me to hold back... I can be a lighter person too. Emotionally. Physically too.

I had never told anyone about my boxes. For the last almost 2 years-- those boxes have been my secret "success." I realized today as I was thinking about all of this that I've probably had boxes all my life. I have a feeling I'm going to be finding boxes I had completely forgotten about in this process. It may have just been last year that I manifested the vision of all of that... but its' probably something I've been utilizing for ever. And I do honestly believe that as I work through those boxes, my weight loss will come easier and easier too. Because as I empty those boxes, as I clear them out of that closet... I'll need less weight to hold that door closed. And maybe that's part of what has made it so hard for me to lose weight in the past. Because in addition to my body issues, in addition to some of the actual experiences I've had, in addition to my desire to be "invisible" I've been using all that weight to hold shut a door that has been bursting at the seems to release all of the pain I've been trying to hide from all my life.

Last night, I opened a box. I looked inside, sat with the contents, and then... I let it go.

One box down.

After the massage was over, we all went back to the outer office to talk about the experience, to make sure I was ok. They told me that right before I broke down the massage therapist started sweating, started getting hot, sweat dripping off her forehead. Right before I broke down, she said my body suddenly started radiating heat. After I had explained what my memory had been, she said it had felt almost as though my skin was holding heat from a sunburn. When I laid down for her to go back to work on me, my body had cooled down again, the energy it had been holding on to was gone. All I could say again, was that I had released a box, a box that was tied to a memory so deep my body called it up physically before I even made the connection. That was atruly remarkable thing for me. To know that my body held that memory, and that I was then able to release that, to empty that box.

Aside from that... the massage felt amazing-- once I was finally able to surrender to it it was wonderful. And obviously SuperTherapist was right. This may be a path for me that I hadn't allowed myself to consider before. I haven't scheduled another massage session yet. But I might. Maybe I need to be more connected to my body to FIX my body. Maybe I need to let my body help me create the path that heals me. There are definitely boxes in that closet that I think would best be released during massage. In a place where I am safe, and loved, and nurtured.

Whatever happens from here on out, at the very least I know that just because I open one box, doesn't mean they all fall open. It doesn't mean that I will lose control. I can open a box and still be a functional person. And eventually, when I've opened that last box, whatever it may be-- I'll even be a whole one.

Because half of a life is not enough anymore.

Week Eighteen Ends, Week Nineteen Begins

2010-08-29T20:54:00.001-05:00

   I don't have much to say here today. I realize that's becoming something of a habit. As far as my weight stuff goes, it has slowed down-- but not stopped. Last time I weighed myself (last wednesday I believe) I finally broke the 30lb mark. Total loss was 31.8 lbs. This week was a challenge primarily because I was suffering from a nasty sinus infection which had me out of work for 2 days... and pms which meant that while I was home for two days I was CONSTANTLY hungry and craving fatty bad-for-me foods. I did pretty well anyway.. although I did splurge a bit this weekend.

   Back to back on track again tomorrow. At least I'm learning not to kill myself with guilt when I DO splurge, because I know that as a general principle, my eating habits are as a rule... pretty damn good these days. I've actually stopped marking down every single thing I eat. I have a good idea of where I need to be, and I stick to it without the constant monitoring. I'm pretty proud of that actually.

   I used my health insurance this week thanks to my sinus infection, and while in the Doctor's office, I had them do a blood draw to check my thyroid finally. I don't know the results yet, if I haven't heard from them by the end of the week I'll call to see if the results are in. Since it's technically an "urgent care" facility and not a standard primary care physician's, I don't think they do the same kind of follow-up "your results are in" kind of call unless there's a major problem... plus since this was the first week of school, I know they've been completely swamped with school physicals and boosters. I'll check in next week to see what the results are.

   Aside from that.. I'm still struggling with some of my emotional stuff. Struggling in ways and depths that have surprised me. Tomorrow I have my first ever massage. My tactic for that is still to think about it as little as possible. Was contemplating it this evening and once again started to feel that rise of panic.

   I trust my masseuse. I trust my therapist. I trust that this is going to be a good thing.

  I just don't know if I 'm ready for the step that goes with it yet.

By this time tomorrow though... maybe I'll feel differently.

Week Seventeen Ends... Week Eighteen Begins

2010-08-22T22:05:00.000-05:00

   Well, I finally breached the 30lb mark. 31.8 lbs lost as of Friday, which is pretty awesome. People are commenting more and more about being able to see the difference in my face, in my body. It's nice. It'll be nicer when I can see the difference more, but I trust that it's happening, and that it's visible.

   I got back on track with the actual food stuff and portions finally. And since I did manage to get past that 30 lb mark, I clearly hadn't gone TOO far off track to begin with. Really, with crossing the 30 lb line, and getting my food back on track... the weight stuff isn't giving me as much of an issue this week as it has in the past.

I know I haven't had a quality post in here a few weeks, and I'm sorry about that. I'm sure I'll have plenty to talk about after my massage.

   The good news is I am back on track. Some small victories this week:

   My best friend moved into a new apartment and I can actually get up and down the stairs a few times before I feel like I want to die... and I can do the first trip pretty quickly actually.

   I can actually lift my foot up and rest it on my knee... that means that my stomach has actually shrunk as well, which is nice. Because besides not being able to stretch that way before, my stomach was always in the way before. It makes putting on shoes a hell of a lot easier for one thing.

   Other than that, not much blog-worthy to report. Hoping for a drama free week... maybe another pound or two gone by the time we meet again here.

   One of these days, I'll have something interesting to say again.

Week Sixteen.... or Maybe Seventeen

2010-08-17T22:58:00.003-05:00

   Ok. So I'm struggling. Not so much with the actual weight loss stuff as a process-- although I did hit a bit of a stall for the last 2 weeks-- hence the lack of blogging. I haven't gained back weight, which is good, but I haven't lost anymore either. But part of that is probably because the week of my birthday I let loose a little, then balanced it out with a ton of exercise (well a ton for me.).

   Then last week I was back on track portion wise, but still eating more crap than good stuff. Still, not really overdoing it so I've managed to maintain and not gain. Which I suppose is the least I should be shooting for.

No, the food stuff is not really my struggle, not the big one anyway. I'm the struggle. Me. Therapy session # 2 was last night, and it's given me a lot to think about. A lot to process. And I'm struggling.

   The problem is I'm not invisible anymore, which I thought would be a good thing. I feel like I've spent a lot of years longing for people to SEE me, to reach out to me, to notice me. But now it seems almost every other day someone notices me, notices my weight loss, notices the changes I'm making, the changes I've made. And while there is a part of me that is glad-- glad that my hard work can be seen. Except that I didn't realize how much I valued being invisible.

   SuperTherapist gave me a new motto this week. "I am visible in my world." I added something of my own to that, and now it sits on my desk with my last post-it motto, "Not everything is going to get done and that's ok." Below that sits a new post it with, "I am visible in my world. And that is a good thing" And that's part of my project for the week... learning to be visible in my world-- and learning to accept that visibility is a good thing. Part of the problem (which I already knew but didn't really enjoy admitting) is that I hate my body. I didn't say that in therapy in so many words. I talked around it for awhile. And when SuperTherapist asked me right out if I love myself my response was that I love the person I'm going to be. That I don't NOT love myself.

   But really, if I can't even come out and say that I love myself... doesn't that alone speak volumes? One of the things SuperTherapist and I are going to start working... intently... is learning to love the person I AM, and not just the person I want to be. And a lot of that is what SuperTherapist calls: Body Work. Which I recognize is going to be a major step for me. Not just in actualizing my weight loss goals, but in coming to terms with my life. If I'm going to happy with my body when I'm done with this... I have to learn to love the body that I have now.

   I have big issues with my body. I've said here before that I have felt fat for as long as I can remember. In fact, feeling fat, feeling unattractive is one of the first things I do remember. One of the first feelings I remember. And whether that was because someone led me to believe I am or because I looked at the world around me and realized I just didn't fit in, either way that became a pervasive thought in my lifetime... a belief. I've spent most of my 29 years being dissatisfied at best, and disgusted at worst, with my body. I told SuperTherapist last night something I've only ever told 3 people in my whole life... I don't find myself unattractive... as me looking at me. As the body and face that I'm in. I can recognize that I'm not Ugly. But I have a hard time feeling that someone ELSE would find me attractive. I have a hard time believing that the body I've carried with me for so many years is something to be loved-- not just by anyone else... but by me.

   I've been focusing alot on "future" me in the last year. And for awhile, my present me was pretty happy. I had a job I loved, that was fulfilling, and satisfying, that made me happy. And then when that ended, I went back to focusing on "future" me. The healthy me, the skinny me, the attractive me, the happy, satisfied, fulfilled, loved me. But I have very pointedly not focused on my PART in that, my role. Particularly when it comes to loving my body. Body Work. I suppose that part of my idealism about this whole weight loss thing was that I could do this, the physical work of it without confronting the fact that not loving my body won't change just because I change my body. It's something I have to do inside out.

  So what's the first step? Well, the motto I guess. "I am visible in my world, and that is a good thing." But next-- my first ever massage.

   Yes, a massage. I know, clapping hands, happy smiles, even jealousy. A massage as therapy. For you maybe. For me? Fear. Anxiety. Pain. Even disgust, revulsion. I have a hard time with touch. I'm good with hugs. I can cuddle a friend. But I am so embarrassed by my body. By my fat. By my folds, and wrinkles, by my cottage cheese thighs, by my flabby upper arms. There are a million pieces of my body that I could point to that make it hard for me to just be touched. The idea of a massage on the body I have now makes me ashamed. Ashamed that I let my body get this way. I guess deep down I feel like I'm too disgusting to touch. That my fat makes me untouchable. And I hadn't really stopped to think that unless I can learn to love all those pieces now, will I ever really love myself when they're gone? I have to stop being embarrassed by the body that carries me through my days. I have to accept what it is now. I can still change it, I can still make it healthier, stronger. But before I can do that: I have to love what's already there.

   Part of that involves learning to appreciate touch. Being touched. So, I'm getting a massage... during my therapy session. August 30th. And I'd like to say there is part of me that's excited, ore relieved even. I'm glad I'm doing. I'm even gladder that I have a good friend who is a massage therapist... who happens to know SuperTherapist and will be giving me my first massage while SuperTherapist talks me through. And I'm trying really hard not to feel ridiculous for needing a therapist in order to get a massage.

   But just like everything else I've been doing for the last 17 weeks... this is just a step-- and a necessary one.

   Because someday I AM going to love my body. And not just my "future" body, but the one I'm stuck with until I get to where I want to be.

"Stuck with." Clearly I have more work to do. :sigh: As SuperTherapist says, I am just a work in progress. So... here's to progress.

:cheers:

Week Fourteen Ends, Week Fifteen Begins

2010-08-01T21:08:00.001-05:00

   Not a lot to report this week. Holding steady. I'm at 29 pounds lost in a full 14 weeks. I'd love to shed that last pound by my birthday on Wednesday but after the bowl of ice cream I just ate, I don't think it's going to happen.

   All in all the weight stuff is still progressing. If I lose a pound by this coming friday I'll be right on 2lbs a week average since I started. Pretty pleased with that.

  I'm not really sure what to say this week. The truth is I'm feeling a little melancholy. I hate it when my birthday is during the week, it means I can't go wild the way I'd like to-- not that I'm that wild to begin with but still. I have to try and get my food cravings back under control. I'm still maintaining my calorie goals and such, but I've reverted back to some pretty crap foods. Time to reign that back in and go back to the plan.

   First therapy session was on Friday. It went well, definitely the right time for it. There's a lot going on underneath all this loss that needs some attention. My mom, god love her, had some seriously high expectations when I was growing up-- unrealistic ones. And a lot of the issues I'm having with stress and anxiety right now-- come from all those old "tapes" that play in my head. I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist, but every day those tapes play back, convincing me constantly that I'm not good enough, not working hard enough, not accomplishing enough. It's a big part of what flips me out at work, and I think if I'm not careful, it something that could easily sabotage my weight loss too.

Insert my new affirmation, as "prescribed" by the Therapist of Fabulosity... My instructions are to say this out loud first thing when I wake up, and last thing before I go to bed. The idea of course being that eventually I'll start to believe it. So, instead of waxing poetic here (since I actually don't have much to say this week), I'm going to post my new affirmation.

   "I am deserving. I deserve all good. Not some, not a little, but all good. I now move past all negative, restricting thoughts. I release and let go of the limitations of my parents. I love them, and I go beyond them. I am not their negative opinions, nor their limiting beliefs. I am not bound by any of the fears or prejudices of the current society I live in. I no longer identify with limitations of any kind.

   In my mind I have total freedom. I now move into a space of consciousness, where I am willing to see myself differently. I am willing to create new thoughts about myself and about my life. My new thinking becomes new experiences.

   I now know and affirm that I am at one with the Prospering Power of the Universe. As such, I now prosper in a number of ways. The totality of possibilities lies before me. I deserve life, a good life. I deserve love, an abundance of love. I deserve good health. I deserve joy and happiness. I deserve freedom to be all that I can be. I deserve more than that. I deserve all good.

   The Universe is more than willing to manifest my new beliefs. And I accept this abundant life with joy, pleasure, and gratitude. For I am deserving. I accept it; I know it to be true."

   That's what I'm supposed to work on. Believing all of that.

   It's probably going to take awhile.

Week Thirteen Ends, Week Fourteen Begins

2010-07-25T23:36:00.000-05:00

   I don't know that I have anything particularly interesting to say about this week. Lots of backlash from last week (meaning I'm not really down that much further weight wise), but a few pluses as far as my body goes.

   For the first time since I started this process, I've finally seen a measured change in my actual BODY. A few things stand out to me actually from this week. One sign is in my car. I drive a hyundai elantra.. not an especially large vehicle, but it suits me. Now the one drawback is that in that space, my short legs and my fat stomach tend to compete for distance to the steering wheel and pedals. Usually if I'm not careful, I tend to end up with a dark black mark from my steering wheel on my stomach because the fit is close enough to have it rub on me, but not so close that it's uncomfortable. Technically I blame it on my legs being too short, but really the issue is that I've been FAT. Well, I realized this week... my stomach and my steering wheel have parted ways!

   That's right people, no more weird black smudges on my clothes, I fit just a little bit better in my car!

   So to top off that win... I start therapy on Friday the 30th. :eep: It's been many years since I've been in therapy and even though I'm a big advocate of talk therapy, for some reason I'm a little nervous about going back myself. I keep reminding myself that the last time I was in therapy I was broken... and this time I just need some help with emotional maintenance-- primarily figuring out how to deal with my stress without shoving food in my mouth. I think my friends are more enthused about my return to therapy than I am.. which is probably a sign that I've been more stressed out than I realized and have no doubt been taking it out on them.

   In other news-- well, there really isn't much other news. Had a party this week which means I spent a good chunk of my day swimming and playing water volleyball. Always a good thing because those are the days that help me recover from a less-than-successful food week. I started to say my food failures this week weren't entirely my fault-- but I think we all know that's not true. I am the one who decides what to eat. And at every restaurant... a salad is always an option... and dessert is never a necessity (well, almost never). Our bosses took my whole department out to dinner this week, and although I did say no to the appetizers, I coupled my lump crab pomadoro with 3 glasses of exquisite red wine, and 2 large shots of tequila... then finished it all off with a slice of cheesecake. It's easy to eat if the company card is paying the bill. Then on Friday, two friends and I went to see SALT... and instead of getting a chicken sandwich... or a turkey burger... or a salad-- I went all out. Steak sandwich, fries (although I didn't finish those) a slice of cheese bread, and a couple of hot wings. And a strawberry shake too. :sigh:

   I think the thing that worries me is that this is the 2nd week in a row I've felt like my eating was back to being out of control. It's still not what it was. I'll never let it be what it was... ever. But for the second week in a row I found excuses to deviate from my routines. The very routines that have allowed me to lose 26 pounds. It hasn't been a daily failure, the truth is the majority of the last two weeks I stayed right on track-- and as my friends are wont to tell me, it's actually a good idea to give yourself a day off now and then. I just want to ensure that my days off aren't going to begin to outnumber my days on.

   This week I want to focus on getting back on track. Back to Subway lunches, and chicken and veg dinners. Maybe it's time to pursue some Lean cuisine or healthy choice frozen dinners... so that I have some choice besides just my chicken and veggies (which do get old eventually). I want to refocus on my portions, on limiting how much I eat at each meal. And I think it's time to start trying to find time to get to the doctor. The hunger thing is STILL an issue-- and it's been 3 months. I have to think that if my body was going to adjust hunger levels to my new intake levels, it would have done so by now. The fact that I'm still going from starved to stuffed (if I eat that much which I still don't) is incredibly frustrating. So I think my next paycheck is going to include a trip to the doctor. It's time to get my body working WITH me instead of AGAINST me.

   And to close out... here's a piece of my new list. The list of things I'm going to do and be when I'm fit and healthy:

1. Take the dog for walks

2. Be IN pictures instead of just taking them.

3. Stop hiding the back of the room.

4. Pull out my camera and not care who sees me.

5. Go to the front of the room for shows, get shots from the GOOD seats. I won't be afraid to introduce myself to the dancers, to get better shots, closer shots, better angles.

6. Eat at a restaurant without wondering what people think about the fat girl squished into the too-small booth.

7. Buy clothes that are professional and that don't just "fit" but actually look good on.

8. Go to more events, protests, parties, gatherings, movies, outings.

9. Date

10. Actively pursue my photography as a means of sustenance financially.

  Those are just some of the things I want to do, things that I either can't do now, or am too self-conscious to do now. And I know that a lot of those things aren't JUST my weight... but some long-embedded self-esteem issues too. But then again... I guess that's going to be helped in no small part by the therapy I'm starting eh?

   See you next week.

Week Twelve Ends, Week Thirteen Begins

2010-07-17T20:32:00.002-05:00

If you asked me what stress looked like I'd show you a couple different things...

The first would be my face... and the bags under my eyes. Of course that would require a photo which I think we all know isn't going to show up here until I lose another 25 pounds.

The second would be this:

See July 10th? That's stress. That is almost a 4,000 calorie day. And yeah, I'm completely ashamed. However, in the interest of being honest, as I have promised to be not just to myself but here in the public-ish forum. So... July 10th was stress. It was almost a month of sheer stress that backed up on me. Now, the good news is that I did pretty well the rest of the week, and actually on Sunday I was way under my maximum so it does make up for it a little bit. But I'm still disappointed that I went so far overboard.

   I know that the trick is to focus on my successes, not my failures... but this has been a harder than average week fro me for some reason. I suppose part of it is that I'm just so tired, and so stressed that my resolve has been -- well... weakening.

   I recovered, as evidenced by the rest of the week's intakes. It doesn't help that all that face-stuffing concides (or caused more likely) my first real gain-back of weight. Ok, so it's about a net gain of 2 pounds, but still... frustrating to put it mildly.

  I'm not giving up though. Re-focusing: yes. Re-prioritizing: yes. Re-evaluating: yes. Giving up: No.

   Hello rough spot-- I knew we'd meet eventually. And I'm sure we'll meet again.

   So now what? Back to healthy living. Back to subway lunches, chicken and veggie dinners... and splurges as an occasional treat (but no more 3900 calorie ones at ANY point).

   And yes, therapy. Another voicemail has been left. I'll connect with her eventually-- in the meantime, I think it's getting on time to see that doctor. Thyroid check, hormone check, blood sugar, cholesterol... blah blah blah. Those of you that know me well can probably tell my level of dedication to this whole venture by the sheer fact that I'm even WILLING to go to a doctor. No offense to those practicing the profession, but I can't stand doctors. They make me nervous, uncomfortable, and generally unhappy. Although my local CareNow office does employ one that I find less deplorable than any other I've been too-- I actually kind of like him.

   I think my beef with doctors is actually more about the way they treat me (not in the sense of treating my ills, but the way they treat me as a person) than it is about not liking tests, or needles, or any of that jazz. I think the other fat girls will probably back me up on this.. and bear with me-- because it's rant time:

   I've been to... um... a few doctors in my time. Although I've seen fewer in the last few years than I did when I was younger and better insured, I've bounced between CareNow and other urgent-care type facilities over the last 10 years or so, and what I've found is that you get very little respect as a fat person. In fact, I've dealt with some physicians who were actually rude. I've had a doctor try to refuse to prescribe medication because I wouldn't allow her nurse to weigh me. I know that my weight does have an affect on how much medication is needed, but I had not gained a significant amount since my previous weigh in and I felt that it was not medically necessary to do so in that visit. When I tried to explain that (at the time) being weighed had some kind of severe consequences involving anxiety and panic attacks, she finally acquiesced, but not before a lecture regarding my weight and its impact on my health. She soapboxed for quite awhile while running a flu test that I had not actually asked for.

   I went in for flu-like symptoms, and my godmother/ roommate had been diagnosed with the flu a day or two earlier. When the test (a $55 test by the way) came back negative for flu, she prescribed the SAME drugs she would have if it had come back positive. Of course, because I was out the $55 for the flu test I didn't ask for that didn't affect her course of treatment-- I couldn't afford the drugs the prescribed to treat my flu-exposure. Unfortunately, she was so busy trying to "treat" my weight problem that she didn't bother to listen when I explained that my funds were very limited and I was uninsured (and at the time, minimally employed).

   That's not a foreign scenario, and I'm willing to bet a lot of other overweight men and women can relate to that. There are a lot of doctors, nurses, professionals... people in general-- who assume that because a person is overweight, they are stupid, incompetent, or generally ignorant about the impact that excess weight has on their health. It's probably similar to the flack that smoker's get about smoking being bad for their health. Want to make a quick enemy? Tell a smoker how bad it is for their health. Trust me, they've heard it-- and from people who care much more than you do.

   I have never denied my part in my weight gain. It's not something that happened to me overnight, and it's not something that is stritcly a result of bad genes, bad environment, bad example. No one forced me to shove food in my mouth. Might there be a biological, hormonal, or chemical factor in my weight gain-- yes I believe there probably is. But much like a smoker who is addicted and doesn't choose to quit-- I am not ignorant to the affect the excess weight has on my health. Just because I allowed myself to get to this point, does NOT mean I don't understand the consequences. Treating me like an imbecile because I am overweight does not inspire the necessary confidence for me to trust you to help me with that problem.

   And then I found Dr. F. My local CareNow has a few different practitioners... but Dr. F is by far my favorite. To whit, I've seen him probably the last 3-5 times I've been ill, and since I'm not typically a repeat customer ... that's really saying something. One of the things I particularly like is that he does NOT talk about my weight. He knows to take my blood pressure at the beginning and END of our appointments, particularly after I explained my doctor-anxiety, and most of the time I'm pretty close to normal by the end of the appointment, even if I was high on the blood pressure scale at the beginning. He allows me to come in without being weighed (in fact, the last time the nurse didn't even ask me about it, so I have to assume he actually put a note in my chart). I am comfortable enough with him that a couple of appointments ago I actually broached the subject of my weight. I asked about surgery, about some options... but at the time I really wasn't ready to make the changes I needed to make, and I was honest with him about that. To my relief he listened intently, offered some opinions, but didn't push, and didn't judge either. He was very understanding, and treated me with respect. It was refreshing and encouraging... and it's one of the reasons I keep going back.

   Now, I'm not sure if ti works to have your primary physician be the guy at CareNow... but I'm going to ask-- because in my book Dr. F is worth about 100 GPs in private practice. I trust him, respect him, and I feel that in addition to having my best interests at heart, he understands the value of the pace at which I approach things. I also think he may drop dead when I go in next, agree to be weighed, and start talking testing for all the myriad of weight-related issues I've so vociferously declined before. We'll see.

   And to balance out my nearly 4,000 calorie day, I ended my week with a vicious migraine that I fought for 4 days before succumbing. Because I spent most of the day in bed nauseated from my light sensitivity(and not at work as I would have preferred), I ate nothing... until about 6pm... at which point my godmother came home with a bunch of grapes. So, I decided to look at it as an opportunity to detox. Since all I'd had during the day was some vitamin water zero and excedrin, I cleaned things out with a generous helping of grapes, and besides still having a slightly sore head, I felt fairly well refreshed by the end of the night. It seemed like a good way to finish the week, and clear my palate (so to speak) for the next one.

   So now the real trick is keeping up the excedrin until my semi-yearly migraine gives up and goes away. And then to start the new week fresh, with renewed resolve and determination. This week had a set-back. So what? The important thing is not to let it stop me. Setbacks are part of the process....

   Unfortunately so are migraines... and mine needs another dose of excedrin. See you next week.

__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--__

Saturday Morning good news, last minute update... I managed to shed off those extra pounds.. sitting pretty back at a 25lb loss and ready to take on the new week!

Week Eleven Ends, Week Twelve Begins

2010-07-11T10:10:00.005-05:00

   Well, it's official. I have lost 25 lbs. I don't have a lot to report this week. It was a fairly ordinary week, although I have noticed some serious cravings for the first time since I started this journey. That's not to say that I haven't -wanted- certain foods, but this week... craving definitely joined the fray for the first time. And in truth, I have indulged in some of those cravings-- but have managed to balance them (mostly) within my budgeted ranges. I was over my calories 2 days this week (once was an accident) but both times I was over by fewer than 200 calories, and on Sunday I spent a good chunk of my day swimming which knocked my net caloric intake waaaay down. Thank heavens for exercise.

   I worked less.

   But I worried more.

   It seems my stress may be inversely linked to the number of hours I actually spend working. The fewer hours I spend working, the more time and energy I spend stressing out about work. It's not a great ratio... but I'm working on it. I put a call in to a therapist this week. She called back while I was working. I haven't tried again yet. I will, Monday.

   I know I need to, particularly with this new craving situation rearing up. I don't want to blow the progress I've made because of some stress. I've done pretty well... great actually and the thought of throwing it all away because I'm having stress cravings actually makes me feel kind of ill.

  So what did I achieve this week?

   I made three graduation cards and gifts in 5 hours. I went to a party outside my standard party grouping... and had a great time. And ... I even let my picture be taken. I wasn't thrilled about it, but for a friend I haven't seen in ages... I let it roll. I even peeked at it afterwards and didn't completely hate it. I still look fat... but not as fat as I looked 25 pounds ago.

   Now, friends and family-- don't start thinking I'm ready to be in pictures... this was a one-time exception! I've already told quite a few of you... no pictures until I hit the 50lb mark... and I mean to stick to that. But look-- I'm halfway there so how amazing is that?

   It is kind of cool if you think about it. My initial "goal" was to lose 200 lbs. I am 1/8th of the way there. At 11 weeks and 25 pounds lost, I am still averaging a loss of just over 2lbs a week, which is about the max healthy loss encouraged in the literature and articles that I've read (don't ask me to reference them, I'm too lazy.) If I can keep that up, I will lose the 200 lbs in 20 months... just shy of 2 years. That means that by my 30th I will have lost approx. 135 lbs, putting me at (for the first time since... High school I think) fewer than 250 lbs. Amazing.

   Now, I'm a realist, and I realize that 2 things are going to happen inevitably:
1. When I'm finally able to add exercise those numbers could speed up for a little while.
2. At some point, it will also slow down as my body adjusts and tableaus here and there.

  My hope is that on average I can maintain a 2lb a week loss. Right now I'm actually averaging about 2lbs and a quarter. Which is very cool. I just have to stay on track and keep it up. The other thing to keep in mind is that once I AM able to start really exercising (and regularly) I'll start losing fat and building muscle (which weighs more). That's a mental adjustment I'm going to have to make when the time comes as well. Realizing that just because the numbers may not be going down as steadily, doesn't mean I'm not making progress. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

  As far as my goals go, 200 lbs was sort of an easy blanket goal. Losing 200 lbs from where I started would put me at 167lbs. The thing to keep in mind is that as heavy and as big as I have been, I will probably have to start dealing with excess skin issues before I even lose the whole 200. Hopefully being able to exercise more will help tighten not just some of my musculature, but also help me firm up certain areas as well, although I realize there's not much exercise can do for flabby skin. But... losing weight slowly and steadily can help as well, and doing it before age starts to take a serious toll on my skin's elasticity will too.

   I did some digging and found some great tips to help keep my skin bouncing back as I go through the process...

   From allwomenstalk.com some super sensible tips to help your skin from becoming an issue during weight loss:

"First of all, you should not lose weight quickly …

One of the main reasons as to why people end up with that badly sagging skin is because they shed those pounds too quickly. When you lose more than three pounds each week, it is not healthy at all. It will cause your skin to lose that elasticity faster and make it difficult for it to spring back into shape. Whenever you plan to lose weight, you should plan on losing around two pounds each week. This is not only healthier for your skin, but it is likely for it to stay off longer.

Use moisturizer each day …

Moisturizer will add up to seventy percent of moisturizer to your skin. When you are losing weight, it is great to use a moisturizer as it will help to maintain that elasticity as your body is shrinking. Cover your body in heavy moisturizer each night before you go to bed.

Use Loofah or a body scrub that really works …Scrub your skin 3 times a week
When you scrub away that surface, you will be causing that skin underneath to generate faster.

Drink a lot of water …

There is a lot of studies showing that you should drink at least eight glasses of water every day. Why? In order to keep that moisture in your skin. Apart from this, the water is also going to flush those toxins out of your system. It will give your skin that healthy feel and look.

Exercise as much as possible …

When we talk about exercise, we are talking about sit ups, push-ups, running and anything else you can think of. When you are exercising, you will be building those muscles up. This will plump up your skin from the inside and give it that tighter appearance. When you exercise, you will be making sure you will not gain all the weight back that you just tried so hard to lose.

Massage your skin …

You may not believe this, but massaging the skin helps to build that elasticity back up. You should use mustard oil in order to get the best results. That daily massage will also help your muscles develop. In mustard oil, you will find that there are many medicinal properties in it that will help you to have healthy and glowing skin."

You can read the full article :HERE: and it contains a lot of common sense information I've seen in many related articles and sites. The point is, I may be able to maintain a lot of that issue on my own. Now that I've forged ahead with all this in a non-surgical fashion, I'd really like to be able to accomplish all of it that way. Keeping the elasticity of my skin throughout the process will help with that.

So that's this weeks notes. Nothing terrifically exciting (ok, 25 lbs is kind of terrifically exciting!), and now it's on to week 12, at the end of which is the 3 month mark. I had hoped to be at a full 30 lbs lost by then, but that's ok. A 2lb average loss per week is healthy and encouraging... and I'm good with that.

Week Ten Ends, Week Eleven Begins

2010-07-02T22:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I've learned a few things this week... actually, as of this morning even.

   I've been stressed. I already mentioned that of course. But this morning I realized, while talking with my boss about the fact that I have completely unrealistically high expectations for myself, that a big part of my stress is probably because of my weight loss.

   No, follow me here.

   You are looking at a girl who spent 15 years (more really) finding comfort in food. Food was my coping mechanism. When I was upset, sad, angry, stressed (especially stressed)... I ate. Ice cream, sugar, fatty foods, comfort foods. Mac N Cheese, fried chicken, steak, loaded mashed potatoes, the fattier, the more sugar, the more salt, the more calories... the better.

   And I wallowed in that. I buried my emotions in food.

   But with the changes I've made, I don't do that anymore. At all. Seriously. I'm not denying that the occasional pint of ice cream finds its way into my belly... BUT I budget calories for it.. it's not just a fly-by-night whim that I indulge because I'm having a bad day.

   And the truth is, any emotional eater will tell you there is something distinctly comforting about scarfing sugar-laden, fatty foods (secretly of course) on TOP of whatever you already ate during the day. Now, granted as a recovering emotional eater, I can also say it's a bit disturbing too, but the point is there is comfort in those foods. So here I am, 2 and a half months in and am rolling through my days without my #1 source of comfort.

   Add to that the hormonal issues of the fact that my body and chemistry which is used to filtering chemicals and hormones through 367 pounds, is now filtering all of it through only 344 pounds (oh yeah, I'm at 23 pounds lost now... woot!). That's going to lead to some re-organization... internally. In other words... I'm a MESS. I'm emotional and moody. I'm exhausted. And on top of that I'm at a (relatively) new job, learning a whole new skill set... and encountering the busiest season that company has seen in some time. It's a lot to process without my fatty food security blanket.

   So where does that leave me?

   Well, I haven't figured that out yet. The thing is throughout this process there are going to be a lot of adjustments. Not just in my diet, in my wardrobe, in my own perceptions-- but even in the way I approach my world from an emotional standpoint. For the last year (maybe even 2), I have been in a really excellent place emotionally. Feeling confident, and strong, and really finally feeling like my life is on a path that I've chosen, rather than one I've been forced onto. But for that last year (or two) I've also still allowed myself to use food as a comfort. And maybe part of the reason I finally realized I'm ready to put that behind me is because I finally feel strong enough to be truly healthy in ways that I don't think I have ever been-- at least not for as long as I can remember.

   I think the thing I need to hold onto as I navigate through all of this is that I am strong enough for these challenges. And yes, that means I will have to find some other way to handle my stress that doesn't involve food. I have no idea what that is going to be. I don't even know where to begin. Before food (or while I was using food for many years) I was also a self-injurer. That was my other coping mechanism. I've been self-injury free for almost 4 years now... and probably the reason I got to the size I am is that I filled the coping void that not self-injuring left... with food. So now I have to re-evaluate again. I have to come up with some healthy ways to deal with my stress, with my emotions, with my insecurities. Part of the problem with that though, is that my life has been anything but normal. I have no clue what normal people do to cope with stuff. Drink? Although I do have a lovely bottle of Patron Silver in the fridge, I'd like not to make that a habit. Besides, despite enjoying tequila more than your average person-- I'd rather make it a treat than a routine, and it's a bit impractical in the middle of the day during a crisis regardless.

   Basically now, it's time to evaluate and gather some knowledge and resources. I need to figure out how to deal. Because this is not going to be a short process. From start to finish I have at least 200 pounds to lose. That doesn't happen overnight-- especially since I'm hoping to do this without surgery. There is a lot of learning to do in this process, and while a lot of it I can do on my own or with the help of a physician, the emotional stuff is going to require a different approach.

  Therapy? Maybe. But aside from a brief foray into group therapy in my late teens, I've never really had much success with therapy. Of course I'm a very different person now... so maybe therapy would be a different experience now too.

  For now, I'm going to focus on my successes, both personal and professional. I'm going to focus on my achievements. I'm going to focus on how far I've come in the last couple of years, in the last few months. I'm going to focus on the person I've finally started to understand and appreciate...

Me.

Week Nine Ends, Week 10 Begins

2010-06-28T22:01:00.000-05:00

Ok... so that last entry... was the good stuff. But to be fair it wasn't all flowers and puppies these last 2 weeks.

I had some pain and frustration too, some of it weight related, and some of it not. I mentioned that this is our busy season at work... our CRAZY busy season. Serious stress and a lot of wicked weird hours spent working... at work AND at home. Yes, remote access... straddling the line between blessing and curse since the invention of remote networking. And because of the constant stress, I'm revisiting some of my natural anxieties, and finding that my threshold for my own personal dysfunctions is minimal at best.

The point is, although the weight stuff as a process has been as painless as it's ever been, my self-consciousness about my weight is at an all-time high. I have always been self-conscious about my size... it's something I should be used to. But it feels like lately it's worse than ever.

I was talking to a friend about some of the things I'll do once I lose the weight, and I realized how much of myself I put on a shelf because I'm embarrassed about how I look. I feel like the more weight I lose... the more self-conscious I get-- which is so counter-productive in so many ways.

   Part of my drive to lose weight is because I want to be able to live a different kind of life than the hermitude I've been living for so many years. But even with that drive I am still so reluctant to break free in so many ways. My boss asked me the other day if I'd lost weight. Which was nice, for a couple of reasons-- but primarily because even though she knows I've been trying, I know she wouldn't have asked if it wasn't noticeable. And I was so excited about that. But then of course I look in the mirror and I still see this fat suit that I carry around with me and I'm discouraged that it's not happening faster.

   I'm still at 21.6 lbs by the way. Yup. Stuck. Already. But past experience from the last 2 months has shown that those numbers WILL change. And if I keep doing what I've been doing-- they will start going back down again.

   I am so aware though, of my presence in the spaces I inhabit. So aware of my many chins, my flabby arms, my giant thighs. I am aware of the fact that my stomach is in the way of everything I try to do, and that my knees and hips ache with even the slightest movement above and beyond what is required to get through my day.

   And even though I'm long over feeling fat on the inside... I am painfully, screamingly aware of the fat that I still carry around every single day. Since I'm feeling insecure and exposed anyway.. here's a little bit of what's been in my head this week... (hey, I promised you honesty... so here's honest). I've been dwelling on some old issues... feeling like I'm not good enough, that I won't be good enough. That I just won't be ... enough. Feeling insignificant and unwelcome. At the same time in some places I feel like the center of attention, as though everyone is staring at me, judging my body. These are things that I banished (or thought I'd banished) long ago. I'm a person who claims not to care what others think of me-- or at least what they think of my looks. And yet, after a FABULOUS haircut yesterday... I still can't stand having a picture taken-- because said fabulous haircut? Is still attached to my fat face.

   I know these things will change, not just physically, but emotionally. I have banished these insecurities before and I will do again. As I said earlier, I think a lot of the negative thought is coming on the heels of my work stress. My last job (while the ending was less than ideal) afforded me a lot of confidence. I was good at it, I knew what I was doing, and I enjoyed it on a daily basis. It gave me the space to build myself up from the inside out. And while I like this job too-- it's not something that I feel super confident about yet-- I'm still too new. And the pressure of it on a daily basis... well fighting that takes all the energy I used to use to bolster my own self-esteem. What does that mean exactly? It means that for the first time since I started this venture I'm tempted to use food as an emotional tool rather than a physical one.

  So far, I've managed to fight that. Mostly. I'm giving in to more fatty foods, but still balancing them within my day and week so that I'm not going over my daily maximums. But where I was coming in well under my maximums before... now I'm more like.. butting up against them. Another side-effect... I keep forgetting to weigh myself in the mornings. Something I was doing religiously for 8 weeks, this last week specifically- I've forgotten 3 out of the last 7 days to get on the scale. Part of that I think is because I'm getting up earlier, not sleeping well, and heading into work instead of taking the usual 15-20 minutes of relax-time that I used to. But part of it is I'm also sort of afraid of the scale again. Not because I think it will have gone back up... I don't. I know that I'm still doing well enough with my food that I shouldn't re-gain the weight I've lost... at least not significantly. But I am afraid of the stagnation. I'm afraid to see the same number 2 days in a row, or 3... or 5. Afraid to see the same number for a week.

   I've lost a net of 21.6 pounds and I'm not ready for that plateau. Because how sad would that be? I know that part of it is that I need to start adding actual exercise to this equation... but my body is making that so difficult.

   We went to see Wicked the other night at Dallas Music Hall... and at the 2 minute warning towards the end of intermission, I found myself still in the bowels of the building, having just exited the bathroom lobbies. To get to my seat on time I found myself rushing, jogging through the lobbies, and sprinting up the stairs. By the time I got back to my friends I was mortified-- gasping loudly for breath, and nursing biting pains in my right knee. Just one of the many times I've been horrifyingly self-aware of what I lug around. And I'm still put-out emotionally by the experience... still disappointed at my body's response. Although I'm used to my lack of fitness, used to seeing someone I don't recognize in the mirror, it's been awhile since I've felt that so acutely. Embarrassed isn't even the word. Fortunately, I was with dear friends who know and love me and have never once made me feel as though my weight mattered one fig to them.

   They asked if I was alright, allowed me to catch my breath, and one was even kind enough to allow me a sip of her drink. I can still feel that sensation though- the horror of feeling watched, every jiggle of ever bit of fat, the sharp pains in my knee as I clambered up the steps... and the flush of embarrassment, and the crashing of my chest... trying desperately to get enough air.

   I hate that life. I hate that body. The one that isn't me. As disconnected as I feel from that physicality, I'm still so attached to the emotional negativity that comes with it. It's such a contrast to what I want to be, what I want to feel.

   Lately, I've been getting into the burlesque circuit down here in Dallas. Since we started going to shows I am ceaselessly amazed at how confident these women are. There are girls of all shapes and sizes (some even larger than I am) who get on stage and undress to cheers and applause and riotous support from the audience. The women, particularly the big girls are beautiful, and fiery, and confident, and are just as popular (if not often more so!) than their thinner counterparts. I never cease to be amazed as they shake what they've got and crowds go wild. And although I don't cast any aspersions on women of any variety who find their power in shakin booty and stripping their gloves off (among other things)-- I wish I could tap into their brains and understand. How. How? HOW!

   With the exception of my most recent bout of self-doubt, I'd consider myself a fairly confident person, and fairly comfortable with myself and how I exist in physical space. But these women defy every iota of doubt I have about my own appearance. And I wish that I could leech that essence. I wish that I could be that comfortable with my appearance.. with my fat, and cottage cheese thighs, with my dangling "helens" on my upper arms, with my fat stomach and sagging chest. I don't want to be a burlesque dancer-- don't get me wrong. What I want is to be so comfortable with all of those things that I COULD get up and dance (assuming I could actually dance.. which I can't).

   I know that losing all this weight is not going to magically make me comfortable in my skin. That's something I'm going to have to continue working on throughout this process. I guess this is just the week where I start mucking through some of my emotional baggage. As mom always said... "this too shall pass." I know I will work through all of this. I know that in the end I will be a better, healthier, more confident, more fit person... inside and out.

   But right now... I kind of want some ice cream.

   Too bad I didn't save enough calories for that. Instead, I'm chewing on my fiber supplement gummies and taking my decidedly still-fat ass... to bed.

Week Eight Ends, Week Nine Begins... 2 Months Complete

2010-06-20T20:11:00.001-05:00

   Well... this weekend marked a major milestone. I've been working on this little personal project (if you will) for a full 2 months. In that time I have (as of yesterday... the 2 month mark to the day) lost 21.6 pounds.

   Now, it's not a monumental amount, especially when you consider that I have about 200 more to lose. But for someone who's biggest loss in the last 5 years was probably all of about 10 pounds, and purely accidental... 21.6 in 8 weeks is nothing to sneeze at!

   From day one it's been very up and down. I'll lose a few pounds at a time.. then gain back 1, lose 3, gain 4. Up and down and up and down... which does get a little frustrating... but I think that's more a hazard of the fact that I weigh myself daily, rather than say-- once a week.

   Of course, as my weight goes down-- my maximum calorie goal goes down as well. I try very hard to stick with whatever the lowest level I've hit is and stick with that. So that even if my weight goes back up 2 pounds, I'll still keep the calorie goal from the lower weight. That way I can ensure I'm setting myself up to continue losing... and not to just-- stall in place.

   I'm keeping my routines, and continuing to pare down my splurges.

   The honest truth is... this week has a been more difficult than most. Not necessarily on the weight-loss or food front... but as a general principle. At work this is our busy season-- the time of year when people relocate like crazy.. .needing to ship their cars and execute relocations while school is out for the summer. Thanks to the economic upturn, business this year is booming-- but it makes for an extremely busy and extremely stressful workplace! Lunches are grabbed at best while working, and by the time I get home at night even if I AM hungry, I certainly don't have the energy to go out for food much less cook anything myself.

  One change I am glad of (although I'm particularly surprised by it) is my body's reaction to stress-- at least where hunger is concerned. It used to be stress made me hungry.. starved. I medicated my stress with food, full of fat and sugar and salt, I used it to numb my stresses away. Now I find myself having to be reminded to eat. And truthfully even if I remember... I find that I'm really not hungry, at least not the way I used to be. I think the thing that struck me the most was Friday night.

   I returned home from the last of 4 11.5 hour days at work and found that, as usual after work this week-- I really wan't terribly hungry. Until about 10pm. At which point I almost considered not eating at all since I needed to head to bed and be at work again at 8am on Saturday. And I sat at my desk-- angry and frustrated, for the first time since I began this process... angry and frustrated about food! In my old life, at 10pm I would have thrown on some sandals, and headed to whatever fast food joint was still open.

  But as I sat on Friday night-- trying to decide what to do I fumed that I couldn't just run to McDonalds and get food. I was angry because I hadn't had time to shop and my quick-dinner options at home were so limited. But even as I was fuming about not having something quick to eat-- it never once occurred to me to go out and GET food the way I would have before. To my mind, all the fast food joints in the county might as well have been closed. It simply wasn't an option.

   I ended up heating up some ramen noodles with a smidge of parmesan cheese. But once again I had occasion to be amazed at the change in my whole thought process about food. The old ways just aren't an option anymore.

   I did concede to one old way today. I bought a pint of ice cream... and ate the whoooole thing. But I opted for something other than my favorite Ben and Jerry's. Choosing one with 1/2 the calories from a different brand. Even when I splurge I still can't quite let go fo the new ways...

   And thank God for that. As frustrated as I was on Friday night, hungry and tired and unwilling to go back to how it used to be even for a moment-- even with all that... I don't miss the way it used to be-- not for an instant.

Week Seven Ends, Week 8 Begins

2010-06-13T21:09:00.002-05:00

There's no real post this week. No earth-shattering reason except that it's busy season at my day job and between that and a sickly kitten addition to our household... I haven't had time to sit and collect my thoughts for this little mental exercise.

So here's a quick synopsis:

I've conquered eating with my family. :w00t: Including eating with my family at Saltgrass!

Also, (thanks in small part to a 24 hour stomach bug) I lost 5.6+ pounds this week. Which puts me at a total loss of 19.4 lbs since day one. Yeah, almost 20 lbs in 7 weeks.

Oh, and I bought a pair of size 28 petite jeans today. Big girls, if you've never shopped there, check out cjbanks.com much more tailored looking clothes for sizes 14+. Online sizes up to 32w in some styles.

Prices comparable to Lane Bryant or Catherines, and I was lucky enough to find a store nearby where I could go try on jeans. The store experience was WONDERFUL. Normally I am wary of plus-girl stores staffed by skinny-minnies, but the Stick of a Girl that helped me in the store today was incredibly kind, and was able to help me without a single trace of judgement.

She went the extra mile to try and find some jeans in size 28 (knowing there weren't many jeans in ANY size left at this point in the year). Then she helped me shop online right from the store for an additional pair to ship to me for free.

Signed me up for their frequent buyer program, and was super helpful about doing the in-store online purchase too.

So, I WILL fill this in with an actual post (hopefully) this week. In the meantime-- remember to always celebrate your small victories because they're all part of the bigger picture.

So yay! Size 28 petite jeans that fit! And a 7-week, almost 20 pound loss. If I can replicate that 10 times... I'll be almost where I need to end up. And if not, at least I can keep that momentum going and work my way towards where I want to be.

Week Six Ends, Week Seven Begins

2010-06-05T23:46:00.001-05:00

Well, I knew it would happen eventually- but it was a bit frustrating to get on the scale on Monday and see that the numbers had inched ever so slightly back up.

No, I didn't get my final pound to make my loss an even fifteen. And although I've now lost most of the 4 lbs I gained back... it's hard to describe how emotional it was to see that I had gained back weight. It was particularly frustrating because I actually got a ton of exercise over the weekend! Saturday night there was a concert-- lots of dancing, darting around to get pictures, moving and grooving. Sunday I spent the day in and out of the pool most of the day, and Monday as well. So to watch that scale crawl back up... was actually sort of devastating.

And my friends and loved ones encouraged me, told me not to give up... tried to convince me that all I'd really done was start building muscle. And maybe that would be true if I'd started working out regularly... but 3 days of moderate exercise does not muscle-weight gain. Not significantly at least I don't think. Not 4 pounds worth of muscle-- as lovely as it would be to believe.

But I did love their support-- and I haven't given up! I'm still tracking every bite, still eating well, eating healthier. I've mentioned before that I am in LOVE with Green Giant's in-bag steam veggies. I can throw a bag in the microwave for 5 minutes, have 4 servings of veggies with 1 serving of chicken and a little bit of shredded parmesan cheese. I've stuffed the freezer with the veggie bags... sweet peas, sugar snap peas, red potatoes and green beans, broccoli and cheese... all the meals weigh in at fewer than 500 calories and are plenty filling.

It's my new nightly ritual really... part of the new food regime. Breakfast is my fiber bar (although I've switched to kellogg's Fiber Plus antioxidants... less sugar, fewer calories, same fiber content), lunch is whatever I feel like having for the day (although I typically rotate Panda Express... easy on the rice, my favorite Subway sandwich.. or occasionally a trip through wendy's if I'm having a fat craving). But either way, I carefully maintain my limits for the day and sometimes that means lunch out and dinner at home, and I'm ok with that.

I would love to say Hey look, another pound lost, another 5! I'd love to be sharing that my new small jeans finally fit.. or that I could even get into those new slacks that I was almost in last week... but I'm not yet. And I have discovered some kryptonite....

Eating with my family!! I love them dearly but that homecooked feeling (even if it's takeout from Soleman's and not actually homecooking....) is hard to defeat! I definitely overdid it last monday. And although it was a lot less than I USED to eat still... it was too much. And maybe part of that is probably nature and nurture issues... we as a family are great at excusing over-indulgence! It was a holiday, it was just one day... and the good news is that with my new routine-- that's actually true for me now. It was a one time, one day splurge. My concern is that it felt out of control for me... on the heels of 6 weeks of very careful control.

I will say though that as a general principle I feel better. Gain back aside, I've noticed a change in how I feel physically speaking. After the concert last Saturday I fully expected to be sore, exhausted, feeling the same kind of pain and discomfort that typically follows any kind of physical exertion in my life. I was both surprised and excited when I felt pretty good walking out to the car afterwards. I was tired, absolutely. I was sore. But in some intangible way-- it wasn't the same as it once was. And when I got up the next day I still had enough energy to hang in the pool, play some volleyball, cannonball, swim around. And the next day, I had enough energy still to do some laps in the pool, to tread water all the way around the pool in loops. And on Monday-- exhausted as I was... I still felt ... ... ... better. Healthier. More able, more capable. Stronger. I'm not ready to go out and walk around the lake every weekend. Swimming is a lot lower impact that trotting around. But, I am going to buy a new chair for my bedroom next week-- one that will allow me to use my cycle pedals finally!

So yes, it's a bit of a short blog this week. I wish I had more exciting things to talk about. But we all know this isn't an overnight sensation. 14 lb loss in a week and a half was kind of amazing. It won't all be that dramatic. But hopefully now I'm heading back in the right direction!

I'm looking forward to an excellent week... and I hope you have one too!

1 Screaming Skinny Girl... signing out. See you next week!

Week Five Ends, Week Six Begins!

2010-05-29T13:15:00.002-05:00

   Well, another week winds to a close tonight, and I'm pleased to say it's been a raging success once more!

   As of this morning I am down a total of 14.2 lbs since May 17th. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow I'll lose that last 1.2 to hit that magic 15. I don't know why it's magic. It's not really I suppose, but for as long as I've been the way I've been.. it seems like magic to me :)

   I don't really have much to say of any depth or philosophical value... my weight loss progresses, but it was a stressful work week and I'm exhausted.

   My cycle pedal machine arrived this week! Unfortunately the chair I use at my desk here is too low for me to use it! Another thing on my list of stuff-to-buy this weekend. I think one without wheels would work best. Once I've had a chance to actually USE it, I'll post a full fledged review of the thing here for those that are interested.

   And now... let's revue my stats:

   First there's the calorie counter for the last week. I told Kris tonight I'd been under 2,000 calories every day this week, but then reviewed and realized that wasn't true! I've been pretty close, except for last Friday (and tonight when I rewarded the end of a hard work week with ice cream), but I have been under my daily maximum calories each day.

Looking at it, I can see that I have been under 2,500 calories each day this week (although only by a hair today) which is kind of exciting. Of course classical health class training tells us that a standard diet is between 2,000 and 2,500 calories. I never thought I'd be in that range. Ever. The fact there is actually a day (2 actually) where I was under 2,000 is amazing to me! As I lose more weight of course that maximum recommended caloric intake goes down further and further, and I'm not sure it reflects super-accurately on that graph. But each morning I put in my new weight, I note the adjustment, and I plan my meals accordingly.

Here is a fairly typical day for me right now, food-wise:

And because of all of that, because of weeks of that now... My weight chart looks like this:

  I keep waiting for the plateau. And I know it's early... and the plateau is probably just around the next corner. There have been two small spikes, but each time the number once again went down. I suppose the more amazing thing is that each time I saw those spikes... I didn't freak out. I didn't relapse. I didn't immediately reach for the ice cream containers, and fast food. I didn't go back to sneaking extra burgers, or extra fatty meals in between my regular meals. I've stayed true. And honest. And I didn't panic. I know spikes are going to happen-- so are plateaus. It's inevitable at some point.

   The trick is not to go back to old habits when that happens. The truth is, I'm hoping that by the time I hit plateau-ville, my health insurance will have kicked in and it will be time to get my doctor involved and (at the very least) get my thyroid tested. I remain convinced that it's my thyroid causing my "fullness" issues. For about a week, maybe too it seemed as though I'd finally normalized. I'd eat, feel full, stop eating.. it was wonderful.... but then this week-- back to feeling either starved or stuffed again. It's almost as if I conquer it and then my body says... "oooooooohhhhh reaaaally? See how you like this bitch?" and goes right back to the beginning. I told Kris this week I think it's that fat girl trying to fight her way back to the forefront.

   I don't think she's quite realized she's not going to win this time. I have tools, I have power, and I'm stronger than she is. Even though this has been easy so far, I go into each day expecting it to be difficult, expecting each choice to be hard. But it's not. It might be still, as I get further into it all, but at 6 weeks, it's just as easy as day 1. Possibly getting easier-- every healthy choice I make leads to another healthy choice. Each conscious decision leads to another. I've been thinking all along that it would be really easy to go back though. To go back to not caring, to eating whatever, whenever, wherever. But I realized yesterday that's not true.

   Case in point, 2 of the delicious meals I had this week for dinner at home:

   I have fallen in love with Green Giant's vegetable steamers. I usually steam one package in the microwave, then heat up 1 serving of Target's store brand frozen grilled chicken strips, stir them together and splash on a smidge of Nature's seasons and/or some shredded parmesan cheese. The meals are fresh, delicious and seriously low in ... well.. everything! The green bean/red potato mix is particularly delicious with chicken.

   Last night when it was time to decide on dinner I had a craving for Chili's. I had the calories left to go and enjoy whatever I wanted for the day, but I suggested Panda Express instead. It involved about half the intake in almost all categories as chili's would have, and I realized once and for all that I really have made a permanent change to my life. I don't know if I'll track every morsel that goes in my life every day for the rest of my life. But I'm 99% sure that once I lose all of this weight-- I will keep it off. I've made a change that is a permanent alteration in my relationship to food. And the truth is I can still eat all the things that I want to. I could easily have gone to Chili's and probably not have overdone it as far as my food tally goes. I'd already made the decision not to smother myself with food anymore and it's working.

  All of that in spite of a return to being staved and stuffed. Guess it's time for my body to realize I'm going to win. Because let's be honest... I am in control of this. Completely.

  I'm still frustrated by my clothes. I attempted a hot water shrink of my blue jeans last wash. It didn't help much. One wear and they're back to falling off. And yet I'm still not down enough to fit into the smaller size I bought from Old Navy. In another week, I should be able to wear the slacks though (assuming my weight loss continues at a similar rate), and that's something. Jeans or no jeans, I have to say I feel like I'm losing weight, I feel lighter, and I think if this hadn't been such a stressful week at work, I'd probably have more energy too. Really, aside from the disappointing return to my fullness issues, everything feels different. Things are starting to feel right.

At least they're headed in the right direction!

Midweek Monologue #2

2010-05-24T20:39:00.003-05:00

Hey guess what!

As of this morning, I have officially lost exactly 10 full pounds.

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Ok, so that really is all I had to say. I know, it's not deep, and it's lacking in my usual philosophical wrapping paper... but it was too exciting to not post.

Tomorrow my cycle-pedal work-out machine should arrive which will allow me to work out finally!

I do have a rant about jeans but it's not terribly interesting. Let's just suffice to say that I attempted jean shopping this weekend and it did not end well.

Not because I couldn't find my size-- there were plenty of 28s... even some 28petites (yes.. short AND fat... I know it's a curse).

The problem was that the styles that were available were: 1. Boyfriend style, and 2. Skinny jeans.

We've been down this rant before. Let's just leave it at the fact that a strongly worded email is going out to Avenue to let them know exactly what I think of their new "style" options. :grrrrr:

In the meantime I continue losing weight and if I keep it up at this rate, I'll soon fit into those Old Navy jeans I didn't bother to send back :)

--An addendum:

My angry letter to Avenue Company regarding their current denim "offerings"

To Whom it May Concern, In the last few years, I've seen a disturbing trend in the plus-size women's market... at Lane Bryant, Catherine's, Fashion Bug... they've begun embracing this "right-fit" sizing which tries to convince me that I'm not a size 28, I'm a size 7, or 8 or whatever their delusion of choice is. In that time I've come to really love being able to walk into Avenue and find a pair of jeans that are just my size-- and labeled that way too! It is my first stop for jeans, and with each pair of jeans, there generally comes the purchase of at least 1 or 2 tops, the occasional pair of shoes, undies, and what have you.

However, in the last 6-8 months I've spent no money at your store. None. The thing that I need, is jeans. Boot-cut or flare leg jeans. For some reason though, the only "styles" you choose to offer us? The "boyfriend" jean, and the "skinny" jean.

Now, my first problem with this may be partly due to my being gay but #1- I don't want a boyfriend so why the hell do I want a "boyfriend" jean? If I wanted a jean styled for men.. I'd buy them in a men's store.

The second problem is with the "skinny" jean. Here's the deal-- I'm fat. I know I'm fat. my friends and family know I'm fat, my coworkers, acquaintances.. hell, strangers can tell I'm fat. I have large hips and a robust bottom. Why on earth do I want to ACCENTUATE that with tiny, tight-legged jeans that make my calves look like chicken bones?

I went into Avenue last night expecting to spend anywhere from $50 - $100 dollars. Just like I did a few months ago, and a few months before that. I did not spend a dime. I've been in the store prepared to spend $ each time and walked out without a single purchase no fewer than 5 times. No tops. No shoes... and no jeans.

And now, honestly-- I'm angry. I love Avenue, have really enjoyed the fact that as a general principle I can find cute, style-forward clothes at a really reasonable price. But the fact that you have stopped carrying boot-leg or flared-leg jeans completely is ridiculous, and in my opinion as tantamount to weightism as it is for standard designers to refuse to design and create merchandise for heavier consumers. Worse, actually since the whole purpose of your store is to serve and provide products for women from size 14-32.

Remember who your store's target demographic is. It's not the size zero, hipless, buttless barbie doll who can shop in any store in the world and find piles of clothing. You serve an under-marketed demographic. Women who can and will pay dearly for clothing that fits and flatters them. At least you used to.

Until you bring back some reasonable denim stylings... you've lost my business completely. And I'll be sure to take a few other customers with me. I'll find somewhere else to spend my money. It won't be easy, like I said you were my last refuge. But I will. We will.

Sincerely,
Sarah Cate Philipson
A once Loyal Customer waiting for change.

Week Four Ends, Week Five Begins

2010-05-21T23:20:00.011-05:00

Ok, so I've been thinking about it. I've gone on and on about how easy this has been, how simple the changes are... and something Libby said today made me think.

   6 months ago, a year ago.. hell TWO months ago I would have read this and thought yeah-- whatever, great for YOU. I've said before that my motivations for these changes are not what you would expect. I spent years knowing how bad my weight was for my health... I've spent years fearing diabetes, heart problems, cholesterol issues, high blood pressure.

   I have known intimately the risk of being overweight. My adopted mom died in part because she was too heavy still for them to perform a transplant. It wasn't the primary cause-- but it was part of a larger problem. I have a 34 year old friend who recently had a heart attack. He is recovering, but he too has struggled with severe obesity and despite having lost more than 200 lbs... the damage to his heart was so bad from all those years of being overweight that they reported a 95, 98, and 100% blockage in various arteries. At age 34.

   I have seen up close the damage that excess weight can do to a body at the level of weight that I carry. That was not enough to get me off my ass to make changes.

   Intellectually I have always known I needed to make changes, that I needed to get myself in gear and change the way I live, and especially-- the way I eat. But it is not something that happens just because you know it should.

  I was talking to a coworker today about my turnaround and admitted I've said for years, known and wanted for years, to change my life. But that I could not fathom actually doing it until I started this process in April. Why?

   I don't know. I guess for me it really was about making the connection between my body and my spirit, and about realizing what a disconnect suddenly existed there.

  Libby chided me (gently) that other overweight folks reading this blog will do as I would have done and wave their hands at me, sigh in frustration and be unable to relate. I can't change that. I have read blogs and books and treatises. I have heard from doctors and friends and loved ones. I have known intimately for years that I need to make these changes. But the thing is, as I told my coworker-- no one can actually make it happen but me. No one can motivate you to make the ultimate decision to alter your life but YOU.

   One of my all-time favorite quotes is, "I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul." William Ernest Henley. And I believe that now more than ever. I've blogged before about my life, and how I grew up feeling like a fat girl. But you should probably know that along with that came a crippling social anxiety disorder, severe depression, even self-injury. I was a pretty messed up chicky for a lot of years. And people used to say, "it'll get better you'll see..." or "you can get better, it won't always be this way," or "someday this will all just be something to learn from." And in that moment, in the midst of it all, the only thing I could think in response was, "bull. shit."

But one day, I realized that I could be stronger than my anxiety. I realized how much I was missing every. single. day. by letting my life be ruled by my panic and terror and discomfort. And I decided I was tired of living that way. Now-- keep in mind too that I was on anti-anxiety meds daily for a loooong time before I felt strong enough to take control without them, and I consider myself very lucky and very blessed that I am able to function, and function well without them. And I firmly believe if you need medication to live a happy healthy life that you should take it! I am certainly not anti-meds. But for me, I am proud and happy to be able to say that even without medication I control my anxiety disorder... it doesn't control me.

   And now, by the grace of God-- or whatever you happen to believe in-- I control my food-life as well. And the taking of those reigns was similar to taking control of my anxiety. But the bottom line is nobody convinced me to do it. No one talked me into it. No one was able to motivate me to take the reigns. I had to make that decision myself. I had find the place inside myself that said, "enough is enough." And once I found that the rest became easy.

   I still struggle... both with my food and my anxiety to be honest. And a lot of the issues with my anxiety are still tied up in my weight. I am acutely aware of the limitations of my body and it makes me self-conscious. But when you boil it all down-- this change has been and continues to be........ easy.

And now, I even have a routine in place.

Weekdays:

-Wake up 8:00am.
-Pit Stop
-Weight taking and recording
-Shower, dress, etc.
-8:30ish on the road to work: Eat Fiber One Oats and Chocolate Bar for breakfast
-9am-12:30 work (1 can of diet coke)
-12:30-1:30 Lunch of my choosing (usually Subway these days although not always)
-1:30-6pm work (occasionally a nature valley granola bar snack, or Special K bar)
-6:30-8:00pm home/dinner of whatever. (Dinner generally depends on how many calories I have left after tracking my food for the day)
-9:00pm relaxing at home, 4 fiber advance gummies, 2 VitaFusion Multi Vite gummies (yes, I take gummy supplements instead of pills. I hate pills. Sorry!)

   I've been trying to get better about going to bed earlier, but that doesn't always happen (I'm sort of an insomniac by nature). And throughout my day I am constantly drinking water as well. I've actually stopped tracking my water intake because I'm well above the minimum 64oz. requirement at this point.

   And after doing all of that as my regular routine for less than a week... here is the result based on daily weight-taking:

   BTW... Because I know that is teeny tiny... You're looking at a net loss of 7 whole lbs. SEVEN. From May 17th to the morning of May 21st, 7 pounds. Amazing what adding your full daily recommended dose of fiber can do eh?

   Ok, it's more than just the fiber, we all know that. And I realize that seems like a lot to drop in such a short period of time but there are a few of things to consider here.

1. I have been embracing these changes for a full month now, but only weighed myself on the 17th.

2. In addition to adding fiber, reducing salt, sugar, carbs, and calories, I've also being drinking tons of water.

3. I've greatly reduced the quantities of food that I eat in general-- across the board.

4. I started out at 367 pounds. That's disturbingly heavy. The heavier you are, the faster the weight comes off at first.

5. The first time I weighed myself it was at night... all my subsequent weights have been taken first thing in the morning. So really we're probably talking about a general loss of about 3 or 4 pounds, not a full 7.

   But here's more... this is the chart tracking my caloric intake day by day for the last week:

   Each day after I weigh myself, I enter that weight at the daily plate, and it adjusts my calorie goal. I don't know that it's specifically reflected in this little chart, but if you look closely you'll see that regardless.. I have been at or under (in some cases quite a bit under) that red target line. In fact, on the 16th and 19th I was actually under 2000 calories total.

   My eventual target is probably going to be around the 2,000 calorie mark which is I believe fairly standard. And really all I've done this week is prove to myself how attainable that is.

  I am surprised constantly, at how easy the choice part of all of this has been for me. This evening Kris and I were discussing dinner options and she mentioned that our favorite cashier was back at Corner Bakery. He has been at a downtown location for quite some time and we had sort of stopped visiting our favorite because he was no longer there. Now that he's back my first reaction was... let's go to Corner Bakery for dinner!! But then as I drove home thinking about it I realized... I don't really like their salads. And what I would really want to eat-- would be my favorite Pesto Cavatappi. Since I did NOT have subway for lunch, that calorie level was not really left in my plan for the day. So I suggested we go next week sometime when I'd had a more sensible lunch and could plan in the meal more carefully.

   Once she got done being shocked, Kris agreed and supported my decision. Do I regret not having Pesto Cavatappi for dinner tonight? mmmmmm Yes. I love their pasta. But do I regret that more than I would have regretted coming home to enter the information and seeing that green bar shoot over my red line? No. Absolutely not. Because to me, my health and my goals are more important than the immediate gratification that comes with eating whatever I want whenever I want it. And for those few of you that know me well-- you know what a major change that is.

   Although, those of you that know me that well are probably still stuck at the note in my daily routine where I mention my one can of diet coke. I am a self-professed caffeine junkie. I do enjoy coffee drinks (the fatty tasty ones of course), but I live on diet coke. And it is more than just the soda itself, my regular consumption of large amounts of caffeine also helps keep my migraines at bay-- which is something I'm going to have to start evaluating in the next week or so once the caffeine withdrawal starts to hit me and those migraines start creeping up. But for now, I am adjusting to the lack of caffeine and finding that with my diet suddenly infused with fruit and veg and fiber... I actually am not missing the energy-boost that much. In fact, if I could get my sleep schedule in a little tighter control, my energy issues would probably take care of themselves.

  Overall this week has been possibly the most positive of all. I took a lot of risks this week emotionally. Measuring-- and more importantly posting my weight so publicly is something that I have sworn for years would never ever happen. But I have not lost a minute of sleep over it. I have not wasted a moment worrying about what anyone will think. Because as I said to Libby during our talk-- at this point I know what that number is. It's a number. It's not ME. I am not 367.4 pounds. I am simply carrying 367.4 pounds. It doesn't define me... it just explains where I've begun.

   My goals are not about my weight per se. There is no magic weight goal in my mind. There isn't even a magic pant-size goal. I think I'll know when I've gotten to where I want to be. When I can be as active as I want to be. When I can participate in the parts of life that I miss out on now because of my size or fitness level. When I can walk into a room and feel comfortable in my skin because it fits me...then it will be enough. It may be that the number that coincides with that is 130 pounds... it could even be 160 pounds. I've said all along this is not about what I weigh... this is about how I feel.

  That is my motivation. And if you're reading this in a body that frustrates you, carrying extra weight, carrying all of your own baggage, carrying your past metaphorically or physically... if you're reading this thinking, "well that's all very well for you bitch..." then I'm praying for you the way I used to pray for me. Praying that someday you will see that we are more than where we began. Praying that someday you will see that inside you is a beautiful person waiting to be recognized by no one other than you. I'm praying that your revolution arrives just when you need it. That it takes you by the hand and makes the pathway to your true self as simple as mine has become.

You control your own fate. You are the master of your own destiny.

A Midweek Monologue...

2010-05-17T23:27:00.002-05:00

Ok, so it's not technically mid-week since it's only Monday... but my weight loss tracking weeks go from Saturdays to Fridays so it's mid-weekish to me. But something sort of important has happened and I need to talk about it.

Among the things I purchased this week...

A scale.

The first scale I've owned in more than 5 years...

The first scale I've stepped on in almost 2 years...

And I thought it would be a lot harder than it was. I've been putting off my "before" weigh-in because I've been terrified of that number. When I signed up for The Daily Plate... I guestimated. And although I'm not sure if I'm pleased or horrified-- I was only off by 2 pounds.

And I also know that as recently as Friday I said I wouldn't post that number. But the truth is.. how can I be held accountable for this if I don't allow other people to know where I've begun?

It's an extension of the reasoning that led to my buying the scale in the first place. How can I know how far I've gone if I don't know where I started?

So much of this journey is because I feel like this body does not belong to me. That it doesn't reflect who I am on the inside. So that number on the scale... isn't really MY weight. It's the weight of the fat girl I've already excised from my heart and mind. So that number actually has very little to do with ME.

It's just the place where I begin.

367.2 lbs.

This is where I begin.

But don't blink, I won't be here for long.

Week Three Ends, Week Four Begins

2010-05-15T12:36:00.003-05:00

Well, I've survived the 3rd week of my new Life! It hasn't been easy-- mostly because for mother's day we're big fans of big texas steaks on the BBQ (even if it is raining!!)

So here's the rundown... tracking my food is going well at daily plate but I can tell even at this early stage I'm going to need more help and guidance than just a food-tracker. I'm having a hard time planning and arranging meals to meet but not exceed my needs in various nutritional arenas.

Now... although I've blanked out the actual # info (look, I'm honest but I'm not ready for that much sharing yet...) you can see what I mean... I'm doing (mostly) well on my caloric intake...

Ok, there are admittedly, 2 blips over the line, the biggest being on Mother's Day (hey, I'm a Texan ... steak is like-- a sacred meal ok, maybe not but my fat girl got a little loud on that one).

Anyway, I'm not as concerned about the caloric intake since, as a general rule, I'm actually doing pretty well meeting and staying under the target for the amount of weight I want to lose. Where I'm really struggling is getting the balances right on other intakes...

As I write this, it is late thursday night, and you can see that I have already had 100% (or more) of the recommended fat, cholesterol, sodium, and protein.

But, to my surprise, I'm only at 41% of my weekly carbs (I've been trying to watch those especially) and I need to boost my fiber a LOT. The protein I think is primarily because of the steak on Sunday night, and the cholesterol is probably because of the hard-boiled eggs I've snacked on this week.

So I am re-organizing my shopping plan for this week (at least a little bit). I want to look into a fiber supplement to add to my daily routine, and apparently I don't need to be quite as stingy with the carbs as I originally thought. Cholesterol, Fat, and Sodium particularly will be on watch (I don't think the protein will be an issue next week as I don't have any plans for giant steak in my schedule this week).

Here is my shopping list for the week:

Kiwi,

Bananas,

Fiber Supplement,

a new chillable lunch container

A paring knife (for the kiwi mostly)

I've been doing some research about good foods. Things that taste good and are good for you... Imagine my delight to read the following about Kiwi fruit (my undeniably favorite snack fruit!)

"Kiwifruit

This tiny, nutrient-dense fruit packs an amazing amount of vitamin C (double the amount found in oranges), has more fiber than apples, and beats bananas as a high-potassium food. The unique blend of phytonutrients, vitamins, and minerals found in kiwifruit helps protect against heart disease, stroke, cancer, and respiratory disease. Kiwifruit's natural blood-thinning properties work without the side effects of aspirin and support vascular health by reducing the formation of spontaneous blood clots, lowering LDL cholesterol, and reducing blood pressure. Multiple studies have shown that kiwifruit not only reduce oxidative stress and damage to DNA but also prompt damaged cells to repair themselves.

Kiwifruit are often prescribed as part of a dietary regimen to battle cancer and heart disease, and in Chinese medicine they are used to accelerate the healing of wounds and sores.

How much: Aim to eat one to two kiwifruit a day while they're in season, for the best taste and nutrition. California-grown kiwifruit are in season from October through May, and New Zealand kiwifruit are available between April and November.

Tips: Kiwifruit contain enzymes that activate once you cut the fruit, causing the flesh to tenderize. So if you're making a fruit salad, cut the kiwifruit last.

The riper the kiwifruit, the greater the antioxidant power, so let them ripen before you dig in."

Now, that last part makes me a bit sad, as I like my kiwi just a smidge unripe (I love the tartness!), but I'll learn to eat them a little bit softer I suppose. Broccoli apparently is a bit amazing as well, which is fine as I enjoy it in just about everything really.

--Friday--

Of course there's more to this little revolution that just what went in my body. So here's some of the philosophical things I've come up against this week.

I was talking to Libby again this week, and we were once again discussing the disconnect between mind and body, about feeling fat vs. being fat etc. Another friend of hers who was heavier like I am said she had never felt fat, had not really felt the size she knew logically that she was. She found herself misjudging the space that her body required. She would run into things, bump into people-- because her mind perceived her body to be smaller than it actually was.

It may sound weird for someone who is used to being in their body, who has felt in tune with it for years-- if not their whole life... but it made complete sense to me. If for no other reason than I've recently become so aware of it myself. I've said time and time again that (until recently) I have always felt fat. And for years now my body has matched that. I've been acutely aware of how much space my body takes up. I have always tried to leave extra space between myself and others, have resisted spaces I felt were too small for me even if they may have actually been big enough.

But right around the time I had my great revelation about myself, I started to run into things. A lot. Now, I'm definitely a klutz... anyone that knows me could tell you that. I trip on my own feet, on carpet, on tile, on pretty much nothing at all. And I do tend to run into things on my left side as I'm blind in that eye.

But right now both arms sport some unusual bruises, and I've a few more bumps on my thighs and hips, and even my stomach is sporting some new scrapes and bumps. And it wasn't until Libby and I were talking about her friend not recognizing the space her body occupied that I realized-- the way I perceive myself has changed. Completely. I no longer have a connection to how large I am. I am frustrated repeatedly by the space my stomach alone occupies, and if I run into the cubicle wall around John's desk on my way back from the copier one more time I might scream!

These are not problems the "fat" me had. If I ran into something, it's because it was on the left and I didn't see it... or because I was forced to be in a space that really was too close and small for my body. ... Or because I was having a klutzy moment.

But in general... "fat" me was pretty good about getting around, in and out, being in her own space and knowing the boundaries of that. The me that is fat but doesn't feel fat-- not so much. I'll admit, that's where the pace of this whole revolution gets a little frustrating. I know that what I'm doing will take time-- quite a bit probably. My expectations for my actual weight loss I think are pretty reasonable. I also know that if I lose this weight slowly and steadily instead of all at once with many plateaus, I'm more likely to keep it off because I'll have to change my lifestyle and habits to make it happen. But because it will take time it means most likely, I'm going to have to get used to running into things.

On the plus side... I've got concrete proof that this whole change has really taken hold. A brief stop for dinner supplies last night brought home an ice cream treat. I decided it had been a long week and I wanted some ice cream. I also bought an apple tray. 2 kinds of apple slices and a container of low-fat caramel sauce. When dinner was done and I wanted a treat... I chose the apples. Not out of a desire to have a healthier dessert... but because they sounded tastier than the ice cream.

Once again, a week of pluses and minuses. But that's to be expected. This isn't an overnight success story, nor something I've started that I'll give up at the first hint of difficulty. This is just the beginning of a long haul that will end with me once again feeling like me... and looking like me too!

Week Two Ends, Week Three Begins

2010-05-07T22:28:00.003-05:00

Well, week two of my personal food revolution is drawing to a close, and with week three breaking in the morning, I'm finding a lot of positives to look back on this week. I'm still really struggling with the starving/stuffed dilemma... but there has been a LOT of progress on that front!

   My "stuffed" is coming a lot sooner than it used to. Tuesday's dinner consisted of some leftover sandwich, 2 servings of veggies, 3 kiwi, and 2 low-sodium cheese sticks. And I sat, about 1.5 hours later, still stuffed.

   On one hand it was kind of encouraging-- because the honest truth is that's about half of the food I would have eaten in my "fat" life. But now, that's just not enough as it turns out-- it's more than enough. Maybe it was that 3rd kiwi. Regardless, I think I can afford to reduce more than I originally estimated.

   Monday night, we went to my favorite chinese buffet- a strategical error perhaps. I still did tons better than I used to... but I don't think I'm ready for regular patronage at buffets. It's not so much anything emotional as it is that regardless of my need and desire to eat better-- I do truly love food. And going somewhere with relatively unlimited access to food I love... probably not the best idea. Like I said, strategical error. I did set a limit for mysefl and stuck to it, but it needed to be a smaller limit. Live. Learn... and then eat less!

   I have to admit I'm pretty happy about that little development

   My healthy snacking, btw... is kicking butt! Except that I need more kiwi. Turns out I'm sort of a fruit and veggie slut! I actually chose to have corn for dessert one night instead of ice cream. Seriously. Chose. And was excited about it.

   At work I'm munching on fruit or low-sodium, low-fat cheese selections in between breakfast and lunch and between lunch and dinner. One thing I've noticed though, especially today when I managed without anything between breakfast and lunch, although I am still hungry most of the time, it's not the same kind of biting painful hunger that it was last week.

   This week I also started another step in what will no doubt be a looong process: I started tracking not just what I ate, but the nutritional content therein. My weapon for this?

The Daily Plate!

   A few friends and acquaintances had pointed out the Daily Plate to me when I mentioned I was starting this little journey but when my best of best friends sent me the link, I finally checked it out. Now, since I announced I've been using it there have been a plethora of opinions about it's effectiveness and even accuracy-- but for a novice calorie counter? This has been a huge help to me. I said for years that I would never be one of those people that counted every calorie, and probably in the past I wouldn't have, but this makes it so so simple. It has nutritional info for a wide range of well-known restaurants and food brands, and the option to enter caloric information manually as well, so if something isn't listed you can add in the info from the packaging directly.

   I do realize there is much much more to losing this weight than just tracking and reducing my caloric intake. But that's a big part of it for me, and this makes that so much easier to do. I also liked that you can select your "activity" level and that one of those choices is actually "sedentary, little or no activity on a daily basis." My goal of course is to not be sedentary. I chose (accurately I think) the "office" action level. I walk around the office, park away from the door of the places I'm going (now), but other than that I don't have a lot of activity going on at the moment. As I start to lose some weight and can move more, I will absolutely be making strides (no pun intended) to inject actual exercise into my life. But that step is not happening right now.

   But, back to the point of the Daily Plate... there's a great wealth of information on a lot of common food places and meals, but I've discovered it's a really good idea to double check the "meal" you've chosen and make sure the ingredients line up with what you actually ate and adjust accordingly. I found that I had actually selected a "meal" that was about 120 calories more than I'd eaten... due to toppings and various other options that I had not added to my own meal.

   I don't take it as gospel, and I'm still focusing on improving WHAT I eat as well, reducing fast foods, increasing my veggies and fruit, balancing my proteins better and trying to get a handle on my serious addiction to Carbs.

   So far it's still a work in process, as this is wont to be. But with each day it gets a little easier, and every tool I collect makes that even better.

   Of course all of that is fantastic... but there are minuses too this week, and I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention them.

   I had some excitement last week, where I finally felt I'd found a good resource for (in particular jeans!) good fat clothes. One resource: Old Navy which since the last time I shopped online has expanded their plus size section :w00t!:

   I have always had a really hard time with Jeans... once upon a time I had only one pair to use (much to my best friend's chagrin), and now I'm pretty much back to that... much to my own. The jeans I currently wear are HUGE... big enough that I have actually sewn the zipper shut to keep it from falling down from lack of tension. If I'm not careful, in a few more pounds they may actually be big enough to fall off of my body. Now, I'm not complaining about shrinking out of my jeans... but for some reason finding new ones is ridiculously difficult for me!

   Lane Bryant and Fashion Bug (my 2 favorite go-tos for fat clothes) have instituted "right size" sizing in their jean lines. Basically, instead of having it be a 14/16... it's now a size 1.

Seriously?

No, seriously?

   Ok look, calling it a 7 doesn't fool me. I still know it should be a 26/28. This re-labeling redesign has accomplished 2 things. #1 they've redesigned the denim lines with different "fit' zones as well, so you're supposed to go in and get measured to determine which one is the best fit for you. And #2 they've reduced the size range that they carry in the stores to begin with.

   Now, if you're a fat girl, if you've ever been a fat girl, if you have issues with your weight even if you're not a fat girl-- please tell me I'm not alone in this. Do they honestly, honestly truly think I am going to haul my fat ass into a store to get it measured for JEANS? I can't even bear to get on a scale alone in my room with only the dog to watch me! But to go to a store and have some stranger actually measure me? For a pair of freaking jeans? I'm sorry. No. Jeans should be the LEAST stressful part of your wardrobe, outside of comfy pants of course.

   So boom, no buying jeans at Fashion Bug or Lane Bryant. So that leaves... Avenue and Catherine's. Avenue does actually carry real sizes, and generally they "carry" my size, although it tends to sell out quickly. But in addition, I'm not a huge fan of their denim. Right now in stores it's all about 2 styles:

1. The "skinny" jean. Again-- seriously? A "skinny" jean at a fat girl store? Wrong. Just... wrong.

2. The "boyfriend" jean. Now, maybe this is where my little queer brain is a bit off the beaten path but.. I don't want a boyfriend... why the hell would I want a "boyfriend" jean. If I wanted a "boyfriend" jean, I'd go buy mine in the men's section. Nuff said!

   So now I'm left with only online options and with women's sizes being nowhere near standardized, that means I could need a jean sized anywhere from 24 to 32... depending on who it comes from. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous and insanely frustrating.

   So I took the plunge, and ordered 2 pair of jeans from Old-Navy in each of 2 sizes. I also ordered a pair of black slacks, as my work pants have seen better days. THe good news, I suppose, is that the slacks are pretty damn close. I'll be keeping them for when I lose the first few pounds, I can get them on, even fastened-- but they're pretty tight at the waist still. Not for long though, so into the closet they go.

   The jeans however... :sigh: Well-- it was worth a shot. I suppose now I'm facing the dilemma of do I send them back and exchange for the larger size that probably will fit? Or do I hold onto them as "goal" jeans?

   I'm probably going to send them back. I need jeans now! I can buy goal jeans in a store any day of the week if I want to.

   I suppose though that frustrating is more about the women's clothing industry than about my actual weight loss journey. Because the truth is for my part I really am doing some amazing things on this little road-trip to skinny.

   Tonight we went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. Instead of gorging on chips while I waited for the main course, I had about 4 chips, then sat and waited. I got beef fajitas, loaded a tortilla with meat and onion, some guacamole and a sliver of sour cream, and enjoyed it immensely. Did that with a 2nd tortilla to finish up the meat (I'm trying to rebalance out my protein vs. carb ratios), then had about 3 more chips with some of the beans and guac and another sliver of sour cream... and left everything else-- including the 3rd tortilla, and probably 80-90% of the sour cream.

   And you know what? I didn't miss any of it. I didn't miss the 3rd tortilla, didn't miss the bowlful of chips, didn't miss the regret that used to come with cleaning my plate. Because I had enough to eat... but not too much. And my roommate slash fairy-godmother nearly dropped dead when I said no thank you to the sour cream from her plate that I would once have scarfed without a second thought. Was shocked again when she realized I'd left so much of my own sour cream too!

   And so... week 2 of project skinnygirlscreams comes to a close. I'm looking forward to my veggie dessert later on, and seeing what progress the next week will bring to me. Or rather, what success I will bring to myself, because this change isn't something that is happening to me... it's something I'm creating for myself.

   Because I am stronger than my shell and I will not ignore the skinny girl inside who is screaming to get out!

Week One Ends, and Week Two Begins

2010-05-02T14:42:00.007-05:00

It's official. 1 week. The first week is over. I thought it would be a lot harder, to be honest. When I made the decision to really and truly revolutionize my eating life, I knew it would be hard. I knew it would frustrating, that I would be tempted at every turn to go back, I knew it was easier to let the fat girl win and just keep on doing what I've always done.

Fortunately, only one of those things proved to be true. It is frustrating. But to everyone's surprise (mine most of all!) it is the easiest change I've ever made. And although I have had moments of temptation-- it is not a constant struggle to make myself stop eating when I should be full, not a constant struggle to evict unnecessary food from my life, not a constant struggle to avoid sliding backwards.

And although that fat girl screams like hell, it turns out that I am finally stronger than she is. I went grocery shopping today with healthy intentions-- not for the first time I suppose, but this time with the willpower to follow through.

My haul:

2 32oz water bottles

Low-Sodium cheese sticks

Light Baby Bell Cheese rounds

Light Laughing cow wedges

Apples

Bananas

Kiwi

3 different kinds of individual-serving steam trays of veggies

And 2 different kinds of granola bars:

-Special K Chocolately Pretzel flavored cereal bars

-Nature Valley Chewy Yogurt (vanilla and strawberry)

I tried both different packs today and they're actually tasty! Also, at work I have a big thing of cashews that I munch on 2 or 3 at a time when I get really hungry.

I brought in my old insulated lunch pack so I can freeze it overnight and then load it with fruit and cheese to take to work for during the day.

I'm hoping that will help with some of the biting hunger that's been frustrating me so much.

The problem with never feeling full is it makes it hard to know when to stop eating. Eventually this process for me will be more measured and structured. It will probably involving counting calories and servings, fats and sugars. But to start with I needed to see if I can handle just-- being hungry. Because even if this whole revolution ends up in the hands of a doctor and a nutritionist (which it no doubt will once my health insurance kicks in), it's going to involve a certain amount of restriction... and for someone who doesn't feel "full"... that means getting used to feeling hungry.

And it's been easier than I thought. Frustrating? Yes. Absolutely-- but not for the reason you think. It's not the hunger itself that's frustrating, it's not the biting, gnawing, I want (but don't need) food feeling. It's the knowledge that I still have the feeling-- when I've had enough food. It's the battle between logic and stomach. It's knowing I've eaten enough that I should feel full but I don't. That's what's frustrating. As it turns out-- I can handle being hungry.

Maybe it's because I have such an appreciation for why it's necessary right now to be so. Maybe it's because I'm more logical than I give myself credit for. Maybe it's because somewhere deep down where I can't feel it I am full. Whatever the reason, I've picked a line at every meal and when I hit it, I stop eating. For right now it's enough change to make a difference, any change will make a difference.

So restriction was the first change... maybe restriction is the wrong word. Reduction? Better.

(as an in the moment aside, I just finished 1/2 of my water intake for the day.. time start on the 2nd 32oz)

Back to reduction. No matter what turn the actual nutrition of this whole thing ends up taking, eating LESS of whatever is going to be part of it. And after this week I at least know that I can handle that.

A small synopsis of the changes that were made in the last week:

1. Major Portion Reduction

-it's actually my goal right now to leave some food behind at each meal. Instead of eating until I'm stuffed, I eat until it seems as though I should be full-- then I stop. Sometimes that means feeling a little hungry still. I'm dealing with it. And I'm not starving myself, trust me, I am still eating plenty.

2. Liquid Intake

-I've been drinking a lot more water this week than I usually do. I finally have 32oz water bottles, so now I'm going to be a 64oz a day girl. I'm not ready to give up my diet coke so don't even try... but I'll be adding in more water to balance things out.

3. Snacking Changes

-No more chips and bread, no more random crap food. Fruit. Protein. Veg. Granola. I'll probably add in some yogurt at some point but it's not my favorite thing so maybe not. And no more snacking out of boredom, and an almost complete kibosh on the emotional snack-age. I'm an adult and I don't need to deal with my feelings by stuffing my face. Those days are over.

In time, there will be counting and meal planning, doctors, nutritionists, guidance. But right now, on my own I need to know that I can handle the consequences of all that when the time comes. So I'm taking this into my own hands and changing my life. No one else can. And by the time my insurance kicks in and I have the funds to get my doctor involved-- I'll already be 2 steps ahead, and ready for the rest of the journey.

But for right now, I think I hear some veggies calling my name.

On Titles and link names...

2010-05-02T13:44:00.004-05:00

You may be wondering about the site reg for this blog: "skinnygirlscreams"

Believe it or not, that was very carefully selected and I was glad to see it was actually available. If you've read my first post (whether you read it here or on Facebook) you'll know that my big push right now is that inside all of this fat and flesh is a skinny girl-- screaming to get out.

This blog is my attempt to track that, to put a (hopefully weekly) face to this journey, and give that skinny girl a place to scream. I guess the fat girl will probably scream a bit too. I've been overweight since I was about 15. The fat girl is used to being in charge and I think the shift in authority is probably going to end up giving the fat girl a bit of a fit.

I know that sounds a little MPD (multiple personality disorder for the uninitiated), but roll with me on this...

It used to be that I felt fat all the time-- long before I was actually overweight. And when I finally did end up "fat" it seemed kind of appropriate. Because my outside matched my inside. They were the same person.

But that's not true anymore. Somewhere in the last few years I grew, changed into someone who is active and adventurous. Someone who wants to go out and do things, to be more than I am already. And that person isn't a fat girl. That person is thin, and healthy and trapped in a shell that doesn't work anymore. And in a way it is almost like being 2 people. I used be united and now I'm not. Now I'm at war.

I'm fighting my own body. My friend Libby talked to me the other day about a similar division-- where she was so separated from her body that it never even occurred to her to be comfortable in it. Well, I suppose that's as good a way as any to explain it. Well, somehow or another that division has been smashed to smithereens and for the first time in ... well.. ever I feel like I should be comfortable in my body. And I'm not, because this is not my body.

So forgive my multiplicity for awhile will you? I'm on a journey to go from 2 people (well.. at my weight 2.5 really) down to 1. And in the meantime, let the skinny girl start screaming!